A mess

I’m really struggling. For the last hour, I’ve had a very strong compulsion to drink. I was speaking to a friend about some serious issues they are having in their marriage, and because I have often talked to this person with a glass of wine in hand in the past, it felt like a big trigger. I was walking the dog while I spoke on my mobile, and after the conversation I sat on a bench and emailed my husband saying that I was getting too stressed out by my sober plan and wanted to abandon it. He replied saying that we’d discuss it tonight.

Then I texted a friend who is supposed to be coming to supper tomorrow – I’d already told her yesterday that I was not drinking, as she and her husband had been planning to bring cocktails – and my text said that I was going to drink again. She replied with a little picture of a devil and 3 wine glasses. It’s not her fault; I haven’t been honest with her about what I’m trying to do.

My son is here with a friend.  My two daughters are out.  My husband will be home in a couple of hours. I don’t know what to do.

It’s mess. I’m a mess. It’s such a battle.

26 thoughts on “A mess”

  1. I think you need to reprioritize your private time at this critical moment. You’re keeping a pretty busy social schedule and taking on your friend’s problems, without being honest with them about what you’re going through, when you need to slow down, introvert a bit and focus on yourself. Cancel plans. Let calls go to voicemail. Get your head on straight for a few weeks, then let your friends know what you’re going through.

    Love to you!

  2. that’s exactly what it is. a battle. please don’t drink. don’t put yourself back at day one again. you WANT to do this. get out, go to the shop, eat chocolate till you feel sick, order in food, take a bath, light a candle. please please don’t drink. these feelings pass.

  3. read over your previous posts and see if you can connect with that feeling of wanting to not drink again. sorry for being bossy I just know that somedays I felt like I just wanted someone to tell me not to drink! that I couldn’t drink…that i had to stay sober. xx

  4. Besides the breathing exercise that I posted for you on August 10, here is a little prayer you can say that might help you focus on you:
    O Lord, help me know your will for me. Let your light shine in the depth of my heart that I may know what you want me to do with my life. Help me believe you have a special plan for me. Lord, I know I pass through this life only once; help me decide how you want me to make a difference. Give me the wisdom to hear your voice and the courage to answer your call. Above all, give me peace of mind and heart. I offer this prayer in your name. Amen.

  5. oh also, try to ‘play the movie to the end’. Yes, a glass might be nice but it won’t stop there. It’ll be a bottle. And the rest. The ‘play it to the end’ mantra gets me through..

  6. It’s unclear whether you are just not making a commitment or looking for reasons not to be sober. You might want to take some time and figure what really want out of this. If it’s sobriety, you’ll need to make that priority numero uno, as Nina suggested. Until your goals are clear, your outcome will be muddied. If you want to be sober, you can! I’m rooting for you, I know you want something better:)

  7. I agree with Nina Nefarious. You need to pare down your social life for a bit. I lucked out in that my partner doesn’t drink too much and we’re new to town. I was able to just hunker down and do nothing but take care of myself. There is NO way I’d be successful if I were still trying to socialize all the time. It’s been almost 6 months and I just now feel capable of going out a bit.

  8. Don’t drink Annie. It is just prolonging this.
    You need to get help. Your inner addict/wolfie whatever will forever try to keep you drinking.
    A break away from plans, friends, temptation and stress would be helpful.
    Wishing you were sober is never going to get you there. You need to take action.
    Anne

  9. I totally agree with everything said above. Do try to get through this and do try to cut back on social engagements — some people can get through them in the early days and some can’t. I couldn’t, and it seems like you might be in that latter category too.

    Also, see what you are doing with making it easier to drink — you are telling people (your husband, your friends) I AM drinking, and then you are rationalizing, well now I have to drink because everyone will think I am a right idiot — or worse will think I am an alcoholic (which I think you are, but that’s not there business, and what we in AA call normies DO judge, even though they are wrong). Do the opposite and announce loudly you are NOT drinking. My drinking life sounds very much like yours — lots of planning and justification (and shame and failure towards the end). What I did to avoid telling ALL those friends and neighbors and family with whom I had drunk enthusiastically for years and years was (wait for it) LIE. Yup, like weight loss and learning a new language, honesty with normies can come later. They don’t understand what an epic struggle this is — they can’t — and they will judge. So I just took them out of the equation — I said I REALLY wanted to drink but I was having a weird and violent reaction to alcohol. I also said, I went to the doctor, and he said he had seen it before, a sudden intolerance, they didn’t know what brought it on, but even the smallest bit of the stuff will make you violently ill. I then said how much this SUCKED and how jealous I was that others could still drink and how much I would LOVE to have some wine with them but even the smallest bit and I will be vomiting for days. This let my normie friends and family feel sorry for me (which I needed), to understand what a struggle it was (maybe not completely, but enough) and not to try and tempt me (not even the most codependent drinker wants their dinner party barfed on).

    I feel I am always lecturing, and I hope you take all this as it is offered: This worked for me, and I hope it can work for you, but if it doesn’t sound right, well, everyone does this there own way. I just remember, though, at the beginning I just needed straight up practical advice. Almost moment to moment I needed someone to tell me what to do, physically what to do, how to get through this moment, and this moment, and this moment. I am so glad you are going to meetings, and I hope you can find a sponsor or even just an AA riend who you can call right when these compulsions hit. Believe me, everyone in that meeting wants to help — you’ll see later on, but helping a fellow drunk is one of the keys to long term recovery (so you are helping me as much as I am (trying to) help you).

  10. I completely understand the feelings you are having. I have so much anxiety and sadness but I am trying to believe those that tell me if I stay sober, it will get better. I am trying to use some imagery too. I am also a wine drinker but I imagine the wine glass filled with ammonia or some other posionous liquid. Because that is what it is for us.Hang in there. I so understand the struggle.

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