Back from the brink

Hiking all day today, I found myself wrestling with my demons. The nagging voice was worse than yesterday.  By the end of the walk, I felt completely exhausted and was determined to break my sobriety. I’d had enough. I told my Mum I’d like a glass of wine with dinner. Someone was looking out for me, however. Before dinner, we had tonic water and lime (no one had any alcohol at that point), and when we sat down to dinner, and the red wine was put in front of me, I simply couldn’t drink it. I started to eat, the glass like a giant beast in my sights. And then I pushed the glass over to my husband, apologised for having messed everyone around, and came rushing into my room to write this.

I was SO close to drinking.  But I didn’t.  Day 12 and it all feels a bit fragile, but I feel some kind of strength – I can’t quite put my finger on it.

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13 thoughts on “Back from the brink”

  1. Dear Annie. Ask them to take the wine away. Cry. Show them how desperate for support you are.
    You need to ask them to get the alcohol out of the house, or at least stop drinking around you. You need this.

  2. OMG, YAAAAAAAAAAY!! I was so worried about you. Email if you need more. You did well. Don’t worry about what other’s think. And whenever faced with that big old glass in front of you, think it past the drink through to the drunk.

    I am sorry that staying sober is taking up so much headspace. I am guessing that drinking probably used to take up that much head space too — either actually doing it (and detaching from the moment that way), planning it, recovering from it, or regretting it. I understand that it sucks to be still controlled by alcohol or thoughts thereof, but do recognize it has been that way for a long time. And this staying sober probably is not MORE miserable than being drunk.

    Also, it is temporary. It is like a fairytale. The fairytale in which Annie has been held captive and away from everyone and everything she loves by a horrible evil monster. She doesn’t want to be its control every day, but she is. Then one day, she learns there is an escape, but what it is going to take is facing that monster, watching it so carefully, anticipating its every move, feeling and resisting its every horrible monster demand. And this is super hard. It would be so much easier just to give in, just go back to the miserable but familiar life of captivity. Say no no no is punishing and painful and takes MORE time than just giving in used to. But the secret is, the monster, if denied enough and consistently, goes away, lets Annie go, if she can just get through the horrible days of escape.

    OMG, is that ridiculous. But it is how I see it. You are the heroine of this story, and so far are definitely on track to living happily ever after.

  3. Anne has said everything i was going to say. being hungry, tired and thirsty for me are big triggers. you are putting yourself under immense stress – DONT GO HIKING, DONT LET YOUR FAMILY DRINK WINE AROUND YOU OR STUFF IT UNDER YOUR NOSE. please ask them for their support, you deserve and need it.!!!
    well done, i am immensely proud and excited for you
    Lisa

  4. You think you’re fragile, but let me tell you…if someone had set down a glass of wine in front of me after a long hard day of hiking on my day 12, I don’t know that I would have resisted that. You’re much stronger than you know. It makes things easier if you don’t tempt your demons in such a way, but kudos for coming out of it with one more good decision in the bag and one more sober day!

    And ditto what Anne said about HALT. When you’re feeling tempted to drink, ask yourself if you’re any of those things and address them first. I would add Thirsty to the list too. It might sound crazy, I think a lot of us drinkers have a hard time interpreting our bodies’ signals. What should be obvious, like “I’m starving!” somehow gets hijacked by your drinking brain as “I’m vaguely uncomfortable. DRINK!” You have to teach yourself to listen to your body and give it what it needs, because we’re so used to just drinking over everything.

  5. Well done for resisting Annie. You are stronger than you think. But I agree with what the others have said. HALT is a huge trigger. Take care of yourself. And congrats on day 12! A x

  6. Anne and others have put it so well…do ask everyone to get rid of the alcohol in the house! You are doing so well and try to appease the voice of the real Annie…not the one of the monster. Good job!

  7. Hell yeah! You know, when I was a kid and was scared of something, like pulling out a baby tooth, my dad told me that I needed to exercise my courage muscle. Because just like muscles, courage gets bigger and stronger every time you exercise it. Sounds like yours is getting pretty buff…

  8. I love what you said Hapless and frankly everyone of these comments are so inspiring. I am on day 9 and I could read these over and over. Annie, you are strong and doing great, Lets do this!

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