Being kind

I’ve made it to Day 2. I’m ambivalent about day counting, but I think I need it at the moment, to try to build up some momentum. I’d got into such a spiral of waking vowing I’d never drink again, only to open a bottle as soon as it got dark; I thought I’d never escape, and I began not to care, that’s the scariest thing of all.  Building the days slowly and thoughtfully feels important.

I went to a school concert last night, and in the interval I bought fizzy elderflower for myself and a friend. At home, my husband asked if I’d bought wine. I guess it’s not surprising that he hardly believes the conversation we’d had that very morning, and he still thinks I’d start drinking again all too easily. It made me feel slightly nervous; I need to prove to him, and to myself, that I mean it. But I know it’s a familiar mantra to the problem drinker: I will stop drinking, I promise. And these words mean nothing unless they’re accompanied by action.

In the meantime, I am paying attention to the comments about kindness – something I’ve often been puzzled by in sober blogs, the idea of ‘being kind’ to oneself. But after many many many attempts to get sober, I think it means that I need to move slowly and carefully through these early days, not taking on too much, not giving myself opportunities to fail. As Angie says on her blog -itstimetogetsober – it is easy to be motivated when you’re feeling rubbish and can’t bear the idea of drinking, less easy when those memories start to fade. That’s a danger point for me, when I start to feel better and think I’ve been imagining the whole problem.

Some people have suggested I look into rehab. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t think I’m going to do that; and if I’m not going to do that, I need to make sure I’m doing other stuff to support what I’m trying to do here: I’m going back to my meetings, every day if I can, even though they partly terrify me, and by turns make me scoff at myself and think I’m being ridiculous. This time, I’m planning to listen, not freak out and go and buy wine on my way home in some weird attempt to ‘cancel out’ what is happening, and maybe, just maybe try and see if the meetings, and the people there can help me. The counsellor? Not sure what I’m going to do about that yet, as I kept cancelling, even when I paid up front.

Achingly slow, but tiptoe-ing along.

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9 thoughts on “Being kind”

  1. Thanksgiving here in the U.S., a day, for me at least, to count our blessings. You Annie are among mine. 450 days ago you were my inspiration, visiting my daughter in Washington DC sitting across from the White House reading your blog gave me the jump start I needed. I reached out and you were there. You are still my inspiration and I hope I can be here for you. Hugs!!
    Mary 💗💕

  2. Congrats on day 2 Annie! That is awesome. You have made it past the dreaded day 1 and can now hopefully get some momentum going. I am here for you. I am keen to try meetings too, but have yet to get to one. Something I will have to look into. I wouldn’t worry about the councellor for now. It is obviously stressing you out. Keep going to your meetings and that is an excellent start. I am so proud of you Annie. A x

  3. Congrats on day 2. I love what you’re saying here! Going slow and not taking on too much, that’s exactly what I needed early on, and I am still super careful about getting overextended. And listening–to others and to yourself–really helps, too. I go to meetings too this time around, and they also terrify me. (The first times I went, a couple of years ago, I did do what you said–drink again to cancel out the fact that I’d been there. That’s so well said). But they help, because I am seeing that there are many people who have the same problem, and even though mine doesn’t look so dramatic from a distance as some do, I know it is. Big hug to you, Annie! I hope you’re having a good day. xo

  4. Day 2 is good. I am on another day 5.
    When I started blogging about my attempts to sober up, I learned a few things about myself. I was not kind to myself. I was surprised to discover that because I never thought about myself in those terms. Later I also learned that it takes a very long time to learn how to allow myself to slow down and actually enjoy it. And love myself more. I am still in the process of accepting myself the way I am… One step at a time.

  5. Congrats on day 2 Annie. Rehab does not appeal to me too. Writing a post on here and going to an AA meeting everyday is working for me this time. I have now met a few AA friends, there are 2 in particular who became sober the same time as me, we text and call each other most days which also helps. Surround yourself with other alcoholics, both in real life and online. It’s working for me. Good luck.

  6. I’m glad you’re here, Annie. Remember Days 3, 4, & 5 can be hurdles. Be gentle and do what you need to do to stay sober – even if it means crawling under the blankets for three days in a row and eating marshmallow fluff out of the jar. Whatever it takes.*

  7. I often wish I had taken the break to go to rehab.
    To have left things behind and focused on me.
    But I couldn’t go when I wanted to, and when I could I decided I was past needing to go. I had been sober for a few months and had found tools at home like therapists, doctors, friends and yoga. And meetings.

    Don’t let comparison shake this resolve. Someone is always better and worse than us. It’s your soul that suffering. That’s what matters.

    It’s worth knowing what’s available. I had even chosen where I would go. Somehow that helped me.

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