Close to the brink yesterday, today I went over the edge. I drank this evening – only a small amount of alcohol but alcohol nonetheless. I am so disappointed with myself. I had a really nice, peaceful day, trying to rest and be more peaceful, as suggested by some of the recent comments, because I realised I’d been overdoing it with the hiking, and I was getting overtired. My Mum then suggested we have a drink at a little mountain hut near the flat, idyllic and rustic with a little pond and water trough. I could easily have had something alcohol free, but instead I had a shandy, and then at dinner an inch of wine. I was so disgusted with myself, I could hardly drink it. My parents seemed relieved that I was drinking, but my children were horrified: ‘I thought you said you’d given up drinking forever!’ one said, and one of the others said, ‘You’ve broken your promise!’ My son said nothing.
I am not sure what to do now. I seriously considered not mentioning it on my blog, but continuing as if nothing had happened, because I’d got to Day 12 (today would have been Day 13) and knew this would break the momentum I’d built up. But telling such a big lie would be pointless, and so much of my drinking behaviour has involved lying, it is important that I be open and as honest as possible.
My instinct is to carry on trying, but starting at Day One tomorrow is daunting. But I think I need to keep on trying, not to let myself go back to the old ways. I don’t want to forget all the good things which have come out of the last two weeks, because it has felt different this time. I have felt different.