Nosedive

Every post I write at the moment seems to chart my lack of progress, but  I still want to keep writing. And despite Christmas being less than a week away, and booze seeming to hang in the air round every corner, I want and need to stop drinking.

To the Universe: please help me master this, please give me the strength to get well, and to walk quietly through these early days so that I can have a peaceful, clear Christmas with my family. Please help me to put down the glass, and to know that things will get better, to help me get out of this cycle.

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16 thoughts on “Nosedive”

  1. A while back on the Bubble Hour the hosts were discussing how refusing a drink, or putting down the glass, as you say, is really the very last line of defence. For most of us, in the early days, willpower and a strong desire not to drink is not enough. To go to an event, despite having decided not to drink and armed with AF alternatives and well thought out excuses is still very risky. It is so much better to avoid these situations in the first place, invent reasons not to go. You may feel you are boring, antisocial, and disappointing others, but in the greater scheme of things it’s not for very long at all, just until you are feeling stronger. My husband had to go to social gatherings on his own for a while; now I can happily join him. Short term pain for long term gain.
    Trish xx
    PS I am saying a prayer for you too

    1. Totally agree with this. In the early days of sobriety, putting yourself in situations where there is a glass in front of you and then beating yourself up when you drink is just self-torture. There is no recovery in that kind of self-flagellation. It’s like putting a bowl of candy in front of a 3-year-old, telling them not to eat it, and punishing them when they do. As someone else said in these comments, during the holidays it’s probably not terribly realistic to avoid all situations where alcohol is present, and you can do the math on what that will mean. Yes, you’ll probably drink if it’s in front of you, just like that child will go into that candy bowl. Not to say that drinking is ok. You know it’s not good for you. But beating yourself up isn’t helpful and will probably just lead you to drink even more than you would. If it helps at all, think of those glasses of alcohol as poison. In fact, that’s what they are. There’s nothing good in that glass for anyone, but especially you and me. I struggle too at this time of year, when stress and expectations abound and alcohol is everywhere. You wouldn’t give that 3 year old a glass of poison, right? Don’t do to yourself what you wouldn’t do to that child. I don’t know if that helps, but I know early on, that helped me when I unavoidably around booze.

  2. Your post made me cry. I wish I could show you somehow what sobriety has brought me so I could share it with you. Somehow I guess you have to go on faith that early sobriety is worth suffering through and decide to put healing from this addiction above all else.
    Wishing you some peace and rest.
    Jenn

  3. I am back on day 1 again myself. I feel like what you wrote, I just can’t keep doing this. Let’s do this together. I am pulling for you, and me. This is just so stupid, what we do, over and over. Just don’t drink – so easy, yet so hard. I don’t want or need alcohol in my life anymore so I am just going to move on. Join me?

  4. Annie, I have been where you are SO many times. My heart goes out to you (and me and everyone else going through this struggle). We are stronger together. I am pulling for you, cheering for your and applauding your effort . You (we) can do this. WE. CAN.

  5. “No one in the world can make us drink, only we can do that.”
    I’m not sure who said this, I think it was Jean Kirkpatrick the founder of Women for Sobriety, but the message is that you already have the power within you to not drink, all you have to do is use it. You can do that starting right now and “you” can give yourself everything you are asking for. You don’t need the Universe.

    1. Kary May is right. The power is within. I know I am my own undoing. At least I finally admitted it. As long as you are trying, there is hope. I believe in it. And I keep on trying.

  6. Annie, it is not the Universe you need to seek help from. Please as you said yourself, you are ‘not well’. Would you please re consider inpatient rehab????????
    sobriety is an amazing lifestyle gift and i wish it for you more than you can know!
    Lisa

  7. It is a difficult time of year and pretty unrealistic, if not impossible, to avoid situations where alcohol is present. Take it five seconds at a time. Sneak off to the bathroom to cry or update here. Start the new year without a hangover. I absolutely believe that one day this will click for you. It might not be today, but I think your current struggle is you getting really, really close to the point of having had enough.

  8. Of course you know all of this, you’re living it. Maybe you’ll stop, maybe not. Maybe the fallout hasn’t gotten bad enough yet, maybe the romance of drinking is more than you can resist, maybe you want to believe the lies, maybe you think something or someone will come along and save you from the thing that scares you. Folks quit drink and drugs for lots of reasons. You will or you won’t. It’s your choice. Just like anyone. There’s this thing that still bugs me about drinking. It’s not what it could do to me again, not that, I don’t give it that kind of credit anymore. What bugs me is that drink and drugs throw a blanet over people I need. People in my life or that could be in my life. One thing I’ve begun to learn by not drinking is that I need people. People who have their lives together, people I can learn from, people who help, comfort, teach. I want to be closer to those people. I wonder what you would be like if booze did not have you running back and forth all the time. I wonder what it would be like to click on your blog and read something that helped carry me along my day. I wonder if that help would rub off on the people around me. Because I want to be there for them. I want to be a man they can trust, turn to, depend on. I could use your help. I guess we’ll see how things play out for both of us. I’m not going to wait for you though, I can’t, I’ve already burned through too many years of waste. But I’ll be right there a couple of steps ahead of you on the sober dappled path, hoping, knowing you can do it when you choose to do it. Merry Christmas.

  9. If wishing worked I would have been sober long ago…
    The first while takes conscious decisions and hard choices. I know you know this. You have has a sober stretch in there.

    Protect yourself. Keep looking for help.

    You can make this happen. Only you.

    Anne

  10. Annie, Let go. Truly. Of Drink altogether. You know where it leads, so play it out. You’ve started the work, keep moving forward. Ms. Jones is right – even 5 seconds at a time is awesome if that’s what it takes. Protect yourself, your sobriety. Put yourself first. You deserve all of the love you have to give. Truly.

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