The future

I’m not doing very well; I keep putting everything on hold. We’re going away for a few days on a much anticipated holiday, and it is one in which I have enjoyed drinking in the past. But something needs to change. The past few days have been crazy, drinking worse than ever…a sort of drink til you sink mentality in preparation for abstemious practice when I get back. It’s clearly not a good method, and I’ve been awful: drinking more than my husband, and getting ratty and tired every evening, starting ridiculous arguments.

When I get back, the plan is that I go to 90 meetings in 90 days. It sounds intense, but I’ve tried a lot of things to stop drinking and nothing is working, so I’m going to try that. Good intentions, will power – these things are not enough.

It’s getting worse. I’m getting worse. My plans to succeed falter more quickly, and the problems are escalating. I feel sad. I was so much more buoyant last year when I was writing, and now I’m dragging myself down.

6 thoughts on “The future”

  1. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better! Take Jason Vale on holiday with you (not literally, obvs) to re-read. Carry on drinking while you’re away, but do it mindfully (with help of JV). Think about it as a poison and picture what it’s doing to you. Start getting excited about going home and kicking it into touch. Look forward to the 90 in 90 days (great idea). This is the start of something amazing! Go girl!

  2. Hi Annie

    I kind of understand the ongoing attempts and the frustration you must be feeling. I drank two bottles of wine per night every night for the last 12 months of my drinking, then I stopped, and have not looked back. I drank a bottle of wine every night for the 15 years preceding the last year. I made many attempts to stop. The difference the last time was six months of seeing a gestalt therapist/ counsellor. The counselling made a big difference for me. I have not read all of your blog but may I suggest if you have not already tried it gestalt therapy. I apologise if you have tried this and found it not for you and you have said it in your blog.

    The fact you want to stop and you are trying to stop and you keep trying, leads me to believe you will see the success you desire. Believe me if I can do it you can!

    Good luck

  3. Hi Annie,
    I have missed you! I am very much living similarly to you. Tackling each day as it comes. Trying to take control, failing, re trying, failing. I am not brave enough like you to write it all for every one to see, but took enormous solice knowing that I could read about your own struggle and smile with your little successes and share your down days. Then you disappeared and I couldn’t find where your blog was. Now you are back I realise how your plight is helping me to understand my own. Try to not beat yourself up about how you were in the past. If we had done things differently in the past we wouldn’t be going through what we are… What is done is done. We can not change that. Every day can hold a positive moment. For me yesterday I chose a half pint instead of another large wine. Not on the road to sobriety, but at least a little less. A victory! Focus on the little victories if you can. We may get there, but if we don’t at least we have tried. Enjoy your holiday and your victories – however small they may be.

  4. Take care of yourself on holiday. If you know you are drinking too much keep yourself safe.

    Follow through when you get home. We will be here to support you. If the drinking is escalating, and it always does, the quitting needs to as well.

    It might be time to seriously consider a treatment centre. You might think that sounds drastic, but it’s better than waiting until there are no other options.

    It’s not a cure, but perhaps you need that break to truly start to heal.

    Love to you

  5. I’m glad you are back sharing. Keep on doing that – it helps us more than you think. Good luck and enjoy the holiday x

  6. What everyone else says. Be proud of the fact that you still want the change, that you recognize that you need to change. Think about how good just doing something about your drinking, being proactive, will feel in comparison to doing nothing. You may not succeed right away, but at least you will be moving toward something, you will no longer just be laying there and letting steamroller flatten you time and time again like roadkill.
    Take care of yourself on vacation. It’s very easy to convince yourself to let yourself have that one last hurrah but its dangerous.

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