Unlucky 13

It’s Day 13, which is further than I’ve got in a long time. But it is painfully difficult this evening. Over the course of the day, I have decided to drink/resolved not to drink about 25 times. It is now 5.45pm, my husband had son are out this evening, and so I am here with my two daughters. About 5 minutes ago, I had a small meltdown in my head, where I imagined myself having a glass of something with alcohol in it.  My trying to be sober suddenly seemed like the hugest hard work and I wondered why why why was I doing this?

I am finding this so incredibly hard.

13 thoughts on “Unlucky 13”

  1. Yes, it is hard. Most things worth doing are. Was childbirth a walk in the park? How about your kids in early infancy? Did you once say, you know, I would really rather get some sleep, so I am deciding NOT to be parent any more, I’ll just chuck this mewling infant out the window? Of course not. And eventually, it got better, it got easier. Your new life as a parent was not the same as your life without kids — never will be. It is harder in some ways but more rewarding in so many other ways. Now you can’t even imagine going back to your childless life.

    Sobriety is like that.

    Sobriety is like that except you seem to believe you have a choice in the matter. God, how much harder would childbirth and baby raising have been if you thought you could rethink the decision at any time. I know that at about hour twenty of labor, I was perfectly willing to ditch the whole parenthood thing, had that been an option. And what a horrible, life changing mistake that would have been.

    Sobriety is like that.

    I don’t think the choice you are constantly debating exists, not as you are framing it. You could have abandoned your colicky baby on a church doorstep, but would that mean you would have gone back to a blissful, carefree existence as a child-free woman? No, you would have the guilt and heartbreak of abandoning your child, you would have lost the love and respect of your husband and your friends, you would have lived out your lonely years beating yourself up and trying to hide from what you had become. And you can drink, right now, cancel the counselor, stop going to meetings, and give up all this sobriety rigamarole. But you will not go back (if you ever were there) to the blissful, carefree existence of a moderately drinking woman. You will have the guilt and heartbreak of abandoning your children, will lose the love and respect of your husband and friends, and you will live out your lonely years, which may not be all that many, beating yourself up and trying to hide (in a bottle) from who you have become.

    Yeah, it is hard, but it is the least hard of the options you have available to you right now. And you are making it harder by imagining that you have a better choice than sobriety.

    I am sorry that alcoholism has brought you to this painful and difficult place. It is a cruel disease and demands hard work to get better. The good news is, you can get better. The bad news is, its not easy.

    Don’t drink, Annie.

      1. Thanks Lisa! I actually don’t blog. And I rarely comment on blogs. Just Annie’s. Because I think she can make it. and she is So. Damn. Close. But I am a writer, so it always makes me unreasonably happy when my words resonate. So thank you for saying so.

  2. Annie, I’m here right with you… today I imagined wolfie was down in a pit trying to tempt me in! I know if he does, I’ll feel sad again… I hope you find the strength to resist the urge tonight – just tonight – worry about tomorrow when it comes. What can you do instead? Is there a treat you and your daughters would enjoy? It could be anything – you can drive anywhere sober… take it easy xx

  3. Don’t drink! You don’t want your family to be afraid every time they leave you will drink. Make it so they can trust you. Your son wants you to succeed so badly. If you drink tonight he will always think that you will drink when he’s not there. Don’t do it. You are an alcoholic. Remind yourself everyday!

  4. Feeling like I too would like a drink right now. Have been a little down all day, for no reason I can think of, and Wolfie is saying a drink will lift your spirits. I’m trying to say back to him “it my brighten my day for 5 minutes then all will come crashing down!” Sending this reply so someone will tell me not to do it!
    Mary 💗💕

    1. I am going to tell you not to do it! Don’t do it, Mary! I made an alcoholic drink earlier, and then poured it down the sink before taking a sip. I’ve never done that before, never. I’m so glad to see you here. Annie x

      1. Yay!!!! Get through the next minute. Then the next. Then the next. You have to not drink for this to get better, if you don’t drink now, you may never feel like this again. If you do drink, you will.

  5. Don’t drink please!!! Do you REALLY want to start over again????
    Good advice from above…eat chocolate, ice cream, make cookies whatever it takes. You can do this Annie!!! Love yourself girl!

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