I am pleased to have got to Day 5. The days 1,2 and -sometimes – 3 were going round and round and I had been unable (or unwilling) to pull myself out of them. Doing Dry January with my husband has certainly helped me to kickstart a bit of a sober stretch. I’m still sleeping really badly, but the first thought I had when I woke up this morning was: I’m so glad I’m not drinking. The kids go back to school this week, and I start my new job on Friday, and feeling hungover and groggy would not be helping.
I’ve been worrying about the last sentence I wrote in yesterday’s post, about surrendering. Because what has really held me back from getting sober – and I don’t just mean doing Dry January, I mean stopping drinking for good – is that I haven’t surrendered. When I’ve been to meetings, people’s rock bottom stories can mean that I feel different from them, not so bad, and then I think, ‘I’ve got this, I just need to have some time off drinking and break the habit.’ But after years of trying to sort this out, I have realised that I don’t need to have a rock bottom story in order to stop, I just need to stop.
So, might I not ever surrender? And if I don’t surrender, will it never work?
In the meantime, I’m about to have breakfast on Day 5, and I’m feeling good about that. But I know that there is still a lot of work for me to do.