I am panicking. It’s Day 3 for me, and this morning I stocked up on all sort of AF drinks, and good snacks which I know help fill the craving gaps. I was feeling positive. But the meeting I went to this afternoon completely threw me. I listened, and also spoke – and I don’t like speaking there, I still feel frightened and stupid – but as I left, the lady who had been helping me a bit in the past walked out without speaking to me. I ran after her and asked her if she could help me, but she rushed off, saying, ‘Go to loads of meetings.’ She is probably right, but I felt small, and as though she is fed up with me, that she thinks I’m a lost cause.
So what did I do? I texted my husband to say that I didn’t fit in at the meeting, and that I wanted to drink only at weekends. He replied – sensibly – saying that I may not feel as ‘bad’ as some of the people I hear there, but that I still shared some of the characteristics and the lack of control. He suggested we discuss it again tonight over a mocktail. And so what did I do then? I drove to the supermarket and bought various alcoholic drinks ‘for the weekend’. And now I’m sitting here, hating myself.
I haven’t drunk any alcohol yet. I want to, and I don’t want to. Can you hear me?