I’m on Day 5, it’s 5.15pm and I’m really struggling.
I’ve had a good week, working my sobriety in a positive way, taking it easy and trying to be calm and thoughtful about it all. But as Friday approached, I noticed I was starting to question and doubt my intentions. I went to a meeting yesterday, and found it very helpful, but today I didn’t go to the meeting I was planning to go to, instead agreeing to a spontaneous lunch with a friend. On the way to the lunch, I cancelled my appointment with my counsellor, and by the time I met my friend, I felt certain that I didn’t need all this sobriety malarkey.
But an interesting thing happened: I told my friend about what I was doing, about the counsellor, the drinking, the attempts to stop. She emboldened me to carry on with my original plans.
Afterwards, I felt frightened: a fear of sobriety, a fear of not being sober. I feel as though I am on the edge of breaking through this, reaching beyond all the doubts and committing to sobriety properly. But it is so difficult.
I had stopped writing the blog for a bit, but this evening I am reaching out. I have texted some people I met in meetings, I have texted the friend from lunch, and I have made a plan with my husband that I will do the driving this weekend when my daughter needs picking up from a party tomorrow evening – earlier today, I tried to rearrange that plan.
Sometimes, I feel like I am going mad.