It’s blowing a gale here in England. It feels stormy, not really Christmassy. And I need a plan. I’ve been drifting for weeks now, half-trying not to drink, always a get-out plan round the corner. It’s been hopeless.
But a strong sense of conviction lies deep inside me, the knowledge that I will be so much happier if I nail this. I saw that The Sober Garden was counting from Day One again a few days ago – I read her blog regularly – and I want to try to do that too. It may seem crazy just before Christmas, but I would rather obsess about how to stay sober, than drink mindlessly and miss my family’s joy.
It will not be easy, because I am not honest. My parents – who are coming to stay – have already talked about bringing a magnum of claret. They will expect champagne. But I worry that if I tell them what I am trying to do, it will take the edge off their enjoyment of Christmas, and my mum will worry about me. I lay awake last night wondering if I could ‘fake it til you make it’ which I think (but I’m not sure) means that you pour a glass of wine, but don’t sip it, or pour a glass of alcohol-free fizz and make it look as though it’s real champagne.
I know. It doesn’t sound a very good plan, does it.
I won’t worry about that yet. First, I need to get through today. I’ve been like a mad thing the past few weeks, endlessly closing my blog, then reopening it, a bit like closing your eyes so as not to see something scary right in front of you.
I went to see the new Star Wars film at the weekend. I won’t give any of it away, but if you’re 45 (or thereabouts) like me, and saw the original 1977 film when you were 7-ish, then you may feel many waves of nostalgia when you see the new film. I felt pulled back to my childhood, and spent the evening crying ridiculously, worrying my youngest daughter, and prompting my wise son to comment that wine + nostalgia = ridiculous and unnecessary weeping.
In the meantime, I am drawing great comfort from other bloggers on this journey. Primrose over at takinganewpath (as well as sorting out my drinking, I need a crash computer course, as I still can’t do links) is doing a daily alcohol-free drinks thing which I am loving, and which I find really helpful.
So, I’m going to stop switching off my blog, and I’ll write what’s happening to me here, the good and the bad. I’m heading out into that gale.