I was organising a party last night, and had made sure there were plenty of non-alcoholic drinks available; but as soon as I arrived, I picked up a glass of prosecco and from that moment on I drank like a mad woman. Today, I feel completely horrible: ill and sad.
I took a train to a meeting and am on the way back from it now. I didn’t drive because I was worried I’d turn back or find a feeble excuse not to go, such as difficulty parking. The meeting was helpful, someone talking about romancing the drink. I am guilty of that. The idea of the one or two drinks by the fire scenario keeps holding me back. But the last couple of weeks have been dreadful: I have drunk every day, I have lied, and I am full of fear.
A Dappled Path 
Why are you organizing parties? Don’t do that! Don’t go to parties. You aren’t serious if you are putting yourself in situations that trigger drinking. Don’t give yourself excuses to drink!
We all get this madness….we also know if you want it to stop then you have to get off the alcohol train…while it’s really not my place to tell you how to do it…it is time to do things differently…for yourself first and your family…thinking of you..
Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’ve been there a million times. It doesn’t do any good and will lead to thoughts to drink more. Today is a new day so try to focus on that. As someone once told me, if you wake up sober and go to bed sober, its a good day.
It is utter madness.
And so scary. Big hug Annie
Go back to the addictions centre and look into inpatient treatment.
You need a break. These other things are not enough.
Love
Anne
Big hug to you, Annie. It is scary stuff, this booze thing. I’m glad you’re back online and talking about this. Try to go easy on yourself today, OK? It takes many of us many tries to make this work, and you’re so brave to be as public as you are about it all. xo
It’s so hard. I really get it. I it gets harder towards the realisation that you are going to ultimately have to part with the dysfunctional relationship that is booze and it desperately tries to keep you ‘on side’. This time of year is of course hell. But reading your blog over the months there’s always something, like a holiday, to get over and then you can stop… I’m not judging, I’m struggling myself and you are the one thing that keeps me sane with your blog (please don’t stop blogging). You seem to be doing the right things Annie. You are going to meetings which is more than I am. I really feel for you and am so grateful for your honest posts. I wake every morning at exactly 4.20 with a fear of dread and a sense of ‘what’s the point’ and ‘what the f**K’. It’s exhausting I know. Love, love, love and hope xxx
Those middle of the night regrets are horrible.
There is no point.
I know it seems like giving up your security, but I swear being sober is like a breath of fresh air. Like coming back to life when you didn’t even realize you were suffocating.
It’s worth all the effort.