Preparation

I am so grateful for everyone’s comments. I went to bed straight after writing that last post, and woke to a wave of support and love. And boy, did I need it. I have felt awful and ill all day. Not surprising; coming back from a supper with friends at which I had drunk prosecco and warm pink wine, my husband went to bed while I scrabbled around at the back of the cupboard for an old bottle of Marsala. I think it’s really supposed to be for cooking, but I drank it anyway and it’s strong stuff. Yuck yuck yuck – it made me feel so poorly today. I know that alcoholism is a disease, and I know it is progressive; I can see I’ve been drinking more, more often, and also seeking out stronger drinks: more gin, brandy, that sort of thing. The only way is down if I continue like that.

I have got so much to lose. My sweet son was clearly worried about me this morning as I lay in bed, pale and sickly, telling him I had an upset stomach. I hauled myself up late morning and got on with my day, feeling regretful and weak. But I also felt something else: I think for the first time ever, I had a real fear that I could slip into a new, more dangerous zone, one where I could imagine myself drinking more and more, for longer each day, with no more day ones, no more attempts at sobriety.

I am not going down there. That way, the dappled path is obscured, with no light gleaming through. Rather, I am not going to drink anymore.  I am going to a meeting tomorrow.  And I am no longer going to entertain the vision of myself as a social drinker who can stop after a couple of glasses, because I simply cannot remember the last time I did that. It is never going to happen.

A new me needs to emerge. A stronger, braver me. I don’t know if I can do it, but I feel more determined than ever before and I am reaching out, both here and in the real world.

18 thoughts on “Preparation”

  1. I can so relate. During my relapses this year I was drinking gin and vodka. On my recent camping holiday I bought more gin than I care to recall and although I enjoyed the days I was always looking forward to gin o’clock! I’m not proud of it. Sat alone in the garden now while hubby recouperates indoors. It would be do easy to nip out for wine, or better still gin, and sit here, wrapped up, drinking alone. But I’m not going to because I want to be in one piece. I want to go be able to look in the mirror without flinching. My husband’s recent op was an unforeseen emergency. Rushed into hospital. Lots of tests. When I was drinking heavily I would dread such a thing, in case they saw the damage. I obviously hope to avoid such emergencies as we all do, but the thought of landing in hospital stinking of booze, flushed with poison, dehydrated and with heart palpitations as my body struggled to fight off the toxic substance I have actually paid to put inside me, would be horrific. They would know. They’re not stupid. So many middle class professional women that I know are just like us. A bottle of wine a night has almost become the norm. If it was four cans of special brew people would snigger and frown but because it is drunk in nice glasses and has a fancy name doesn’t mean it’s any different unit for unit. Yet we wouldn’t dream if cracking open a can of that when our children’s friends came round. These are the things I have to keep telling myself because I do want to be free of it. And I know you do too. Take care Annie. We’re all here for you xx

    1. Thanks for sharing this. You’re so right about the Special Brew. I’m always trying to persuade myself that it’s sophisticated to drink wine, when really it’s just the same as drinking any old alcohol. And once I have one glass, I don’t care what I drink. Annie x

  2. I can sooooo relate. It is painful and it is difficult but I believe there is a break in the clouds just over the horizon. You are not alone. xx

  3. Your words are a reality to so many of us! I read them and think that could be me. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I know I don’t want to relapse simple reading what today was like for you. You put it out there, so brave! It WILL help to keep doing it. In my thoughts, always.
    Mary 💕💕

  4. When you do surrender as others have said…you WILL move forward to a new life…keep trying Annie..you really will make this happen!
    thinking of you..

  5. Going to a meeting is good. I am yet to find the courage to go to one. You sound determined and you CAN do it Annie. We are all here for you. A x

    1. I found today’s meeting difficult. But I think they’re worth trying, and many of the people I see there seem to find them a lifeline. Annie x

  6. Acceptance is key. I tried very hard to be that “one or two glasses” person, but inevitably ended up being the one or two bottle girl who was sloppy and indiscreet, volatile and depressed. There are some of us, most of us here commenting, that can’t be that “one or two glass” person. DNA, genes, childhood, trauma- whatever it was that tipped us over the edge, we are here together, fighting this fight and accepting that sobriety is key to having a good, happy life and essential for our long term survival. It’s shitty at first but day by day, sobriety begins to give you things you believed you never ever deserved, especially when you were drinking. Hold this strength Annie. Like your life depends on it.

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