Friday

I am panicking. It’s Day 3 for me, and this morning I stocked up on all sort of AF drinks, and good snacks which I know help fill the craving gaps. I was feeling positive. But the meeting I went to this afternoon completely threw me. I listened, and also spoke – and I don’t like speaking there, I still feel frightened and stupid – but as I left, the lady who had been helping me a bit in the past walked out without speaking to me. I ran after her and asked her if she could help me, but she rushed off, saying, ‘Go to loads of meetings.’ She is probably right, but I felt small, and as though she is fed up with me, that she thinks I’m a lost cause.

So what did I do? I texted my husband to say that I didn’t fit in at the meeting, and that I wanted to drink only at weekends. He replied – sensibly – saying that I may not feel as ‘bad’ as some of the people I hear there, but that I still shared some of the characteristics and the lack of control. He suggested we discuss it again tonight over a mocktail.  And so what did I do then? I drove to the supermarket and bought various alcoholic drinks ‘for the weekend’. And now I’m sitting here, hating myself.

I haven’t drunk any alcohol yet. I want to, and I don’t want to. Can you hear me?

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12 thoughts on “Friday”

  1. Meeting woman was awful,I wouldn’t want to go back. But drinking isn’t the answer either. Go to bed if you have to and tell hubby to take all the alcohol out of the house. One minute at a time! Don’t think beyond that! Hugs!!!
    Mary 💗💕

  2. If you drink again this weekend, you will end up in the exact same place you have always been. Nothing will change. It’s scary and hard but it’s better than this repetitive hell!!!! I’m on day 5. We CAN do this. Xo

    1. Thank you for that comment clearlee it’s helping me to NOT DRINK on this Friday night… Day 2 and going to bed sober with a good book. Annie, you can do this, let’s focus on how we want to feel tomorrow. Diane xo

  3. Hi Annie. Feeling awful after something and trying to cancel it out by changing your mind and drinking is something you wrote about a few days ago. I used to do that a lot, and I sure did same thing after meetings a while back. Finding a way to sit through your own discomfort is so important. The woman might have had an appointment or a migraine or might be battling her own urge to drink, or whatever. Her reaction doesn’t have to reflect on you. I find it super hard to separate myself from other’s reactions, but I think it’s important to learn how, and I’m working on that.

    I’d say committing to not drinking today, taking deep breaths, and walking or something like that might help me if I were sitting with the discomfort. When you husband gets home, maybe he can help you pack up that booze and get rid of it.

    Big hug to you. You can do this. xo

  4. Don’t do it.
    Maybe that lady is sick, dealing with and emergency, etc. It’s not about you.

    I’m not sure you are listening to the people at the meeting. They are sober. You can’t get even a few days together. None of them are worse off than you.

    You are the one suffering. Sober means free. It is not a life sentence of drudgery. It is liberating, joy, pure happiness.

    Get rid of the booze. You don’t need it. It isn’t a treat. It is poison and it is killing you.

    Please stick with us. We all want you to find peace.

    Anne

    1. I completely agree with this: you never know what that lady had going on.

      It’s not that you don’t fit in at meetings, it’s that you’re at the hardest point of your entire sobriety. Cling on.

  5. My sponsor always said to me in my first few weeks “just get your head on the pillow tonight sober, that’s the one thing you need to do.”

    Focus on that. It’s 7pm- maybe say you’ll get to 9pm and have a bath then bed. Or get out for a walk. Just don’t drink. Head. Pillow. Sober.

  6. What the others have said is right Annie. This lady most likely had something else going on, it wasn’t you. I am the same though, I worry so much about what others think of me, when I should be just worrying what ‘I’ think of me. You can do this Annie. Ask your husband to take the alcohol away and stick to your sober path. You will regret it so much if you drink tonight. And remember how hard it was to get beyond day 1. You are on day 3! Make it to day 4. I am here for you. A x

  7. We can hear you. Question is, can you hear you? You’re screaming for help. Can you hear yourself begging? You must do the work Annie as we have done and continue to do. Sobriety, at the end of the day, is not a team sport. Only you can be sober for you! We can’t be sober for you but we can be sober with you! It’s your hand pouring the drink, no one can stop you but yourself. Wishing the best for you.

  8. If he hasn’t done it already, ask your husband to get rid of the alcohol. Then please, please go back and read what you wrote on the 25th and the 26th. Who was the woman that wrote those entries, and what did she want so badly? She wanted to end the cycle.
    Honor the work you’ve done and the effort you’ve set forth these last few days. Give it all your power! Tell yourself, “No matter what, I won’t drink today.” We are here for you. We want you to be free, and so do you.

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