Yes, I am in my very own pit, a pit of my own making. I think I try hard at sobriety – perhaps people don’t agree – but I feel as though for the past year, and many months before that, I have thought about and tried to get sober. Blogging, meetings, counselling…I give up for days, even weeks, and once even a couple of months, but still I can’t seem to do it. I’ve just spent the last hour reading other sober blogs, and I can see the sober euphoria, the joy…but I can’t reach it.
I am not going to check myself into a rehab – I’m sure that will be a suggestion – and perhaps it seems petulant of me to say that. But I have to cope with realistic options, and rehab or a treatment centre is not realistic for me.
So, I have to make it work some other way. Is there another way?
This evening, I felt so low and rubbish, I decided to drink. Even though I had had several successful days when I was away, and was building up successful momentum, I drank. It began with yet another conversation with my long-suffering husband, in which I dangled the prospect of sobriety in front of him by saying I need to go to meetings but I’d like to drink this evening, and I don’t want to be a strange, non-drinking wife. And, bemused, he said that he likes drinking at weekends, but he’d like not to drink in the week, and how about that for a plan? At that very moment, I confess the plan sounded good, but a few hours later, the regret and shame are back, and I am internally shouting: why do you keep doing this to yourself?
And I realised that exactly a year ago, 31st August 2014, I started this blog.
Please help me, my friends.