Here I am, day 14. Thank you for all your help and encouragement last night. Yesterday was difficult. I so nearly drank, at one point actually carefully making a gin and tonic, ice and everything, then putting it in the fridge, and then pouring it down the sink and having a plain tonic instead. Rather than drinking, I sat down and read blogs, coming across an interesting post on Fitfatfood’s blog (which I love), in which she’d posted an article about Moderation Management. Reading it, a whole host of thoughts went through my mind, including the possibility of drinking, but it was at the end of the article that I poured the gin and tonic down the drain. Primrose had commented on that blog, putting up a link to another post by hipsobriety which also made fascinating reading – it’s about embracing sobriety and seeing the positives, rather than feeling different, like a leper (it didn’t say that, but that’s my interpretation of it) and it helped me to see that I could turn sobriety into a good thing for me, that I could enjoy it, rather than constantly seeing it as a hurdle and as a terrible burden. Alongside these two blogs, and many other helpful ones, I read Mummywasasecretdrinker’s latest post, about obstacles, and that really helped too.
So you see, instead of drinking my gin and tonic, and returning to the torture that is my daily will I/won’t I drink debate, I put that aside, and did some more research, and that helped me stay sober for another day.
I am stumbling along the path, and it is far from perfect. It’s one of the things that makes it hard for me, the quest to have the perfect path. I guess in my mind I have the Ideal Sober Plan set up, with regular meetings, counselling sessions, a tidy toolbox, rewards, a mind increasingly clear, a shiny blog, a crisp sense that what I am doing is right. The reality is so different: daily struggling with whether or not I want/need to be sober, constant cancelling and rebooking the counsellor, big question mark over whether I should attend meetings and whether or not they are helpful to me when I do go, the nagging feeling that I’m overreacting…
But today I am here, Day 14. Not perfect, but not hungover or regretful. Perhaps I shouldn’t think about it all quite so much!