Thank you for all your comments, and for your support. I have felt alone, and knowing you are out there really helps.
The last few weeks I have been spiralling out of control. But last night, I had the first honest conversation with my husband that I’ve ever had about drinking. It had started in the usual way, with me talking about giving up drinking, and him saying that I was obsessing about it and that I didn’t need to worry so much. And I saw that I was never going to get anywhere unless I told him what was happening: the daily drinking, the hiding, the absolute inability to stop or control it. I saw understanding dawn behind his eyes. I was crying, I was desperate. He is such a kind, lovely man: I suggested that he stop drinking too, at least at home, and while he said that he would find that quite hard, he completely agreed to do it. I told him I would need to go to regular meetings (I think he thinks they’re a bit barmy) and that otherwise the only alternative would be for me to go away and get well in a treatment centre. I could see that that thought had never occurred to him, and we were both suddenly frightened. And something he said stuck in my mind long after I’d gone to bed: he said that I was always in a haze; I was there, doing my job with the kids, as a wife and mum, but not really there. I haven’t really been there.
I feel so tired, but glad that I am beginning to tell the truth, and to get help.