Weak

I am ashamed to say that I drank last night. I feel disappointed and useless. The trigger was silly really: we were looking through some holiday photos, and I remember thinking that I looked well and happy, that I’d been drinking then, so what was wrong with drinking now? So stupid of me. And I went completely mad.  Even when my husband said that one glass gave him a headache these days, I forged on, drinking the rest of his and looking for more.

I woke up this morning, heavy with guilt and fed up with myself. But I am not going to stop trying.

I am about to ring the addiction centre, I am starting again today, I am trying to learn from what happened last night, and to build on what I gained last week.

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14 thoughts on “Weak”

  1. Don’t give up, keep going, you don’t know if this next time will be the one where you find some peace in sobriety…and please don’t worry about comparing yourself… There are raging alcoholics who are wealthy and have never been arrested. There are weekend drinkers whose lives fall apart…the details of life don’t determine how “bad” you are. If you can’t stop drinking, you have a serious, life-threatening addiction that needs all that you have to overcome it. Sending love and hope your way.
    Jenn

    1. I second this- I know what it’s like to get stuck in the hard bits and it’s rubbish! Please give yourself the chance to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow x

  2. Hi Annie. Not useless! This is tough, and you’re keeping on trying. Seems you me you are brave and remarkable. You’re caught in addiction, yes, and I was, and as most here have been, and it’s such an awful, confusing place to be. The way you fall into drinking seems like exactly the way I used to–I would make a “decision” that the whole sober thing was stupid and I was fine, and I would frantically drink. Eventually I recognized that those thoughts were big big “triggers” and when I saw them coming, I needed to find a way to get past them. I ended up going to a therapist and doing some mindfulness training to learn this (which I scoffed at, but which was the most useful tool I found). It wasn’t the whole solution–I needed other people’s help, too. But learning how to recognize these moments, which you identify so well, and to slow down in them, not acting on them but feeling the pain of being drawn in two directions at once, I see that as the beginning of what finally helped me. This may not be helpful to you, but your post reminded me vividly of how I used to feel and act, and I offer my experience in case it’s useful to you. Keep at it, you’re getting there. Good luck making that call and joining the group! Sending you a big hug, and a giant bucket of hope! xo

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