I think that one of my main problems is that I can’t accept I need to stop drinking. I know this sounds mad; but despite all the evidence around me: drinking more than I intend, unable to give up drinking for more than a few days, throwing alcohol away only to buy more, and a whole lot of other stuff that I’ve suddenly become too depressed to list – despite all this, I still believe that I can control this. And until I accept that I can’t – really accept – it is never going to work.
I managed nearly a week this time, even white-knuckling it through Friday and Saturday. On Sunday evening I felt sorry for myself, and as soon as the defences came down, I picked up a drink.
And today? Today I was supposed to go to the addiction centre, and I didn’t go. I want to write this here – the temptation to shut down the blog was strong – because I need to tell on myself, to confess that I am floundering.
I know that I keep going over and over these early days of sobriety, without gaining any of the benefits which would come from distancing myself from alcohol for more than a few days. But this bloody voice keeps telling me that I am ok, and that I should be using the hours I spend in meetings doing something ‘more useful’.
I know what to do, and I don’t do it. Why, why, why?
I will go back to the meeting on Wednesday, as I heard a lot of truth there last week.
A Dappled Path 
You know you have support. I’m sorry you are struggling.
I don’t know you personally, but from reading what you write it’s clear alcohol is negatively impacting your life. Your health. And it’s getting worse.
That you are trapped in compulsive behaviour that you want to stop, but can’t.
These are real and serious things. Please consider calling the addiction centre back and going.
Take help while you are still able to ask for it. Before you lose any more.
Hugs
Anne
Hi Annie, I can relate completely to the toxic merry go round of drinking, stopping, not being able to accept and drinking again. Would it help to have a ‘no alcohol at home’ rule? Try to go to the addiction centre as much as you can in these early days. You have support – use it to make it work for you.
I feel for you. I have been where you are many many times. When your in that cycle there seems no way out, but there is. You learn from every slip and if you really want it deep down, one day it will happen. It took me nearly 10 years. What’s working this time for me is I tried a new approach. Blogging and AA meetings every day. Keep trying different ways. God bless x
Hi Annie. It must have been difficult for you to decide to share with us. I am reminded that alcohol addiction is PROGRESSIVE. There’s a fine line one crosses from psychological to physical addiction with continued drinking. You don’t have to bear all the burdens of this dreadful addiction on your own. A professional intervention is something you may seriously want to consider. There is no better day or circumstances than today.
with hope
Sounds like going to the sobriety center is a good idea. You can get that immediate response ,face to face, to the questions you are asking.There is someone there, I bet, who can help you deal with the cognitive dissonance, who can help deconstruct all that mental stuff. Your dilemma is familiar to me, and to many. Reach out to the sobriety center, go, and you will find some answers.
Hi Annie. Sorry you’re struggling. I think you’re right to say that acceptance is the hardest part of this, and without it, one goes back to drinking. It might sound strange, but it took me a long time after stopping drinking (the first time!) to accept that this was something like addiction. It’s the reason I went back to drinking twice after long periods without. Sometimes I still waffle and then I agree to wait it out for a say or a week at a time. It’s hard to know what to do. Just sending my commiseration–we have all been where you are–and a big hug. xo
Hi Annie, I am with you right now. I am not sober right now! I have decided that I am not strong enough to do Christmas “white knuckling it” but to realise I have lost the ability to drink ANYTHING AT ALL!! I want to stop and need to stop but as yet have not been able to stop – you are soooo not alone. I don’t want to be the negative voice and I don’t want to make you drink all the way to New Year but for me I need to be away from work and be able to be away from stress to do this, even if just for a few days. I quit once before and made it to nearly six months (10 days short grrrrr) but the wine bitch/Wolfie bit me hard and I ran to the store for wine wine wine. I am Annie too and read your blog in the hope that you are ahead of me but I would love to be alongside you and share strength and weakness to help us battle these thoughts/compulsions/desires. The fact that we KNOW we are out of control and in need of permanent abstinence is a starting block but we have to pass through the first gate of hell to be able to make it to the breathing space. Time and distance help to give clarity and I would like to be your sober buddy- even though I am not there myself yet, in getting to the first hurdle. I plan to start my own blog soon but I am having a mental fear of exposing myself to the world where I once had the answer.
Annie, you took a huge step today just writing what you did, rather than turning off your blog and disappearing. I’m so sorry you’re on this roller coaster. I had a bad feeling when you said they were making you wait until Monday for the assessment. Too long. It seems you just need to find the right approach, the one that works for you. Can you make a list of all the possibilities and pick one you haven’t tried yet? For example, have you considered seeing a physician? There are medications that can keep a person from wanting alcohol or feeling the effects of it after they’ve drunk it. Wouldn’t that be great?! -kari
Annie, I totally get what you are talking about and am on day one myself. It’s been enough in terms of years of stopping and starting. I need to do this alongside someone like yourself. We need each other. I think after ten years of being aware and trying, this one should be it … no more banging our head on the wall repeatedly.
OK, I am done. And you?
Annie, it wasn’t until I accepted that alcohol should not be in my life at all, that I was successfully able to quit. I couldn’t control it AT ALL. I tried all manner of things…bargaining with myself ” Its OK if I can manage to not drink for more days in the month than the days I DO drink”….crazy reasoning. I don’t know if you are at the stage of blackouts yet – for the last four months before I quit, I couldn’t remember getting to bed…EVER. It was scary. And the damage you are doing will get worse. You must reach out for help. You must go to meetings. You must go back to the Addiction Centre. And you must accept that Alcohol cannot be part of your life. When you let go of it, I PROMISE you, that all this stress, all this hurt will go. Lots and lots of hugs xxx
Booze is an elevator that only goes down.
I will re-suggest that you re-visit the idea of doing something different.
what you’re doing now isn’t working and you want to step off the tracks.
I’ll re-suggest again the idea of a small dose of an anti-anxiety
medication (or something like that, obviously your doctor is the one
to decide) that you can take (at least) for the first few weeks to get you going.
it’s time to try different now.
hugs from me
Hi Annie, I’m glad you didn’t shut down your blog. You are reaching out and that is good. It is hard to accept that you have a problem with alcohol. I struggle with the concept of forever, but it’s something I’m working on. I’m trying something different this time and really concentrating on not drinking today. In the past I think ahead too much, and it derails me every time. I hope you work out your something different that works. Hopefully the addiction centre will be able to help you. I am thinking of you. A x