I woke at 5am, worrying. Things haven’t been going well. We were on holiday last week, and every evening we drank wine, possibly less than normal but I went to bed feeling tired and argued unnecessarily with my husband. Back home, I have begun to sneak drinks again. And it is the sneaking drinks which is the biggest red flag of all, that and the deep-seated knowledge that I’m never going to fix this unless I stop drinking.
The writing is on the wall. I know it is, so why is it so hard to accept, and to take the action I know I so desperately need to take? It’s as though the alcohol voice is trying every last ditch attempt to keep me stuck. It masquerades as a voice of reason, endlessly promoting moderation, when I haven’t been able to moderate for years now. I never can, and I never will.
So, back to 5am, and through my worry I formed a plan. I’ve made many plans in the past, but I’m still going to try again. And I’m enlisting all the help I can.
It’s a murky, foggy day here in the UK. Unpromising in some ways, but I’m still determined to carry on along my path. The process of writing here, of sharing this, helps me.
A Dappled Path 
Hey girl!
This vicious cycle won’t go away unless you want it to go away. It is the hardest thing you will ever do….but at the end of the day…is freedom. Freedom from hangovers, sickness, thoughts, this cycle. The only thing that’s helped me along with my numerous attempts to try and get sober alone is AA. There is power in those rooms. There is freedom there. And….when you listen to the little whispers that are meant for you to hear, you will find your way.
Hugs my friend. Hang in there. The road is hard long and curvy.
There really is a pot of gold at the end of it…..
Jen
Thanks, Jen. Everybody who succeeds in sobriety says how much better it gets; I need to get past these early days/weeks. I am determined! Annie x
Yes. Jen is right. There is a pot of gold. It’s actually there already, you just can’t see it because the alcohol is hiding it.
Take all that support. Start with clearing the House free of booze and telling your husband this is it.
love and support always
Anne
Anne, I so appreciate your being here. My husband knows about my struggle and he is helping me. Each time I try, I get more honest. Annie x
Thinking about you, Annie. I’m back here at the beginning too – let’s do it together xx
Yes, let’s do it together. I’m going to go over to your blog now and have a look what’s happening there. Annie x
thinking about you too lady. x
Thank you. You’re such a huge support to me. Annie x
Have you ever tried to moderate with the help of a support group? I know this goes against the grain of the advice that is going to be offered by others here, but one point of the blogging is sharing what worked for each of us. I joined a moderation group knowing that it probably was not a possibility for me, but I was also conflicted about quitting drinking completely because I could never quite convince myself that I’d tried as hard as i could to try to control my drinking. There are necessary tools and plans to moderation just like the ones we use when we’re trying to quit drinking completely, and I’d never used any tool to try and slow down. Just told myself to cut down and expected myself to follow through. Yeah, right. As I’ve said, probably numerous times right here in the response column of your blog, after a year at Moderation Management, I had my answer. I not only knew that I couldn’t moderate but I also discovered that I didn’t want to moderate. Right now you seem to be doing the same things over and over and then quitting them when you start drinking again.It’s time you either tried something new or re-commit yourself to AA or therapy or an online recovery group or some other kind of outside support and don’t give it up, even if you drink. Keep going and keep learning.
Thank you for this advice. That’s one of the things I like about blogging, the various viewpoints. I haven’t tried a Moderation scheme, though I think I’ve done a lot of moderation attempts on my own. You’re right when you say that when I start drinking, I give up all my support groups – that’s a bad pattern I’ve got into. I tend to have an all or nothing approach, when in fact I need to keep things going even when I slip. Annie x
I am here with you. Trying so hard. I want that freedom!! I will not drink today.