I’ve always thought I’m a competent person. I’m pretty organised, efficient, I get things done. My life is blessed. And yet I have this problem: I drink too much. When I first started exploring ways to get sober, I saw it as a challenge, something I could master, and I enjoyed the daily routine of blogging, reading round the subject, buying alcohol-free drinks and candles. I had some successful days and weeks, and began to feel the pleasures of living in a better, healthier way. Then I got bored, or tired, or fed up and started drinking again; and I found that when I tried to pick up the sober path where I’d wandered off, I had lost my way, and couldn’t get the same motivation.
This thing is bigger than me. It’s not something I can solve by blogging, reading, or buying bath oil. It is so much bigger than I ever imagined, and I’m being crushed under its weight.
Even with a feeling of real determination, with the strength of your supportive comments, with an arsenal of alcohol-free drinks, a squeaky clean plan of action of how I was going to fill my evening…I ended up drinking. And it took hold of me and swung me around as though I was nothing, nothing at all.
The harsh truth is staring at me, snarling at my pathetic attempts to stay on top of sobriety. I cannot control this, not on my own.