Bit of a slump today, and I’m not sure why. Day 11 is good, but I feel annoyed, restless. As my husband and I walked through the mountain houses, surrounded by such beauty, I found myself thinking of drinking. It is bizarre how these thoughts pop into my head at the most unlikely moments: it’s hours away from the witching hour. Sabotage, rebellion, rearing their heads above the sober parapet, and it’s unnerving.
Each morning here, on waking, I am grateful. I am not connected to a Higher Power, or God – or at least, I don’t think I am – but I find myself saying a short prayer, a prayer to someone to help me stay sober today. Sounds a bit kookie, but I find it helps me when I’m wavering.
But today I am wavering, feeling weak, and as I said earlier, restless. Ugh. So so annoying.
A Dappled Path 
I will say a prayer for you today. You have been in my thoughts. Being truthful is one of your greatest strength. I am encouraged by that.
Fighting the good fight….
Thank you for saying a prayer for me. Annie x
Annie,
I don’t ever crave alcohol anymore and I don’t have a desire to drink but I do think about drinking a lot. It’s weird. It will just pop into my head. So, don’t let thinking about it get you down. It’s normal. I say a prayer every night giving thanks for sobriety and asking to not have a desire to drink. It really works for me. Be very proud of what you have accomplished so far. It is hard. I think telling your mom was a great step. She sounds supportive. You can do this and your life will be so much better. I think I’ve said this to you before…you will never have a day that you say -wow, I wish I had drank yesterday, but many wishing you hadn’t. Just keep that in mind.
All the best.
Thanks, Tracey. I am about to go to bed at the end of Day 12 and am so glad I didn’t drink. Annie x
I think it’s normal to have those thoughts, especially when you’re working hard on ‘not drinking’. If, for example, I told you not to think of a pink elephant… there! You just thought of a pink elephant, didn’t you?
When sobriety becomes more integrated into your life, you’ll think about it far less.
I hope so; I am certainly thinking about it a lot at the moment. Annie x
Of course you are restless. You have used alcohol for relief of any discomfort, celebrating any happiness and curbing any boredom for years.
It takes time to un do that programming. And the only way to do it is to stay sober.
Most of my drinking thoughts now invite the realization that I am just so glad I didn’t drink and ruin the moments I have. It is all a celebration of life.
Just don’t drink today. We are here to hold your hand.
Just don’t drink today. I am really keeping that phrase at the forefront of my mind. Annie x
I second ainsobriety’s remarks. While I was drinking, I met every feeling — good or bad — with the drink or thoughts of a drink. Beautiful morning on vacation? Can’t wait until evening cocktails! Kid getting stomach bug and threatening to ruin vacation fun? Need a drink to get through the worry and stress. Feeling low about not getting through my to do list? Thank god I’m having drinks with friends to cheer up this evening. I never FELT any of these things — I drank to them. SO I should not have been surprised, when I got sober, that every feeling was met with the urge to drink, because what else did I know? I feel you may have a bit of the same thing.
So yeah, part of the hard work is having to come up with Plan B — for every single feeling, good or bad. And usually plan B is just to sit with the feeling, even the itchy ones. That’s what normies do.
So, for today, it goes like this:
(1) Feeling: Wow, I’m surrounded by beauty, this is amazing!
(2) Response: I want a drink.
(3) Where NOT to go: Goddamn it, trying to stay sober is WRECKING my enjoyment of this. I should be thinking about the beautiful mountains but here I am thinking about drinking. What a loser I am. I will never enjoy anything again. I might as well just drink.
(4) Where TO go instead: Yup, there it is, my automatic drink reaction. Me and all the other drunks I know, especially Kate. OK, I see you there, drink urge. It sucks that you are my first reaction to everything, but that doesn’t mean I have to give into you. So I won’t, at least right now, and know that someday, maybe you will be second or third or not at all.
So, execustive summary: What you feel — the urge to drink, the irritation with sobriety — is a normal conditioned reaction. Acknowledge it, acknowledge that it sucks, don’t beat yourself up for it, know that it is completely normal and to be expected at this point, and move on. Don’t pick up the first drink.
You are doing great. Kate
I had a wobbly day today. But no drinking, thank goodness. Annie x
I too had a slump a few days ago. But I white knuckled it and I’m glad I did. You will be too Annie. And you’re trying to do something that is really difficult so finding it tough and feeling a bit irritable is ok xx
Thanks for being here with me. Annie x
Yep, what everybody else said, when you’ve been walking about on a crutch for such a long time, you’re going to stop every now and then and wonder where it is.
Nothing kookie about asking the universe, or your inner self, or God, or anyone who is listening to help you be your best self, I do it every day.
You’re doing great.
Love this: Yep, what everybody else said, when you’ve been walking about on a crutch for such a long time, you’re going to stop every now and then and wonder where it is.
I’m glad you’re here, kmh. Your comments really help. Annie x
These feelings are still better than the morning after giving in to the urge to drink. Cranky is better than deeply depressed post drinking.
I know. I’m finding it hard, but I’m clinging on. Annie x
Just don’t drink Annie. You’ve come so far and are so proud of yourself. I know how hard it is but you can do this. Please blog again if you need to. xxx
I am finding the blog really helpful. Thanks for being here. Annie x
It’s hard to imagine it when you’re faced with your feelings with no alcohol to quiet them, but feelings are temporary. I know you said you wanted to leave the “figuring out why you drink” for later, but knowing why you drink is actually one of your most powerful tools. If you understand what you’re feeling and a little bit about why you’re feeling it, you take the addiction’s power away to lie to you that you’re just “weak” or that “you’ll never be able to do this.” In the absence of mindfulness, the alcoholic brain has free reign of your thoughts and emotions, manipulating and distorting to further its own end…to get you to drink. You’ve heard the saying that “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” I fully believe that if you don’t fill your mind with thoughts and images of yourself, healthy and doing things that non-drinking you would do, alcohol will fill it for you with defeating and self-destructive thoughts. They key is not to empty your mind of thoughts of drinking, but to fill it with other thoughts that are healthy and positive. And sometimes, you’re going to feel like crap, and want to say “F it!”. And that’s ok. We’ve all been there. But follow that thought through to tomorrow morning when you wake up with another day sober behind you. Think about that as often as you need to. It’s hard right now, and some days are going to be really hard. But you can do it. You’re 11 days in. If you can do 11 days, you can do 12. Go!!! I’m pulling for you!
Thank you so much for this advice. I do need to try to think more positively. Annie x
Hang in there Annie as we are all pulling for you! Just remember…no one ever wakes up tomorrow and wishes she had drank last night…just don’t drink tonight! big hug!!!!
Thanks, Pamela! Annie x
‘Annoying’ is exactly the word for those stupid moments. You sound good inspite of the irritation and subterfuge of those friggin’ thoughts. Not a lot to add, except to say I’m with you. So annoying – especially when you’re moseying along so fine and fancy-free. The pricks.