After the meeting

Day 2 here, and heading startlingly fast towards the witching hour. I need to get busy with some motivation to get through it, as my bad voice is bellowing at me.

I woke this morning still feeling 1000 years old after my alcohol abuse evening on Tuesday. It has taken a lot out of me, and I feel as though I’ve really punished myself physically. Sometimes I can drink and not feel too bad, but this one has made me feel terrible. Or maybe I’m just beginning to feel terrible every time now.

So this afternoon I went to a meeting. I’ve been before, but I was still welcomed as a newcomer. I didn’t mind. I am still a newcomer. Some people have been there for years. And for the first time I spoke up, and told them a bit about how I was feeling. I am blown away by the kindness and humility I find there. And yet, I still feel so uncomfortable now I’m home; I felt out of place in the meeting, and now I’m going through the old thoughts of how maybe I’m overreacting, perhaps I don’t need AA, am I being overly dramatic, can’t I go back to sensible drinking, those sorts of thoughts. Not really very helpful.

If the meetings trouble me, I should stop going, at least for the moment. To be sober today, day 2, I need to concentrate on doing things this evening that help me stay sober. That means not focusing on whether or not being sober is a good idea; it means focusing on eating something nice, or relaxing in a bath, or making tea and reading a book. I was going to go to the gym, but then I started worrying that I’d want to drink gin and eat crisps on my return – I know, doesn’t everyone do that after trying to keep fit?

I try to be perfect: perfect sober day, healthy food, tackle the waistline tyre, read Jane Austen, no snacks. As the witching hour approaches, the whole thing risks folding, and I don’t want to find myself at the bottom of a bottle; it feels scarily close.

16 thoughts on “After the meeting”

  1. It’s normal to feel out of place when you’re someplace new. I’ll bet when you joined a new school, or team, or orchestra, you felt out of place as well. But you stuck with it until that feeling went away because it was something you wanted to do.

    Don’t let the newness factor of the meeting scare you off – that’s just an excuse you’re making to yourself to let you get back to drinking.

    1. You were exactly right. I think it was an excuse – and I fell back to drinking that very evening. Thinking about the meeting today, I was able to see its benefits more clearly, and realised how friendly everyone was and how welcoming. I’ll try another one soon. Annie x

  2. All you need to do right now is not drink. Don’t worry about if you’re doing it the right way or the wrong way. There is no right or wrong, you can’t make a mistake, if you just don’t drink. That’s it. That’s the magic spell, the secret we’ve been guarding, the only way to win is to not drink. No hocus-pocus. No secret code.

  3. what she said….just don’t drink. Just get through that witching hour by doing whatever you need to but just don’t drink. Eat 12 packets of crisps, 15 bars of chocolate, burn a candle, have a bath. Just. don’t. drink.

  4. ps. forget perfect. I’ve been looking for 41 years and it’s not anywhere. All there is is what is..

  5. Yes, yes, and yes. Have snacks, for crying out loud. Barrel chug coca cola, I do! Whatever keeps you off the sauce is fine for now, you can deal with all that stuff later. Don’t drink!!

  6. I am right there with you! Today is Day 1 (again!) for me and I feel like crap. I have to stop abusing my body, not to mention my emotional health, family, etc., etc. I struggle with AA too. Some meetings I feel help me others I leave feeling worse.

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