I’m here, Day 4. I nearly drank about 1000 times last night – it was ridiculous. But I kept checking back into the blog, and your comments and the thought of starting again today kept me from the bottle. Thank goodness, although I still feel horrible today and tired, and no pink cloud remotely in sight. I think I’ve really punished my body in recent weeks, and it’s going to take a long time to feel good again.

But something happened this morning: I got a call from someone I’d met in a meeting (not the striding away lady),an actual call, a real voice. So far, I’ve only been able to text people, and even then I worry when they don’t reply. I worry too much about what other people think, I know that. I had texted this particular lady last night, in the midst of my panic, and when she didn’t reply I was anxious about it. And then, this morning, she rang me, and asked me to describe what was happening, and we had a really good, helpful discussion about it all.  She suggested I go to more meetings if possible, and that I make an appointment at this addiction centre where she said you sit in a group with other people and fill in some sort of form.  It sounds quite scary, but I’m going to do it.

One of my issues has been that when I hear other people’s stories, I feel that I’m overreacting about my own.  But talking to this lady today, she made me realise that I am tackling my problem before I hit the dark zone.  It is almost as though, in recent weeks, I have been trying to become a ‘darker’ alcoholic, one who drinks in the morning, or who buys brandy and pours it into her tea, or who hides bottles.  Dabbling in that area is a dangerous process: I don’t need to wait for someone to stop me, I have to be responsible for myself.  Yes, I can get my husband on side, but I can’t expect him to stop me drinking.  I have already seen that he is willing for me to start drinking if I want to, and willing to support me if I stop; in other words, I have to do this, he can’t do it for me.

I am rambling.  Today will be challenging: my son has a birthday party, and a group of 14 year old boys are coming here to make pizzas.  I would normally use this – oddly – as an excuse to crack open the booze and ‘celebrate’, so I need to be extra alert.  Because every morning I am fine, but every afternoon I slide into a self-pity party where I justify all the reasons why I should be able to drink like everybody else.

My friends, I need you, and I am grateful you’re here.  I tap into the blog every half hour or so at the moment. In a recent comment on my blog, FitFatFood described the ‘little lights of hope’ and harnessing my ‘silent support network’.  This image keeps coming back to me.  Thank you for being here, little lights.





35 thoughts on “Hope”

  1. Well done Annie! You absolutely do not want to let yourself get to rock bottom before you quit. The deeper the hole you dig, the more effort it takes to claw your way up to the light. Big hugs xxx

    1. Yes, I’m trying to avoid rock bottom. About a year ago, I remember thinking, ‘I’ll never hit that sort of rock bottom’ whereas now I can glimpse it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Annie x

  2. Hi,

    I follow your story a little but I have been doing the alcohol free thing since October 2014. You can do this, you can decide to do this for you. You can decide you, your life, your piece of mind, your happiness, your health is worth stopping drinking alcohol for. I gave up after many many years and many many many bottles of wine, if I did it then believe me it is a doable thing…..I spent some time doing gestalt therapy with a counsellor. I think any counselling is helpful, AA, whatever, but some thoughtful, pointed questions and answer sessions were useful. I wake up every day happy I don’t drink, went to an awards dinner last night, no issue not drinking, went into the bottle shop to buy my nephew and father some cider, no problem. Once you can understand why you drink and why you don’t want to drink it almost becomes a non issue…..in my experience. Good luck, you are not alone, you are not the first and you won’t be the last person who takes the journey, but for heaven sake stay on the journey, you can do it, you will do it, and it will be worth it. love and best wishes xxx

  3. Happy Day 4, Annie. With today’s fun events – lose yourself in the doing of it… The making pizzas, the being with your son, the talking with his friends. The experience will be so much richer for your son, for you, because you will be present, and not working hard to make it about drinking. Even if my first instinct is to sneak a drink or drinks at any of my life goings-on (and yes, the compulsion still surprises me out of the blue), once I let go or decide drinking is just not an option, then the experience is vastly improved and enjoyable because I am sober and present in ways I have never been before. Have fun today! So glad you’ve made a connection with a woman in the Real World. 4 days is wonderful! -HM.

  4. Day 1 – 7 suck. Right out suck. But, just grit your teeth and get through it. We’re rooting for you. My kid turns 14 next week, so get the 14 year olds invading your house! I don’t know about you, but that much young and unchecked testosterone would drive me batty after few drinks. Sober is the best way to go!!

  5. Hi Annie. I’m so happy you made it to day 4 after your difficult time yesterday! Makes me want to do cartwheels! And I feel so pleased that you are talking to some people, and that’s helping. If today gets tough–and it will, because we know the first 5 days are tough, and there’s no pretending they’re not–break it down into doing one task, one moment at a time. And know you can do it. Hooray you! xo

  6. Annie, your greatest strength is your honesty especially at your most vulnerable times, in the midst of your deep suffering. Don’t let the drink rob you of the joy and life that is set before you… be vigilante today.. impulse control is so important. We stand together with you no matter where we are in our sobriety.
    with hope

  7. Maybe have a look again tomorrow, but for today, just don’t drink. … so easy to say, I know. Is there any possibility you are drinking to mask pain or feelings you don’t like? Don’t mean to interrogate, but is there nothing like that worry about…. Best Wishes Rob…

  8. Just do all the things she recommends
    This is new. Try it. Give it a chance.

    I often felt I was drinking to get caught,so someone else would make me quit.
    No one can do that. It’s a cry for help. And you’re doing that now.

    I’m really surprised that people talk about their drinking pasts in detail at your meetings. Ours really avoid that, because we all did act differently. The detail are different, but the drive was the same.
    Compulsion. Addiction.self destruction.

    Keep at it.

  9. Keep going, Annie! Keep that thought in your mind that you don’t want to have to start over again- because you know you will have to. Continuing on the drinking path is torture. You are on your way to being free. It takes time, be patient and good to yourself. I’m on day 6 today… it’s tough and I feel pretty beat down too but I know it will get better, for me and for you too. xo

  10. Hi Annie, you can do this!!! I have been where you are so many times. If I could take you forward in time to show you how you’d feel after two months sober, you wouldn’t think of drinking again. I go to a AA meeting everyday, it’s working for me, take that lady’s advice. I sooo hope this is your time. Noddy x

  11. Hi Annie, just popped in to say thank-you and well done o Day 4. I have been reading your blog for a while and it has really helped me. By the way you never ramble, and I really relate to a lot of your thoughts. I have been trying for a while to quit (day 46 at the moment, and although it is quite tough at times, I am feeling better) I have had a lot of stop/ starts to get to this point, and when I start drinking again, my drinking is erratic too; bottles are hidden, tipped out. Last time I think I glimpsed into that ‘dark place’ and I know I must stay out of it, as I don’t think I have the strength to return. Sorry, now I’m rambling,and I didn’t want to make this about myself. Mostly I wanted to say thanks for sharing and look after yourself . Miss Meg. Ps one comment (I think it was from Sober Mummy) following one of your blogs a while back resonates with me, and has helped me push through some of the games my mind plays with me, it was ‘you keep the hard part over and over ‘ – this time I’m determined to get to the good part of the story…..

    1. Hello, Miss Meg. It’s so nice to see you here. Day 46 is brilliant – I’d love to get there. Yes, I remember Sober Mummy’s comment about doing the hard stuff over and over again, and I’m really trying to get out of that loop. Annie x

  12. I hope you realize the importance of the conversation on the phone..this is real help so please take it! And because your husband loves you he will support you in whatever you choose to do…but only you dear Annie can choose the best path for you which is not to drink. Take a leap of faith and go to the addictions deal you mentioned! We are all rooting for you here…try and have faith that it will get better but the first couple of weeks are no picnic…go to those meetings and allow others to help you!

  13. Annie you’re doing so well!! Concentrate on enjoying those mornings – for me being sober became so much more about the days, rather than my usual rush to the evenings when the wine happened. Days are wonderful, and the evenings start to hold less and less temptation for wine.
    I’m back on day one. I got to day 16 and a very stressful day, I had wine. I’ve been thinking about it since, and I wasn’t using any supports. No replacement drink, hardly any blogging, no treats no audios, no nothing. I’m changing that now. It’s an excellent plan to go to those meetings, and so great that the lady called you; more support, another group to try. Take care xxx

    1. Day 16 was great and I’m sure you’ll get there again – and beyond. I know what it’s like. The replacement drink, blogging, treats, audios, The Bubble Hour, meetings…I’m trying everything. Annie x

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