Tug of war

Mixed messages and tug of war: Mary LA’s comment in yesterday’s post was spot on. Over the past 18 months, the will I won’t I/ should I shouldn’t I voices in my head have dominated much of my thinking about drinking. I can be perfectly determined for most of the day, then head towards self-sabotage terrifyingly fast in the evening, or in any stressful or social situation. Quietening that sabotage voice, steering myself away from tempting situations, and focusing on building up sober days is my goal now. Well, it’s always been my goal, but experience is teaching me how very easy it can be to drink at any moment, and I want to make it less easy, less likely. I want the idea of drinking to be so far from my mind, and so ridiculous, that it hardly occurs to me.

I’m some way away from that state, but it’s what I’m aiming for.

I was also reading today’s post from mummyisasecretdrinker (I must work out how to create links), in which she writes about the dangers of romancing the drink. Here in Switzerland, on holiday, that perceived romance has been a bit of a problem for me: the idea of a glass of something, oddly associated with a beautiful mountain, for example.  As I’ve said in a previous post, I have many memories of drinking here which are not in the least romantic (eg.punishing hangover), and yet the overriding memory has been the crisp wine picture. Learning to disassociate thoughts of alcohol from a place which still exists entirely separately from it, is what I need to do.

Wow, I think I’m sounding muddled. I hope you understand what I mean.

Despite my set back, I’m forging ahead in good spirits, looking forward to my Sans Bitters this evening (strange, new AF drink I’ve discovered here: bitter taste, red colour, poured over ice, unlike anything I’ve drunk before), and certain that this is how I need to proceed as we head back home tomorrow.

10 thoughts on “Tug of war”

  1. I totally get what you mean Annie. Everything I do has a way of associating itself with wine! Especially outdoor stuff. Weird.

    1. It is weird, and annoying! And what’s worse, is that it’s not just the sunlit mountains which made me crave a drink, it’s the grey rain here back home as well. Aaarrggghhh. Annie x

  2. This is spot on: “Learning to disassociate thoughts of alcohol from a place which still exists entirely separately from it, is what I need to do.” And not only does it exist separately — it’s better without alcohol.

    But it is hard work to do. And it takes a lot of time. At six months sober, I am past the worst of the cravings — I know I can and will say no to them — but I don’t think I am anywhere near having drinking not occur to me, as you say. Especially when I am in circumstances in which others are drinking. I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself if this nirvana of not thinking about alcohol doesn’t happen overnight.

    Also, I really like your workman attitude — it sounds as you are giving up the debate on whether you should or shouldn’t drink (or, I guess, I really hope you have — and that you aren’t just putting off the question of “am I addicted” for some future date). I am glad you are going home with a new commitment to pile up the sober days, and truly hope you’ll go back to meetings or find some other means of support to start the positive parts of building a sober life. As I think I’ve said before, that’s the good stuff — just not drinking is terrible, but replacing a life dominated by alcohol with one focused on personal growth and presence, that’s the part that will keep you healthy and dry.

    I also am really proud that it sounds as if you are taking this seriously — not just as an Internet challenge or a short term get-healthy-quick jaunt into sobriety. If you are an alcoholic (and only you can decide this), then getting sober (with help, you can’t do it alone) and growing up spiritually (what ever spirit you choose to fly toward) is not just a matter of health and happiness (though it is a path to both) but a matter of life and death.

    Safe travels Annie!

    1. I feel a bit low today, on my return 😞 But I’m certainly not treating this sobriety search as an Internet challenge. Annie x

  3. Wow Annie!! I think you’re really thinking about what’s best for YOU, and therefore the people you love. This thinking is for the long term. You have arrived!!! Yay!!!
    Mary 💕💕

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