The Dappled Path

I appreciate everyone’s comments, and am humbled by the warmth and concern I find here. I am sure everyone who writes a blog, reads any comments they get with interest, but if you could see me here in my kitchen, poring over them, I think you’d be amazed. Especially when I’m feeling low or doubtful, I turn back to the comments, re-read them, think about them, and try to act on them. I didn’t always do this, but now I try to listen more, and to take advice, because people ahead of me in this struggle show me the joy and peace that awaits me if I do what they suggest.

And so it is that I have brought forward my appointment with the counsellor, and am going very soon, much sooner than I had originally thought. You will understand, I hope, if I don’t write about these sessions; I like being open on my blog, but I need to work through some stuff outside of it, too.

Even though it is officially only Day 2, I feel imbued with a kind of strength which I haven’t always felt before. Do I always say this early on? Do I always write this? I’m not going to go back in my blog and look now. But it does feel different, I feel different.

I still have to deal with the practical stuff, of course I do. I know that later today, I may feel cravings. I still have to be super-vigilant about that or else, as Anne commented yesterday, I will talk myself out of it. While I was on holiday, I fixated for a few days on the supposed elegance of old wine bottles with their sense of history. My father doesn’t drink very much, but he is interested in wine, and the stuff they drink isn’t plonk. At the time, I felt a nostalgia for the ‘intellectual’ side of drinking. Yesterday, and this morning, I thought more carefully about this, and mentally tried to destroy this idea of sophistication in my mind, knowing that however expensive the wine, drinking a whole bottle of it is never going to enhance it. That world is closed to me now. On a similar vein, we are thinking of visiting California next year – I’ve never been to America! – and people have suggested we visit the vineyards. Maybe not. But that’s next year; I need to get through today.

My dappled path continues, but the darkness is receding.

13 thoughts on “The Dappled Path”

  1. Hi Annie! Good luck with your session. Will be thinking of you. You keep doing the hard bit of this journey over and over again. If you can just keep plodding on for a little longer it will get easier, and you’ll never have to do those horrible first few steps again. Good luck, my friend xx

  2. I hope you session goes well for you. One of the greatest gifts of sobriety for me is more tug of war with myself. I want this so much for you and send you all my strength as do others…thinking of you!

  3. Again, I’m proud of you. Don’t downplay the enthusiasm and strength you feel right now, it is important, whether you had it before or not. It will carry you through the tough time later on today. We never know when our final Day 1 will come, I’m thinking yours was yesterday. Positive thinking!

  4. Good to hear that. Love your liver today and everyday. I am reminded today of the many harmful effects of alcohol that goes on inside of the body… the increase in breast cancer, other cancers etc. For me I noticed that I was not only aging prematurely but the harshness I saw in my face from drinking.
    Knowledge without action doesn’t produce change.
    Today is the day.

  5. That world is closed to me now. — Yes. That’s the way to look at it. Also, that world, with all the romance of the wine, never really existed for you (if for anyone, certainly not for me). I wanted to be a princess and live in a castle when I was young. As an adult, I don’t really mourn that “lost” world, because I know it wasn’t real. Now time to find your castle (or romance or beauty) someplace that really exists, the sober world. Nicely done.

  6. In time you will shatter the idyllic notion that you have of drinking. It does take time but it will happen and the thoughts of ‘never having fun again without alcohol’ will become ridiculous. America sounds very exciting and California is amazing, there are many things to do other than the vineyards and hopefully next year, you won’t even want to visit them. Big hugs xxx

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