Back to Day one again. Someone once commented on my blog that I couldn’t make a decision, and I must say I am finding it hard to stick at anything where sobriety is concerned. Flitting from idea to action – momentarily – and then I feel frozen with fear at proceeding. It’s absurd.
I have cancelled the poor counsellor so many times, he must despair of my ever committing to anything. And yet he has said he’ll keep my appointment open tomorrow for me. I MUST GO TO THAT APPOINTMENT.
Here’s what happens: I resolve to get sober, and I feel positive and excited about it. I know it’s the right thing to do. Within hours, or even minutes sometimes, I have set up a vision of myself happily and sensibly drinking, and I start pulling apart the fragile sober plan I’ve made earlier. And then, for a day or two, I drink madly and chaotically, and think that I’m ok doing that, before I wake startled by my own lunacy.
Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?