After the meeting

Day 2 here, and heading startlingly fast towards the witching hour. I need to get busy with some motivation to get through it, as my bad voice is bellowing at me.

I woke this morning still feeling 1000 years old after my alcohol abuse evening on Tuesday. It has taken a lot out of me, and I feel as though I’ve really punished myself physically. Sometimes I can drink and not feel too bad, but this one has made me feel terrible. Or maybe I’m just beginning to feel terrible every time now.

So this afternoon I went to a meeting. I’ve been before, but I was still welcomed as a newcomer. I didn’t mind. I am still a newcomer. Some people have been there for years. And for the first time I spoke up, and told them a bit about how I was feeling. I am blown away by the kindness and humility I find there. And yet, I still feel so uncomfortable now I’m home; I felt out of place in the meeting, and now I’m going through the old thoughts of how maybe I’m overreacting, perhaps I don’t need AA, am I being overly dramatic, can’t I go back to sensible drinking, those sorts of thoughts. Not really very helpful.

If the meetings trouble me, I should stop going, at least for the moment. To be sober today, day 2, I need to concentrate on doing things this evening that help me stay sober. That means not focusing on whether or not being sober is a good idea; it means focusing on eating something nice, or relaxing in a bath, or making tea and reading a book. I was going to go to the gym, but then I started worrying that I’d want to drink gin and eat crisps on my return – I know, doesn’t everyone do that after trying to keep fit?

I try to be perfect: perfect sober day, healthy food, tackle the waistline tyre, read Jane Austen, no snacks. As the witching hour approaches, the whole thing risks folding, and I don’t want to find myself at the bottom of a bottle; it feels scarily close.