New life

I stayed up very late last night. Everybody was in bed, and I stood in the dark outside the back door, my last glass of wine in my hand, hardly able to drink it. I watched the pale shape of our dog roaming in the blackness, sniffing in the garden, and I knew that my drinking time was up.

My husband, who has been unwell for a couple of weeks now, came downstairs this morning, to find I had finished the wine by myself. ‘That drinking alone thing,’ he said, ‘that’s what is different. That’s why you need to give up.’

I hope the darkness will now lift. I’m nearing the end of my new day one; and leaving behind all the other day ones.

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12 thoughts on “New life”

  1. Your husband is right Annie, the drinking alone thing is the difference. I know because I would much rather drink alone than with people. For me it is about separating myself from my problems as well as from other people. I am on day 2 and feeling really wobbly but I am gritting it out despite the urge to go buy both vodka AND wine. Be strong Annie there is no better moment to stop than now. Tomorrow,tomorrow,tomorrow, it never comes! Also thanks for being the first commenter on my Ginger Groundhog blog, I should probably change my login so it matches. Cheering you on from this day forward.

  2. Hi Annie that’s great news. I will try and comment on your blog everyday to encourage you ( I have done nearly a year and a half now AF). The thing is, it’s great to make a decision like you did last night and it’s great to feel at the end of your tether, because life will now only ever get better. When you have days when you fancy a drink, just remain happy and safe in the knowledge that, tomorrow, you will be so fabulously glad that you didn’t have one. I never told anyone I was stopping forever. I kept it as my little secret. My view was that I had looked over the edge of the precipice, seen how awful it looked, and decided to give up before I got to that point. Also, I knew that if ever I was told I HAD to give up, I never would because of my rebellious and fiercely independent streak. For me though, voluntarily giving up was far more easily done. Yes there may be a handful of days each year when you feel like getting plastered (and I am paraphrasing SM here), it just isn’t worth it as it ruins all the other 360 days of the year. Welcome to a new life – full of calm, full of ever improving relationships with your kids and your husband. Xxx

  3. Hi Annie
    I am so glad that you’re still blogging. You’re much braver than me. I closed mine down when I failed dismally after three good attempts over the year. The last few weeks have been worse than ever and yet again I’m planning dry January.
    I hope that we can support each other again and carry on blogging even when you feel like a failure. You will get there in the end. I hope we both will.
    Love
    Sarah (somuchtogainfromthis)

  4. Shall we celebrate the new day with love of ourselves, I think we should. As hard as the day is, as long as it is, hang on to the fact that you will love yourself at the end of it. I have found that my re-discovered self-love is the greatest gift I’ve ever received, but I also know it was there all along, just waiting for me. Yours is there, too, or else you wouldn’t still be here with us, blogging and trying and not giving up. As much as you thought you hated yourself at times, you never gave up on yourself. That is how strong your love is.

    1. This is my biggest thing right now – let’s learn to love ourselves even as we are. I am beginning to see that the self loathing that comes in the morning is so far worse than the drinking. I think THAT is the key to quitting – self love, self grace, self forgiveness. The shame and the bashing and the loathing must stop.

  5. Thinking of you Annie and praying this is “your bottom”. If it is then you will surrender and really want to stop drinking..not because you “should” but because you will realize you cannot drink at all. This my friend is the greatest freedom you will ever know….no more time wasted thinking about drinking vs not drinking etc…I am praying for you that this is it!

  6. Honestly I think day one declarations should come sober. In other words the real day one – the one after a night of over doing it. The one where you wake up feeling like dog shit – that’s not a day to be declaring anything but “I’m taking two aspirin and going to bed.” Listen. I’m speaking from a place of experience. It’s so damn easy to declare sobriety after a night of one glass too many. I’m just saying. I’m not at day one yet. Drank a half a bottle of Cabernet tonight. I’m not going to shame myself anymore. I’m a fucking adult who makes my own decisions. Why do you want to be sober Annie? What made you start drinking to begin with? Feeling like shit isn’t going to lead someone to do something life changing. Getting to the root of the problem will. Have you sought counseling?

  7. Dear Annie, I’m thinking of you too my dear. Pamela’s comment”…no more time wasted thinking about drinking vs not drinking…” really hit home for me. To be free from that constant battle/internal dialogue about how much, how often, blah blah blah. To be finally done with it. Keep hold of that desire to be free of it Annie! I’m on Day 12, so right here with you and sending so much love.

  8. I am proud of myself for living alcohol free this year. I’ve broken so many other self-promises and it feels fantastic to have accomplished this so far…Annie I am proud of you for continuing to try…some of us need to try enough times to really convince ourselves that drinking doesn’t get better and that it will keep getting worse…. There is no one, right, magic way that will keep you from drinking. The only things you have to do are to 1.) Not drink and 2.)Do what it takes to not drink and live that way. I think there are many common threads in successful sobriety…like fellowship/talking to other recovering people(very very important), increasing honesty, self-care (hugely important), develop ways to cope with cravings , temptations and the ridiculous thoughts that can come to a person in early recovery…Annie I am praying for you to find d some peace and acceptance (this is hard I know) and that you know your own inner worth, strength and beauty so that you see that you deserve a sober life..you deserve to be free of the prison on alcohol. Do whatever it takes today….then do it again tomorrow. Read, write, blog, meetings, counselor, rehab, skip parties, yoga…whatever it takes for Annie to break free.
    Sorry for the long reply.
    Jenn

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