Day 18 but I’m still flipping between conflicting thoughts: to drink/not to drink, to see the counsellor again/not to see him, reaction/overreaction. And the doubts seem to come out of the blue. Earlier today, I was pottering along, no cravings, nothing stressful, when the thought that I should cancel the counsellor, and start drinking again came into my mind. And it stuck there for hours. I emailed the counsellor, I decided not to read any more blogs, I closed my mind to sobriety and almost felt relieved that I was off that treadmill. And then, just as suddenly, I panicked: I reinstated my appointment, I touched base with a couple of blogs, I reaffirmed to myself that I need to keep plodding along this route, to explore further.
It may be partly because I am going to a big dinner thing tonight, which I’m helping to organise, and I know it will be difficult being around all that drink. But there will also be lots of people there who don’t drink, or who don’t care about drinking.
All this conflict, all these doubts, all the uncertainty…it’s horrible. And the obsession troubles me.