Low ebb

I’m feeling at a bit of a low ebb this evening. I should be pleased that I’m on Day 6, but it frightens me too. I want to feel elated, pleased that I’m sober today – and I am pleased that I’m sober today – but it feels overwhelming at the moment.

I am surrounded by triggers. Not triggers like driving past pubs (I actually rarely go to pubs), but more subtle, unexpected triggers, like a particular piece of music.

Someone commented yesterday that Thursdays tend to be triggers for me (you’re right, somuchtogainfromthis!), and I feel psychologically itchy today.

We are going to stay with my parents in a day or two. I was speaking to my Mum this morning, discussing how we were going to celebrate my daughter’s GCSE results, and when I suggested fancy ice creams, she asked me if I wasn’t drinking at the moment. She knows that I have been trying to moderate, and she is concerned about my drinking, but she likes drinking herself so I think the idea of my being sober on holiday is disappointing. As I told her, I felt a familiar dread – a fear that I was pinning myself down.  Which is exactly what I need to do, so that my parents are ready for my sober plan when I arrive, and if I try and drink when I am there they will help me not to.

23 thoughts on “Low ebb”

  1. Hang in there, you are doing everything right. I used to get triggered by weird stuff too — sometimes standing in a certain place in my kitchen. I would think, I could just pull out a glass and….It was like I could down a drink without even thinking about it (that didn’t happen, but the immediacy and unconsciousness of the urge shocked me every time). Also, at about week 1, I began to see alcohol EVERYWHERE, every movie, every restaurant, every bus stop ad, and I felt tremendously sorry for myself. I did indulge those poor me feelings, but only if I also acknowledged that what the scenes or ads were depicting was something I could never have (and really never did have) — a healthy relationship with booze. I think some self pity is ok as long as it doesn’t lead to another round of trying to convince yourself you can ever drink (and btw, the one sure sign of an alcoholic is obsessing over whether you are an alcoholic — normies don’t do that). Also an ally at every event (be it your mom or your husband) is a really excellent strategy. I have my husband get me my nonalcoholic drink the minute we walk into a place or party so I don’t have to say no (when I want to say yes).
    Keep on, and get to a meeting if you can! Kate

  2. I know exactly what you mean with music being a trigger! I would hear a certain song and it would immediately throw me back in the bar that my husband and I used to drink in every Friday night. That took time for me to get past. I think back on those times now and just laugh at my stupid young self. I stopped craving that lifestyle because I wouldn’t have what I have today if I continued down that path.

    xx Kim

  3. Wonder if it would make sense (and also be wicked scary) to lay all your cards on the table with your mom. Tell her how much you drink, how often you’ve tried to cut back or stop and how often you haven’t been able to, and how much you need her help to not drink. She’ll probably be scared shitless and be very willing to help. No parent wants to watch their kid self-destruct.

  4. Yes. Listen to SC. your mom is not disappointed when you don’t drink. That’s your inner addict voice.
    Tell all. Ask for help and support. Let those you love, love you.

  5. Accountability was, and is, my strongest tool. Telling someone that I was going to do something and then having too much pride not to do it got me through a lot of tempting situations. For every bit of pride you gain, you lose an equal amount of shame. It will be worth it.

  6. I know how you feel, it’s like you can’t say ‘I’m not drinking’ because we either don’t want it out there in the bigger discussion form, like a massive neon pink Elephant holding a balloon or also because we feel (I feel) like I will spoil everyone’s fun and disappoint them by not being the life and soul. Then I remember the last get together, I was so pissed I can’t remember any of the acts, was covered in bruises the next day and had to leave before breakfast, this was In May, it still comes up now and I am still mortified. You’re better than that, tell your Mum, let it go.
    Sending you love Chyx

  7. Triggers are totally normal and part of the journey I think- and guess what, one day they stop being triggers 🙂

    I remember what it’s like to be where you are and be assured it’s not suppose to be easy- I recall looking at people with more sober time than me and thinking they had some magic secret I could never unlock myself. And then I found the key.

    Keep on keeping on x

    1. Thanks, FFF. I think of you as on old timer where sobriety is concerned (though I think you’re much younger than me!), and I really value your advice. Annie x

      1. Haha I’m not yet 30 so perhaps 🙂 but that’s the thing about alcohol, it doesn’t discern between age gender, religion etc etc… Good luck for the weekend x

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