Abandoned hope

It’s nearly the end of Christmas Day here, and I didn’t stay sober.

I am disappointed, and sad. I feel as though I can’t do this. So many of the bloggers I read manage to stay sober, and I want to be like them.

I didn’t do enough to protect my fragile few days of sobriety. I didn’t tell my family what I was doing, and when I got a text this morning from someone I’d met in a meeting – a good, sober sign – I pushed it to one side. And I didn’t enjoy one sip of what I drank.

I am not sure what to do next. I feel ridiculous and pathetic.

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Abandoned hope”

  1. It’s not about “managing to stay sober.” It’s choosing to be present, again and again. It’s not seeing that choice as a punishment, but as a freeing, joyful, miraculous opportunity to own your happiness. It is a gift that you give yourself, over and over again.

    Wishing you peace and the recognition that you are in control of your New Year.

    Wendy

  2. Annie, what to do next is consider some external help, perhaps in patient rehab….it is perhaps too hard for you to do alone!
    With love
    Lisa

    1. Annie, don’t ever lose hope. please consider professional help. Help them help you. Take that first step. Don’t try to figure everything out now…every possible scenario, all the pros and cons…don’t talk yourself out of it… just take that first step and it will lead to the next… step by step. We like to believe that we have an endless amount of tomorrows… but the reality is that we live in a world where there’s a finite amount of tomorrows. There’s no better day than today to take that first step toward freedom from the bondage of addiction.
      all the best

  3. I believe in you and I believe you can do this. Today would have been so hard for anyone to tackle so new into sobriety especially when no-one knew what you were doing. Please be kind to yourself tomorrow, today was the “giant” everyone fears even those with plenty of time under their belt. Tomorrow is Boxing Day and metaphorically we can box up the last few months and make a plan. Whether it be 1. Wait one hour from the moment you want to drink, even if that invokes the “mean hour” of teeth gnashing, hand wringing and hatred for everything and everyone on the planet. See if waiting one hour can give you distance. 2. Phone a sober person, reach out to someone or if there is no-one to call then set yourself a word count to blog and write it all out until you hit the word count. 3. Remove yourself, go sit quietly and see if you can silence the chatter and get still – nothing else other than get still and calm. Breathing and saying some mantra “I am safe, all is well, everything will be ok”
    We can do this, we have the power and we will win this fight we just have to keep getting up and holding on. I still believe in you.

  4. “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” Dr Suess. Your story is yours alone, and it won’t be like anyone else. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. What are your goals? How are you going to accomplish your goals? Very few people find true success without experiencing true failure. Tomorrow is a brand new day with brand new possibilities. Don’t beat your self up. If what you are doing to succeed is currently not working, then go back to the drawing board and find a new plan. You can do this.

  5. Hi Annie. I feel for you, I tried hundreds of times to stop drinking, then was upset and down when I relapsed. I’ve tried medication, counseling, solemn vows to ex wives, self help books, AA three times.
    Every time I had some decent sober time was after I tried something new.
    This time if given AA a serious go and keep this blog.
    I can suggest 3 things to try:
    1) are you in or can you get to the UK? Allen Carr runs a stop drinking clinic. It’s just a 1 day course.
    2) give AA everything you got. Go to a meeting everyday, get a sponsor and do everything she suggests.
    3) residential rehab. It sounds scary, but investing 1 month of your life here is worth it, if the rest of your life is lived in peace and happiness.
    Most important, keep trying x

  6. I was just reading back on my diary from Christmas Day last year, after a long year of many day ones. I sounded so utterly hopeless and lost. I sounded like that for lots of this year, too. My latest attempt seems to be sticking a lot better, but the past fortnight has been hard work. Lots of checking in with sober buddies and Hello Sunday Morning and my fellow bloggers. A big fat lie to family members about why I can’t drink. And sometimes I just need to sit in a quiet corner and remind myself of every shitty thing I have ever done while drunk – which is unpleasant but effective. If the choice has been drinking or sitting on the bathroom floor and crying, I have sat on the floor and cried. I guess I have previously underestimated how much energy this would take. It has all been worth it. To be on Boxing Day, 14 days clear of my last drink, is absolutely fantastic. I feel good. Cravings are seriously diminished. You can do this, too.

  7. You are not ridiculous and pathetic. You are only human, and yesterday proved too big a test in those fragile first days. Today will not be so difficult, so don’t throw in the towel. You have a ready made excuse today (too much eating and drinking yesterday) so use that if you feel you need to.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s