Bigger than me

I’ve always thought I’m a competent person. I’m pretty organised, efficient, I get things done. My life is blessed. And yet I have this problem: I drink too much. When I first started exploring ways to get sober, I saw it as a challenge, something I could master, and I enjoyed the daily routine of blogging, reading round the subject, buying alcohol-free drinks and candles. I had some successful days and weeks, and began to feel the pleasures of living in a better, healthier way. Then I got bored, or tired, or fed up and started drinking again; and I found that when I tried to pick up the sober path where I’d wandered off, I had lost my way, and couldn’t get the same motivation.

This thing is bigger than me. It’s not something I can solve by blogging, reading, or buying bath oil. It is so much bigger than I ever imagined, and I’m being crushed under its weight.

Even with a feeling of real determination, with the strength of your supportive comments, with an arsenal of alcohol-free drinks, a squeaky clean plan of action of how I was going to fill my evening…I ended up drinking. And it took hold of me and swung me around as though I was nothing, nothing at all.

The harsh truth is staring at me, snarling at my pathetic attempts to stay on top of sobriety. I cannot control this, not on my own.

11 thoughts on “Bigger than me”

  1. You have a gift. This is your gift. Find your way out so that you can help others discover their gifts.
    And, no…..most of us can’t do it alone….

  2. ‘I cannot control this, not on my own.’ You don’t have to, Annie. Ask for help. Seek treatment – out-patient, in-patient, whatever it takes. You sound tired. Let someone help you carry this weight. You are not alone. You don’t have to be alone. Reach out to someone or to many others. Real people in your world – not just us internet voices cheering for you. Let yourself fall into a new unknown. You will find your way – with help.*

  3. Wish I could stretch my arms across the ocean and hug you tight! You are so brave! If you only knew how many people you have helped by posting your own struggles, so many. Me included! Your life is blessed, count all your blessings and hang in there. Remember, be kind to yourself!
    Much love, Mary πŸ’—πŸ’—

  4. Reach out Annie – this is bigger than you – surrender yourself – it’s more than willpower – it’s being vulnerable and authentic – I was exactly where you were 2 years ago – it’s like you are writing about me!!! It’s uncanny !!! day after day – same deal – tearing myself apart every day – submitting to the toxic demon at night – repeat repeat – tired and sick of being tired – self loathing – what changed was I wanted to be the authentic me warts and all more than the veneered frightened me who hid behind alcohol..
    I sought help …. I entered a programme and work my sobriety every day – I’m 2.5 years sober and will do the work for the rest of my life – I love myself for the first time in my life at the ripe old age of 59 – no regrets but WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG to do this !!! Only God know his plan for us … Annie step out .. It’s scary but I know you can do this
    Keep trying – I’m praying for you x
    You can do this Annie

  5. Dear Annie. It is bigger than us alone. Please find that help.
    Today. Before you start believing that there is a logical answer. There isn’t.
    Love and prayers for you.


  6. good advice here. there is a paragraph missing at the end of your Blog, – it goes like this: ” and so what i am going to do is the following……….”
    get the inpatient help you need Annie, you will look back and thank yourself sooooo much. you are strong. reach out – please!!!
    love from Lisa

  7. Annie, if we could do it on our own we wouldn’t be alcoholics. It’s actually better if you reach bottom, I think, and people know as everyone is so supportive and encouraging. Doctors, counsellors, AA all do some of the heavy lifting. I am glad my private hell is out. i am not ashamed. I was ashamed. i am no longer ashamed. Sad for the time I lost, but happy I am not losing any more

    Reach out.

  8. Hugs to you Annie…please reach out for help. The addictive voice will say things like ” what’s the use”.. Listen to the real Annie…

  9. Such true words Annie. And I hear you…this isn’t some fad diet, or “new thing” to try…we are fighting for our lives, plain and simple. And we are all blessed to have found one another on here…to learn from, to comfort and understand one another, to know that even though we are all different, that we also suffer and struggle with addiction…we’ve all felt the shame, the sense of failure at trying to moderate, of hoping beyond hope that we are not really addicted…. I don’t know why we struggle. I do know that a sober life is worth living. My heart goes out to you.

  10. The majority of us can’t control it on our own. If you think of yourself as a failure for not being able to do it on your own, you have to think of most of us as failures too. You don’t think of us as failures, do you? Don’t think of yourself as one either. Take the next step and get more help on your side.

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