Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. I am so grateful for all the help and advice I receive here, and I read each and every comment carefully , and think about what you say – so THANK YOU.
The day counting issue is a tricky one. I find it helpful in some ways as I build up momentum, and distance myself from drinking, but it is daunting if I ‘fail’ and go back to the start. For the moment, I will be counting the days from Day One, but I am not forgetting my two sober weeks and the strength I got from them, and I don’t feel ground down and back at the start, but am moving forward, with some good strength behind me I hope.
I drank a little in the last two days, and I’ve felt ok. But I know that the bigger drinking patterns are only an ice cube away, and that feeling looms large in my mind. On top of that, the slight feeling of inertia compared to the brightness I was feeling when completely sober suggests to me that I function better and feel generally happier when I am not drinking. I still struggle with the idea of being left out, and still hanker after the perfect vision of moderation, one which I know doesn’t work for me long term, but which I still chase.
But it is almost a year since I started this blog. As I’m still here, writing and finding my way, it seems to me that I desire a sober life, and that I can’t find peace drinking here and there. And when the drink gets a grip, it is horrible. The idea of drinking sensibly is beguiling, but ultimately unobtainable – for me at least.
So while I really appreciated those comments which suggested I carry on from Day 12, I feel I must start again at Day One. But mentally and physically I’m further along than that, and hopeful that I will find my way again.
Still in the mountains, still clambering over the rocks, home again in a few days.