Back to Day one again. Someone once commented on my blog that I couldn’t make a decision, and I must say I am finding it hard to stick at anything where sobriety is concerned. Flitting from idea to action – momentarily – and then I feel frozen with fear at proceeding. It’s absurd.
I have cancelled the poor counsellor so many times, he must despair of my ever committing to anything. And yet he has said he’ll keep my appointment open tomorrow for me. I MUST GO TO THAT APPOINTMENT.
Here’s what happens: I resolve to get sober, and I feel positive and excited about it. I know it’s the right thing to do. Within hours, or even minutes sometimes, I have set up a vision of myself happily and sensibly drinking, and I start pulling apart the fragile sober plan I’ve made earlier. And then, for a day or two, I drink madly and chaotically, and think that I’m ok doing that, before I wake startled by my own lunacy.
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?
A Dappled Path 
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?………. Yes, yes and yes! To me it sounds like I could have written this post.
I’m back on day 1 yet I’ve already felt like “I know” I’ll drink later. Stuck in this cycle is hell and it is all consuming. I have decided to try and focus on sorting out my anxiety issues and my depression because I think it’s part of the cause rather than just a symtom. I’m even looking at rehab/retreat to get me out of my routine. But I don’t know how possible that is right now.
Annie, I feel like your blog could be my blog… we’ve been up and down on this rollercoaster for well over a year, trying to quit, sometimes succeeding but other times being stuck on day 1 after day 1. I don’t have any advice… but I can say, I’m here, I’m also going through the same feelings every day, it’s horrible but we are at least trying. There’s lots of people who never even try but we are so that’s one positive.
Depression and anxiety and symptoms. The cause is that you are drinking too much. Alcohol is a depressant and it causes anxiety when you are in withdrawal from it.
This is exactly where I was. You should consider the rehab. Breaking the cycle is vital. Sometimes a break from every day life is the way to do that.
Or reach out for help. Go to AA tonight. Go every night.
Try an online meeting. Whatever. Just change your plan for tonight and don’t drink.
The anxiety might peak. You might have to scream and cry (I did lots of that). And hide in the bath. And eat chocolate.
But it will pass and you will be amazed at just how horribly alcohol was treating you.
You deserve joy and relief and freedom.
Anne
I am back to day 1 again too Annie. Weekends are a huge trigger for me. I just don’t know what to do with myself. How do I relax without a drink!? I need to figure that out.
Yes. Weekends are hard hard hard.
Make a plan. Hide in bed. Just get through next weekend and it all becomes easier.
I absolutely know how you feel. I have lost track of how many Day1s I have had. Day 2s…not so many. Its the same cycle day after day. Wake up feeling awful. Lying in bed vowing that today I will won’t drink today. Unable to manage to eat anything, only drink coffee until noon. Start to feel better, manage to eat something. Drink some water. Stomach is settling. I start to plan dinner and immediately think of what wine would go with what I am going to make…by 5:00 I tell my husband I need a few things at the store…and I pick up a couple of bottles of wine in the process. I promise myself that tonight I will moderate, but once I start…gone. Two bottles of wine a night. And the next morning…I start all over again. It is crazy. Day 1 again for me. I am determined to break this cycle. I wish you love and luck to do the same. Many hugs.
Change something. It is the only way change the results.
For me, it was Emptying the house of alcohol and calling a therapist and telling my husband I was serious.
No more mental plans. You need support. There is so much more life to live and it is amazing sober. Absolutely amazing.
well you know me, i have to agree with ainsobriety 🙂 it’s about trying different, not trying harder. what you’ve been doing up to now isn’t working. so it’s time to try something else. something that you’ve – up to now – resisted for whatever reason. it’s time now.
Annie, I’m exactly where you are… and can relate so much to all the comments above. You’re not alone struggling so badly to get out of this vicious circle. I pray we’ll find the light that will guide us to freedom and happiness. Sending you love, Diane xox
It makes perfect sense. It’s hard to move from a life you know to one you don’t. There’s always that sense that perhaps, just maybe, where you are is better than where you may go, even if you know where you’re going is a better place. Nobody probably ever had only one day 1. Just part of the process.
Yes. Resolve to go to the appointment, even if you drink today.
Ask him for real help. Read this to him.
That’s it. One item. Complete it.
Keep stepping in the right direction.
You deserve it.
Love from Canada
Anne
Annie, I am so happy to see you are here and trying again. Anne gives so much excellent advice. I just passed 18 months and sometimes I still have my doubts and ask myself, “Why am I doing this?” and “I can’t not drink forever.” But reading blogs and such helpful responses as Anne’s (usually on Mondays as some weekends are still hard) re-motivates me every time. I remember to take one day at a time and simply say to myself, “I will not drink today.” Good luck and yes keep the appt. with the counselor and keep talking with your husband. The more you have outside support, the less chance you will talk yourself out of your plans.
Makes sense to me. I think feeling like you are two different people is part of addiction, or at least it has been for me. Like you, sometimes (often!) I hated the whole process and didn’t want to go through with it, as though I could decide once and for all whether or not to get sober and either way it would be all cleared up in one fell swoop. I found it a little bit helpful to think in smaller increments, and also to try to become more aware of both parts of who I am, so that I was more familiar with the me who wanted to drink and the me who wanted to be sober and I could see what each side was up to a little more than I had. Prior to that, I would only acknowledge the part I was in, so part of me was always cut off from my own experience, and even when I wasn’t drinking the part that wanted abandon and fun was denied, which didn’t work either for long. I don’t know if that’s helpful at all but it’s been my experience.
Seeing the counsellor is a good idea, but of course you know that. Glad to see you here and writing, but sorry you’re suffering. Big hug to you. xo
Hi Annie,
I have never commented before but have been reading your blog for a long time. I have been rooting for you! I have definitely been where you are and hope to be never again. It took me three and a half years to get sober. The cycle of waking up every single day to a bad hangover and feeling of anxiety and dread and oh god, who did I call/text, what did I say? and promising to not drink tonight – only to find myself drunk again – was a true nightmare.
Looking back on that awful time, I can understand why it took me three years. Every day began and ended the same because I was addicted and thought if I just wanted it badly enough, I could do it. I could secretly make the decision to stop and I would be okay. My boyfriend drank, my friends drank, my roommates drank, my coworkers drank. I worked in a restaurant so getting drunk after work every night was the routine. So I would wake up and decide to stop and that was insane. Like willpower alone was enough to stop this freight train that had gotten out of control.
The insanity of this thinking literally blows my mind now. It’s like starting every morning with a well, and you need to use it to quench the thirst of 20 camels. You have enough water to give to ten camels. Then, the next day you go to the same well with the same amount of water in it just hoping that today somehow things will be different and all the camels will be watered. It is impossible! Sorry for the super shitty analogy, but I just mean… nothing changes if nothing changes.
Only you can find your way but maybe you could find ways to get some more water in the well! Or tools in your sober toolbox, I guess is what they say?
For me rehab was not an option – no insurance – but I did tell my family and best friend that I had a problem and I drove across the country to her house to sit on her couch knowing it was a safe place for me – for over a month. I watched tv, cried, read sober blogs. At the time it felt so pathetic and almost dramatic – but it was life changing and life saving. It was a month out of my life, and now I look back on it as a beautiful time of changing so deeply and spiritually and my life has never been the same. I think it was also helpful too to go to that “safe place” because though I did not experience seizures or become violently ill without alcohol, my hangovers were so bad because I was feeling withdrawal effects and by early evening time, my body was screaming for a drink. Again, willpower alone, “secretly” deciding to change was not enough.
Sober blogs helped immensely, and I began to find my own tools. Searching for joy became a game – what is the most beautiful thing I can see right now? – and focusing on it. Taking pictures on my phone – constantly – of strange things, of beautiful things – all seen through this beautiful new lense of sobriety – and scrolling through them ALL – every single night – has become my bedtime ritual.
I didnt mean to be all me me me me here I just wanted to share some of my story because I was definitely where you are and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. I hope you can find some more resources to help you get sober! xoxox much love!
This is a beautiful comment. You’re right – there is so much beauty to behold in the world that isn’t eclipsed by alcohol.
Annie, I’ve been following your journey for awhile, and I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said by other people. I’m rooting for you – and I have faith that you’ll find the strength to get help, stop drinking, and heal.
That is so, so cool kedzierose! Great advice and I will remember the visual of you taking beautiful new pictures every day and scrolling through them as you explored the new world of sobriety for a long time!
Hi Annie! I was reading a book by Glennon Doyle called Carry on Warrior…she is pretty churchy, which I’m not, but her first chapter made such sense to me…”You lie paralyzed in bed and shake from the horrifying realization that life as you know it is over. Then, you think that’s probably okay, since life as you know it totally blows.”…”And what matters most right now is that you are sober, so you will not worry about whether the real you will be brave or smart or funny or beautiful or responsible enough. Because the only thing you have to be is sober. You owe the world absolutely nothing but sobriety. If you are sober, you are enough. Even if you are shaking and cursing and boring and terrified. You are enough.”
There’s more of course. You are not alone. You are loved. You are worth it.
xoxo Jen (one of Belle’s believers)
It sounds like you are waiting for an outside/external sign or decision to take this problem out of your hands. I say this because I hovered where you are for almost two years, I think. I kept tempting my husband, or my friends, or my family to notice I had a drinking problem, and to say something about it. To make the decision for me that I had to get help, and that I had to stop. I drank some days in hopes that I would hit my bottom, and that would be the sign that today was my last day drinking. I drank and hoped and yearned for someone else to do the work for me, but no one did. And I was angry, and I was pissed, and I was desperately clinging to the thing I thought soothed me best, but there was still no outside answer. After days and weeks and months of spinning and circling around mornings of ‘Never drinking again,’ I finally woke-up and thought ‘Okay, today is the day.’ And I made the decision. It wasn’t Forever. It wasn’t until Infinity. It wasn’t until Hell Froze Over. It was just Today. And from there, my Todays have multiplied, but it is always just that – Today. Right now. Choose your day and begin. No one else can do it for you. -HM.
Oh Annie. We have all been there. It’s horrible. It’s torture. It’s like living in a prison where you youself are the guard. I wish you could feel for a day how good things are once you stop for good. But take comfort in the fact that we all had to pass through the eye of the storm to get to calmer shores and ultimately, freedom. Big love from Sydney Australia xx
How did it go with the counsellor? I really hope you made it to the appointment. Keep going to see him, even if you do go back to day one. I think it’s important to have someone that you can talk to honestly. Sometimes you need to tell on the addictive part of the brain, otherwise it will convince you that you’re not addicted at all, and persuade you to drink. I think you need someone to help you through that, face to face. Let go, and let someone help you. Xx
Sobering statistics! I was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month ago. I have had surgery and all promising. Found out my cancer is estrogen receptor and more than 2 drinks a day increased chances 20 percent. Maybe my bottle of wine a day caused it, maybe not. Also learned that now that I have it, even one drink a day gives me. 90 percent chance of it returning. Also makes meds ineffective and side effects crippling. I am day 1 again and it has to last. Annie, stay with it.