It is raining,  I am sitting in the kitchen, and I’m not sure what to do.

Not being sure what to do has become my new thing. Well, not really new; I never seem to know what to do these days, how to proceed, and have been dithering for months now. Looking back at my blog, and at my life over the past year or so, it is glaringly obvious that I should stop drinking, and so WHY CAN’T I MANAGE IT?

Shortly after writing my last post, my son became ill and has been off school since then. He is 13, and has been ill a lot. When he was only a few weeks old, he had to go to hospital for a few days as he was dangerously ill; it was so stressful, trying to look after a tiny baby in a ward, and worrying about him. Whenever he is ill now, it plunges both of us into a kind of depression, and though I was fine-ish during the day over the course of this week, looking after him, as soon as my husband got home, I would slink into the kitchen and drink.

So this is what has been happening over the past few days. I cancelled the counsellor, I closed down my blog for a bit, I angrily said to myself that I was fine.

It’s still raining. My son is getting better. I can hear him moving about in the next room. I feel lost. But thank you for all your comments after my last post. I can’t tell you how many times I read, and reread them.

17 thoughts on “Excuses”

  1. Annie, I know what you are going through – I am 45 with husband and a son, and I’ve been trying to stop binge drinking (wine) for years. I started following your blog when I started doing Belle’s 100-day challenge. I’m on day 4. I know I have a long way to go, but I feel like I can do this and that I’ve got a strength in me that I’ve never had before. I’ve found some of my lost power this week from reading sober blogs. I’m recording each day on my own blog (theunlitpath.wordpress.com), and I hope you’ll visit and that somehow it helps you. You are not alone, which means you are not lost: Others are on this journey with you, and they are there to help you down the path you desperately want to be on.

  2. Hi Annie

    I find myself drawn to looking at your blog to see how you are doing and when I see the blog closed I can feel your pain.

    Today is my new day one, I’m going to stay with a sober friend to get me out of my everyday life. I know you can’t do this with children but… I wondered if you’d like to join me doing 30 days sober? Starting today if you like? I’m taking a break from online stuff for the 30 days to try and worry less but I’d love to log on each day to support you. We could aim to have 30 days under our belts before Christmas – then when we feel better, who knows we might have a sober Christmas x it’s totally up to you but I wanted to offer my support as we are in such similar situations and struggle with alcohol in a very similar way. xx

    1. I would like to join you – 30 days under my belt before Christmas would be amazing. I am starting today, so you are probably ahead of me. How are you doing? Annie x

      1. Hi Annie

        That’s great, I’m doing well and started yesterday too so we are at the same place – knowing you are doing this too will help so much.

        Day 2 today? I’ll log in each day to let you know how it’s going and see how you are xxx

  3. Hi Annie. I hear you. I used to feel so lost, too, and I’ve fallen back to that dark place whenever I started drinking again. Drinking: eventually it’s a super tough thing to live with and just as tough to kick. But kicking it is worth it, and is eventually easier than living with the ongoing pain and madness. I won’t tell you which version of help you need, as I don’t know that, but we all need lots of help in quitting. I know I did, and do. I’m praying you reach out and find yours.

    Sorry to hear about your son’s illness. That’s a strain on you. I’m glad to hear he’s on the mend now.

    Take good care. xo

    1. I read your blog avidly. You’re right – I do need lots of help, and I’m in the process of working out what I need, and trying different things. Annie x

  4. When I don’t know what to do, I do nothing. At first, this was hard for me….because of my need to do everything the way I want to do it, now, my way. But, when you sit, without making a decision, in stillness, it’s calming. Don’t do anything. It’s okay to not to anything. Just sit. Breathe. Answers will come.
    Sober Mommy

  5. Hello Annie…don’t give up, keep going trying and get help…you don’t have to keep suffering…it’s this damn addiction that tells us we have to live addicted. ((Hugs)) Jenn

  6. Checking in after some time away. I’m sad to see drinking is as powerful as ever, as it was for me and for millions of us every day, but I’m happy to see your determination shine through.

    Perhaps tonight, say a little prayer to the universe, thinking of all the millions of people all over the world who have trodden this path and want you to succeed. See the little lights of hope shine all over the globe and harness them: that is your power and your silent support network. It is possible and I know you will do this.

  7. Annie, Would it be at all helpful to think about the many, many things that you, and all of the women here, have decided to refrain from or abstain from at one time or another — bad boyfriends, cigarettes, foods, other drinks (diet soda possibly, or coffee for some reason) — and then done it? If you are sure you are not at the point of alcohol use where you have withdrawals so serious you could have a seizure (and it sounds possibly like you are sure you are not there), it can help to start from the position of knowing you are strong, not continually telling yourself you are weak and hopeless and helpless and a bad person who can’t control herself. You are a good person, a strong person. My perception from reading many blogs is that this was an elemental starting point for Lisa and Wendy and Ann(ain) and Jen and many, many others. (Not to discount you gentlemen, you, too, certainly, I’m just more familiar with the female experience of being told we’re weak and hopeless and helpless and bad. This also happens to men, I know.) You beat yourself up constantly on your blog for failing. I have no way of knowing if you talk to yourself that way in your head in your real life, but I’d bet you do. So I’ll say this: You are smart, you are literate, you are strong, you are capable. You’d like to be alcohol-free for a while. Nothing to be ashamed of.

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