Mixed messages and tug of war: Mary LA’s comment in yesterday’s post was spot on. Over the past 18 months, the will I won’t I/ should I shouldn’t I voices in my head have dominated much of my thinking about drinking. I can be perfectly determined for most of the day, then head towards self-sabotage terrifyingly fast in the evening, or in any stressful or social situation. Quietening that sabotage voice, steering myself away from tempting situations, and focusing on building up sober days is my goal now. Well, it’s always been my goal, but experience is teaching me how very easy it can be to drink at any moment, and I want to make it less easy, less likely. I want the idea of drinking to be so far from my mind, and so ridiculous, that it hardly occurs to me.
I’m some way away from that state, but it’s what I’m aiming for.
I was also reading today’s post from mummyisasecretdrinker (I must work out how to create links), in which she writes about the dangers of romancing the drink. Here in Switzerland, on holiday, that perceived romance has been a bit of a problem for me: the idea of a glass of something, oddly associated with a beautiful mountain, for example. As I’ve said in a previous post, I have many memories of drinking here which are not in the least romantic (eg.punishing hangover), and yet the overriding memory has been the crisp wine picture. Learning to disassociate thoughts of alcohol from a place which still exists entirely separately from it, is what I need to do.
Wow, I think I’m sounding muddled. I hope you understand what I mean.
Despite my set back, I’m forging ahead in good spirits, looking forward to my Sans Bitters this evening (strange, new AF drink I’ve discovered here: bitter taste, red colour, poured over ice, unlike anything I’ve drunk before), and certain that this is how I need to proceed as we head back home tomorrow.