I’m feeling at a bit of a low ebb this evening. I should be pleased that I’m on Day 6, but it frightens me too. I want to feel elated, pleased that I’m sober today – and I am pleased that I’m sober today – but it feels overwhelming at the moment.
I am surrounded by triggers. Not triggers like driving past pubs (I actually rarely go to pubs), but more subtle, unexpected triggers, like a particular piece of music.
Someone commented yesterday that Thursdays tend to be triggers for me (you’re right, somuchtogainfromthis!), and I feel psychologically itchy today.
We are going to stay with my parents in a day or two. I was speaking to my Mum this morning, discussing how we were going to celebrate my daughter’s GCSE results, and when I suggested fancy ice creams, she asked me if I wasn’t drinking at the moment. She knows that I have been trying to moderate, and she is concerned about my drinking, but she likes drinking herself so I think the idea of my being sober on holiday is disappointing. As I told her, I felt a familiar dread – a fear that I was pinning myself down. Which is exactly what I need to do, so that my parents are ready for my sober plan when I arrive, and if I try and drink when I am there they will help me not to.