Tonight

If I don’t write tonight, I might wake up tomorrow and decide not to write.

Things went wrong this evening. I had a drink and I broke all my good intentions. Same old same old story.

I started my blog about a year ago. Many months before I started it, I grappled with drinking/not-drinking. Over the past 12 months, I have had good months, blogging, and succeeding. Other months I have gone quiet, tried to work out what I’m doing, seeking my path.

I come back to the blog, I come back to writing, because here I can try to work out where I am going. Clearly, I am not a perfect story. I am in awe of those bloggers who steadfastly stick to the plan, come what may; and it saddens me that I can’t seem to do that.

So, not a good post tonight. But I am still here, I will continue to be here, with my imperfect path, my sorry story of trial and error in my quest to find my way through. I am so very miserable in this current state.

33 thoughts on “Tonight”

  1. Stay with us. Believe it or not you connect with SO many of us and give inspiration to all. Yours was the first blog I read 11 months ago, you gave me strength. Sept. 6th will be 365 days! See what you did for me and maybe others. I so wish there was a magic pill I could send you, but there isn’t so I send you love, admiration and gratitude.
    Mary 💕💕

    1. Your love, admiration and gratitude is just what I need, Mary. You have been an unfailing support to me all along, and I thank you for that. And you’re coming up to a sober year anniversary – amazing! Annie x

  2. If you keep coming back, one day, you will come across words that will really MEAN SOMETHING to you, that will bring it on home, if you will. I have! I’ll see a phrase on a comment or a post and think, “I’ve never thought of it that way.”
    So stay in:)

    1. Every day, I read comments which inspire and help me. The problem is that I too easily forget them. But you’re right, and slowly people’s advice is starting to sink in. Annie x

  3. Dear Annie. Your time is coming. I know you can find your way.
    You need to make this priority #1. Which means your husband must have the kids while you go to meetings every night if need be.
    Or consider treatment centres again. It’s best to go before things fall completely apart.

    Stick with us.

    Anne

  4. Time and time again, your blog reminds me that I am not alone in this battle. If you have achieved this one thing, that’s enormous. But I know you have achieved more than that. You are processing it all and coming to an important realisation. I think you and I both make the mistake of underestimating how difficult this fight will be sometimes. Throw everything you have at this. You are worth saving. Sending all my love and strength.

    1. Yes, I think I am processing it, and I feel as though I am moving along, even though I take many steps backwards as well. Thanks for your kind words. Annie x

  5. Annie please don’t think that other people just sail through sobriety having made the decision to stop. I am having a hard time of it at the moment as I am on holiday and finding it really tough not to drink all the rose in wine that Provence sells in gallons. There are 3 things that help though. First knowing that I have SO many days under my belt, second knowing that I don’t ever have to have to go back to those torturous times of should I shouldn’t I, will I won’t I , and third, and most of all, knowing that the decision I made when I decided to stop was the RIGHT DECISION. Just because it’s hard as hell, doesn’t change the fact that it was and continues to be categorically the RIGHT decision.

  6. I am on attempt 4 in almost exactly 12 months Annie. I realised yesterday that I have had six months of combined lengthy periods of abstinence in the past year and many more alcohol free days. Overall probably a 70% reduction on the previous year and I couldn’t have done it without the support and inspiration from the blogging world. I want to do it for real and I know you do too. Keep blogging with all your ups and downs as these are what will get you there in the end.
    Take care and don’t beat yourself up xx

  7. It’s easy to remember the so called ‘success’ stories and feel like you don’t measure up, but your story I think is so much more relatable than those that seem to have gotten it right from the get go. More importantly, despite all the back and forth, you are making progress. It may not be towards the thing you expected, but to us that have been quietly reading for the last year, you are on the brink of something remarkable, I can feel it.

    1. Thanks for having faith in me. I really hope that I’m on the brink of succeeding, though it still feels far off and out of reach. Annie x

  8. I don’t know that I have any good advice, but, for me, sometimes, counting days is counterproductive. I try to focus on each day. If I fail, I fail. But I get back up, and I try again. Don’t beat yourself up for each time you relapse. You are still here. Just please don’t stop writing.

  9. I said this before, but many of us did go through months and years and decades of trying to commit to sobriety and were not able to maintain it. For myself, I didn’t come to the blogging world until after those wrestling battles and ups and downs had played themselves out. You are living every messy step out here for so many to witness. It is a brave act you are doing. Don’t compare yourself – this is Your Journey. You are finding your way. You’re doing it with every step forward and back. Don’t be ashamed. You should be proud!

    1. Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I think my blog is quite messy! I do chart my ups and downs, and when I read it back I sometimes feel depressed at my lack of progress. But your comment helps me to move forwards. Annie x

  10. for what it’s worth, I think you are very brave. my personal belief is that the reason you read so many blogs where people are successful in their sobriety goals is because that’s when people are willing to blog & put their story out there for all the world to see. what you dont see is how many times they tried to get sober before they began blogging. i’m not saying they hide it or lie about it. in fact, most will own up to it but the nitty gritty details of the continual relapses arent in their blog. I believe you are rare in that you blog when you are struggling. I, too, relapsed over and over and over. I dont know how many years I went through of the drinking/trying to quit cycle. One day I’ll get brave enough to ask Belle how many times I she had to reset my Day 1. One thing that encouraged me was someone who told me that we dont fail unless we stop trying. Keep your chin up. there are so many of us cheering for you. i’m on Day 66 today!!!

    1. Day 66 is great! I need to blog when I’m struggling because I find it helpful to write out how I feel, to try to make sense of it. Thanks for your encouragement. Annie x

  11. Good morning from California. I’m 46, two kids with a supportive husband (thank God!) We have a similar story. I shaved my head last June, declaring my sobriety. Did I mention Shaved My HEAD! Well that outta work gosh darn-it. Huh, nope. I have definitely had the one foot in, one have body out, of sobriety. Some say the year you really know you want a life free of alcohol is the year you test yourself the most. I’m on Day 3. Again. Last night I was so tempted to drink I actually had the whole thing planned out. I was home alone for the night (which is beyond rare) and I wouldn’t have to hide. I could just sip on that chardonney on my back patio. I could see it. Smell it. Taste it. So I ate a salmon burger instead. Then I watched a really good drama series on tv. Then I made popcorn with lots of butter and nutritional yeast. Here’s the best part…When I woke up (still slept like crap), it took me a while, but I slowly came to the realization that I didn’t drink. A real soft smile crossed my face and I thought to myself, “when was the last time you woke up and smiled?” Then I thought how wonderful that would be for my wrinkles. I may not need botox after all! So moral of the story. One small decision, a choice to do something different like eating a salmon burger, gave me enough time to get my head on straight. I just kept saying to myself, “You never regret NOT having that drink Val.” XO
    You. Got. This.

    1. Your salmon burger plan worked well! Yes, it’s often about trying to prepare oneself for the split second decision. So often, I think, ‘Oh well, I may as well drink. I’ll just have one,’ and before I know it, everyone has gone to bed and I am completely drunk. Annie x

  12. I’m right there with you – both in the attempts and in the not giving up. Like somebody said above, when I go back and count up the number of sober or non-drunk days I’ve had in the last 6 months, it’s more than I’ve had in the previous 5 or 10 years combined. I quit blogging when I stopped the 180 day challenge 69 days too early and that was a mistake. I read the blogs every day – including yours – and try to blog when I feel I need to. Reading and blogging reminds me of the end goal which is sobriety/recovery. Be gentle with yourself and come here when you need to vent and need support. That’s what I feel the sober blogging world is all about.

  13. I started my blog almost exactly a year before I quit for good. You made me curious so I went back and counted and read through that first year. I had nine Day1’s that I can actually track, 2.5 months where I fell totally off the radar-only God knows what went on in that time-April was a total drunk fest-one morning at 7:45 a.m. I proudly posted that I’d been up drinking since 4:30 am. I cringed some when I went back and skimmed these posts, I also cried a little, but more than anything I felt awe at the scrappy, brave person who wrote spilled her heart out. Who kept coming back and didn’t quit, even though sometimes she thought she had. She’s a survivor.

    So are you.

  14. We have to keep trying. I’m right there with you– currently on vacation and everywhere I look people are having beers or red solo cups…. Can’t say I’m not right there with them…..

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