Day 4. I went to the craziest meeting yesterday, the one where twice before I’ve sat outside in my car and then driven away. This time I went in. It was jam packed, the biggest meeting I’ve been to so far, much louder and more boisterous somehow. I said hello to the lady doing coffee who welcomed me, and then sat amongst the crowd. I became aware of a man muttering and interrupting, and my first thought was that he was ill in some way; well, he was, sort of – he was completely drunk, I think the drunkest person I have ever seen in my life. I won’t tell you what happened – the anonymity there is so important – but it was the equivalent of someone giving me a massive shake and shouting in my face NEVER DRINK AGAIN. I haven’t been able to get the image of this broken person out of my mind.
After the meeting, I emailed a sober friend and found my hands were shaking.
That evening, my sweet husband asked me what I’d done ‘towards my sobriety today’ – like it was a sort of job, which I suppose it is, and that’s how I’m treating it partly. And he and I agreed that I am learning so much about my drinking, and how I can get well; he said he was learning too, learning about what I’d been doing, what I’d been hiding all these months, and learning how he can help me.
Please don’t worry if I don’t write every day. I need to keep things as simple as possible, otherwise I risk getting overwhelmed. Even yesterday afternoon, after the meeting, I felt as though I couldn’t cope with getting sober, that it was all too hard, etc. when really I needed to sit with the uncomfortable stuff that I’d witnessed, not use it as an excuse to say, ‘I’m different, I’m not like that.’
I will let you know how I’m getting on, and I will try to reply to your kind comments when I can – I so appreciate them. I am concentrating on getting well, and I really feel that I am making progress. If you don’t hear from me for a day or two, or even longer, don’t panic.