Thank you for all your comments, and for your support. I have felt alone, and knowing you are out there really helps.

The last few weeks I have been spiralling out of control. But last night, I had the first honest conversation with my husband that I’ve ever had about drinking. It had started in the usual way, with me talking about giving up drinking, and him saying that I was obsessing about it and that I didn’t need to worry so much. And I saw that I was never going to get anywhere unless I told him what was happening: the daily drinking, the hiding, the absolute inability to stop or control it. I saw understanding dawn behind his eyes. I was crying, I was desperate. He is such a kind, lovely man: I suggested that he stop drinking too, at least at home, and while he said that he would find that quite hard, he completely agreed to do it. I told him I would need to go to regular meetings (I think he thinks they’re a bit barmy) and that otherwise the only alternative would be for me to go away and get well in a treatment centre. I could see that that thought had never occurred to him, and we were both suddenly frightened. And something he said stuck in my mind long after I’d gone to bed: he said that I was always in a haze; I was there, doing my job with the kids, as a wife and mum, but not really there.  I haven’t really been there.

I feel so tired, but glad that I am beginning to tell the truth, and to get help.

15 thoughts on “Honesty”

  1. Annie I am so happy for you. It’s going to be hard. The hard bit is not necessarily stopping drinking. The hard bit that haze lifting. It might be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it will be the best. Welcome to not only your new life, but welcome to life.

  2. A big hug for taking such a big step! You must feel such a sense of relief to have the support and love of your husband…we all support you and wish you happiness!

  3. I love what Glenn said!! The hardest part will be to life the haze, feel the feelings, and live in the moment…. Open your heart and eyes and you will see and feel all the things you’ve been missing while drinking….
    It really is amazing.
    If you want to send me a message, I can be there for you anytime!
    My email is on my blog!
    YOU are empowered. YOU are strong. YOU are worth it!

  4. Wonderful You! That first, honest step is So difficult and scary and horrible and enormous… And then, on the other side? It is still scary, but so much smaller… Again, wonderful!

  5. p.s. For whatever reason, out of the blue the other day, I asked my husband if he liked me better sober. And without missing a beat, he said, ‘No.’ Then smiled and said, ‘Yes, of course, you dummy. You’re here now.’ … And in his teasing way, he said exactly what you’re husband said before you went to bed. I just realized it now, which is why I’m writing a little belatedly. He/They notice, even if they don’t know or see or quite get what’s going on, because they know Us – at our best and at our worst. And we aren’t quite ourselves (in my case for So long), they can feel that even if they can’t quite put their fingers on it, on the Why. … I’m so glad you told him everything. SoSo glad, Annie. I’m here and sending you all the good vibes this universe can muster (that’s a Lot).*

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