Clinging on

I am so stupid to keep being back in these early days. They are so hard. If only I had pushed through the cravings all those times before. Almost a year ago, I started writing this blog, and here I am, no further forward. I was listening to a Bubble Hour podcast this afternoon in which a guest speaker described her many attempts to get sober, before she eventually succeeded. ‘When you’re not ready, you’re not ready,’ she said, and this rang true for me. I have never felt ready; or perhaps this is just another excuse on my part.

Anyway, suffice to say Day 3 is miserable and hard, and I feel totally useless. In a bid to quash the witching hour craving, I am drinking a Becks Blue alcohol free beer. It’s a bit close to the real thing, I fear, but it is alcohol free and that is good.

This has to work. I don’t know how many more times I can restart; each time I try, I feel a little more weary and cynical about it. I think I may be in the black pit part of the programme, before I start feeling any of the benefits of not drinking. And I feel grumpy, and not serene. I was planning to have one of my nice baths which I know works so well at this stage, but a rebellious part of me is saying I’m feeling too dreary to do that. Hopefully, my spirits will pick up tomorrow.


24 thoughts on “Clinging on”

  1. Hi,
    A couple things, I’ve been following your blog along. I really, really think you cannot think of it as a 100, 30, 1 day challenge. It must be a decision from the beginning you make for life. Challenges have a end date. Also, scream it from the roof tops! Let everyone know your plan. Don’t be embarrassed. If you think people don’t know you have a problem you are kidding yourself. Everyone, at least the people you want to associate with, will respect you. They will help you. It is so much harder to fail when everyone is watching. Find a real live human being you can talk to who has gone through the sober process. Someone who has been sober for at least a year. They will understand your feelings but can also show you there is life sober. Trust me, I laugh, joke around drinking diet coke the same as I did Pinot Grigio. I am present every moment of the day. Sometimes I wish I weren’t but all uncomfortable feelings will pass and they do.
    I also keep thinking about your kids. Do it for them. They will be so proud of you. End the cycle. Do they like having friends over? A lot of kids with a parent who drinks too much don’t. I don’t know about yours. Just a question.
    Lastly, I can’t think of a single bad thing about being sober. However, the things that can go wrong and do when we live our lives numb is countless.
    Wishing you all the best. Keep trudging on!

    1. Hi Tracey, and thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment. I have read and reread it. You are right about my needing to seek out a sober person. I’ve met a few in meetings, but haven’t seen anyone outside of that space. And I haven’t advertised what I’m doing, partly I think because I’m trying not to be accountable to anyone in real life. Stupid, I know. As for my children, your question about their having friends to stay really made me think. I must admit, they don’t ask many people round. I always thought it was because of my bad jokes! Thanks for being here. I really appreciate your thoughts and it is helping me to develop a sober plan. Annie x

      1. Annie,
        Telling people was the hardest thing for me to do. I didn’t go into the details of why. I just said I’m giving up drinking and am never going to drink again. Some people laughed. Not sure if it was because they didn’t believe me or if it made them uncomfortable. As if it hit too close to home. I have no desire to drink. I do ask every night for God to keep me from having the desire. People see me at parties having fun and they now ask me how I did it. They admire me! You can do this! Drinking not only is an addiction but it also becomes such a way of life. It’s an activity. You need to fill up the space. You sound like a busy person. I’m sure you have lots to do. One thing that will help I think is to get even busier. All the best.

  2. deep long breaths..lots of is the only day that matters..this moment ,this hour..ive been where you are 100 x’s just feels so good to be hangover free today..standing with you..

  3. Annie… I have faith in you that you’ll figure it out yourself in your own good time. That’s all any of us can do. You know… you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. But it also couldn’t hurt to have some backup help to remind the horse that water is a good thing, indeed. Would you please consider meeting with an intake counselor at an inpatient clinic before your motivation wanes? Thinking of you…

  4. Sadly you sre doing some of the hardest dsys over and over. Day 3 is really really hard. Push hard babe, you can do it, youve done it before!
    Thinking of you

  5. Day 3 is hard. Great idea to NEVER have to do those early days again. I have just reached a year and I tell you , I couldn’t have done it without Becks Blue !!!!

  6. Maybe this will help:
    Ten Times a Day, Slow Down and Do These Things:
    1. Breathe deeply, sending out tension and drawing in the light of peace and healing
    2. Ask for guidance from God that the next steps of your journey be taken with great care and deepest wisdom
    3. Give thanks for all that you have, that you have come this far and for all that you are
    Hang in there and keep going!

    1. Thank you for this list. I am going to print it out and carry it around with me. I’m not a great breathe deeply person – it’s something I need to work on. Annie x

  7. Annie…you can do this! We all have 2 voices…try to focus on the one who knows she wants to stop drinking instead of the one who feels like it is hopeless…Trust and have faith as I know you will get there. All you have to do tonight is to not drink any alcohol…just that one thing…thinking of you.

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