Holding back

Today I read the comments people have been leaving on my blog. I am so glad I haven’t shut the blog down; thank you for reading, and for your kind words giving support and wondering where I am.

I am not there yet. Actually, I am pretty much nowhere at the moment. I can’t get a grip on sobriety. I have been on holiday with my family, and I drank every day; and much of it was mindless drinking, stupid drinking, drinking for the sake of drinking. I feel so far from my past sober days, I look back and can’t see them. My blogging past, my determination and motivation are distant spots, far far away, in a time when I wanted to get better.

And yet it is not hopeless. I still come back to my blog, I still tap into other blogs, keen to know how other people are doing in their sober quests, and they remind me that all is not lost, and that if I choose to, I can try to get well again.

How shall I do it? 100 days? 2 days? It is a long time since I had even one day off drinking. My clinging to alcohol’s illusory vision of happiness is holding me back.

10 thoughts on “Holding back”

  1. I’m glad to hear from you.
    My advice is to find an inpatient treatment centre. You need a break and real support.
    Consider it. It would be an investment in your future.
    Thinking of you.
    Anne

  2. I agree with Anne. You’ve tried 30 days, you’ve tried Belle’s 100 Days, you’ve tried on your own, you’ve tried meetings, you’ve met with a counselor or doctor. It hasn’t worked for you. Time to kick it up a notch. You and your family deserve the REAL you, not the drunk one.

  3. Illusory happiness is precisely right.

    A treatment centre or similar might seem extreme but for those of us on the other side we know how hard it is but also the joy that awaits if you give everything to sobriety.

    We’re with you xx z x x x xxzxxxx

  4. Always come back to the Loving Cult of the Blog! You will be assimilated, resistance is futile!! 2 days not working? Try 1 at a time. I’m not drinking today. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, not today.

  5. I’m glad you have come back to your blog. Maybe a treatment centre would help. There are outpatient programs that you can attend during the day, if inpatient treatment isn’t an option. It’s scary though I know. I am here for you. A x

  6. I feel for you Annie. Day one for me again as I’ve found myself once more in a horrible place. I was reluctant to return to my blog because of the shame and embarrassment but I have, because the support helps.
    Here for you x

  7. You can make it back, those distant spots you described are closer than you think. I hope the previous comments help and you do seek more help. There is a freedom from bondage in sobriety and you deserve that.

  8. Annie, you have had so many no-alcohol days and nights in the past year or so. When you have those days and nights, your writing has sparkled with how much you love your life, and love yourself, generously, gently, and kindly, even though you aren’t perfect and are scared and tired. When you have alcohol, you are aggressively mean to and about yourself, and hopeless about yourself. There is a path out of the darkness. It may be different from or similar to the paths other women have taken. You have understanding and admiration and affection from women who have gotten out. Reach out to someone privately and personally. Don’t get to the point where you are drinking in the morning, and all day, and into the night, before you reach out. You aren’t there yet. Don’t wait. Your life is at stake. The disease is progressive.

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