Wednesday afternoon

Over the past few weeks, and especially in recent days, I have found it increasingly difficult not to drink. All the good intentions I would make upon waking would start to founder mid-afternoon, and by 6pm I would have bought some alcohol and would drink it through the evening. Any notion of only drinking at weekends has been shot down; apart from one day last week, I haven’t even been able to go for 24 hours without a drink.

I am determined that today will be different, that today I will manage to have an alcohol free day, and that from there I can start to claw back some sober momentum. For much of today, I have felt awful: tired, sluggish and hopeless. This time yesterday I was beginning to feel itchy, anxious that I hadn’t bought any wine, panicking almost. Today, I accept that the situation needs to change.  Day counting feels a bit miserable, but I need to build, so here it is: Day one.

20 thoughts on “Wednesday afternoon”

  1. Me too Annie. I’ve completely lost my way. But like you I’m still trying. It’s the social stuff I can’t cope with and I don’t know how I’m ever going to. I know that I’m happier when I’m not drinking. My life is better and my body healthier but I just can’t face social events.
    I know I have to stop for my health. I know that.
    Keep trying Annie xx

    1. Social events are tough. I just cancelled most things for a while. I decided I needed to take care of myself more than pretend I was still having fun.
      Now I go to a anything I am interested in and I have a fantastic time. Sober. It is weird at first, but slowly I realized I liked knowing where I was,what I was doing and that the next day I would feel good.

      I never ever expected that. I really believed I needed booze for fun and to deal with my personal generalized anxiety.

      Turns out booze was actually helping neither.

      Give yourself a chance to try it!

    2. Hi Sarah. Thanks for your comment. Social events are a deal breaker for me; almost invariably I have drunk at them, so I need to avoid them at the moment. I guess people build up ways of coping with them, so I’ll work on that. Annie x

  2. Keeping trying is great, Annie. It’s how anyone gets better. I really feel for you, being stuck in that low place, as I’ve been there and I know it’s super tough. Something that worked for me when I was quitting (I have been back and forth but sober now) Is to give myself a week, which I called “Spa Week,” on the premise that I was probably like one of those aging rock stats suffering from nervous exhaustion who just needed some time out. I bought plenty of nice things for myself like teas and fizzy water and fruit juices, and expensive salad ingredients like arugula, and I even went out for beet or carrot juice some days, and I ate plenty of fruits and veggies and fresh salmon and healthy stuff, and I did little but read trashy books (mysteries are my version of trashy) and I walked lots, all the while telling myself that my body just needed a short break. When I couldn’t even get a day without caving in and drinking, this helped me, and I could get myself seven days, which isn’t everything but it’s a great start. And though I was miserable and terrified, I framed it as a treat to myself and joked about it with my husband (eg me lying on the couch reading, calling out “you’ll have to get those dishes love, OK, I’m at the spa all week”). I couldn’t possibly do anything useful or go to any event, because I was at the low-rent homemade spa I’d set up for myself. It was silly, true, but it gave me the break I needed a few times without having to be so deadly serious about it all, because the seriousness of it all actually terrified me. And I have fallen back on that when I decided to drink again, twice, and had trouble getting back to convincing myself that sober was where I wanted to me.

    All this might not help you at all, but I wanted to give an example of the kind of silly thing that can work when “trying anything” is where you are. Whatever you do, I’m rooting for you! xo

    1. I think this is a great idea. Certainly, I need new ideas as what I have been doing hasn’t been working. The seriousness of it all terrifies me as well. I think that’s partly why I keep going back to drinking: because it’s familiar. Annie x

    1. I’ve just read your latest blog post. So your symptoms have meant you’ve had to go to hospital! I hope you are ok? Keep me posted. Sending you love. Annie x

      1. Thanks 🙂 yes they thought it was appendicitis but it’s not. I will post at some point but I’ve only got my phone…I’m not in pain now but waiting for a scan. I’m glad they now know what it probably is – it explains a few long term symptoms – but apprehensive as to what result the treatment will have. Thank you for thinking about me, Im really fine at the moment, hopefully it will be good news in the end. Hope you’re doing OK Annie, stay strong 🙂 xxx

  3. Day 1 is still a better place to be than going to bed again on day 0. I had loads of attempts until it finally stuck – thinking of you x

  4. Annie, it’s hard to do by yourself have you considered AA or a counsellor. Both is great if you can. AA is good in that there are meetings all the time and if you feel like a drink you can go. if you still want the drink afterwards, have it, well hopefully you won’t.

    This is very hard to do alone, reach out.

    1. Hi Glenn. I’ve tried both these things, then stopped, then started, and so on. But I’m trying again now, as I know I can’t do this alone. Counsellor is rebooked and I’m going to meetings again. Annie x

  5. You have been gaining a lot of good research into your problem. It helped me to realize that normal drinkers don’t go through this struggle…ever. They could quit without too much of a problem. The fact that you are having such a hard time is proof that you need to quit. Now on to acceptance of that fact, that no matter what you are not a normal drinker. It can be helpful to remember that during the really tough times when you want to go buy wine. I have been exactly where you are and it really can get so much better.

  6. We have all had many day ones and we support you! We all know this pain and it is massive but the other side where sobriety lives is beautiful!

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