One week in

I can’t remember the last time I made a whole week sober. The last couple of days have been tough. So many times, I have felt like drinking a whole bottle of wine, and my poor husband has had to endure hours of my moaning, and my attempts to get round Dry January. The shift in his thinking is part of the deal-breaker; previously, he would have gone with my suggestions. If I’d suggested we drink, he’d have agreed. This time, he has stuck to the plan, and last night when I was begging yet again for us to give up Dry Jan, he said that I could, but that he was going to continue, and the thought of him carefully drinking ginger ale while I poured yet more wine down my throat seemed appalling, and helped keep me on track. I think he has finally seen how incapable I am at drinking moderately, and he wants to help me do something about it.

There’s a blot on the horizon, though. In a few weeks, just before the end of January, he and I are going to Switzerland for a long weekend. I have never achieved this trip without drinking, and we are already discussing it. I am going to have to plan it really carefully…hot chocolates instead of ‘special’ coffees, sparkling water instead of wine…Mummywasasecretdrinker has recently been in the mountains, and she managed – and loved it – but she has many months of sobriety behind her. I won’t worry about this trip yet.

Today is my day off – I know, so soon into the job! I’ve been cagey about what I’m doing on this blog, and I’m not sure why, so I wanted to tell you that I’m an English teacher. Tomorrow is my very first lesson (yesterday were staff meetings), after many years out of the classroom. I am so nervous, I couldn’t sleep at all last night, and feel horrible and tired today. I’m at my orchestra rehearsal this evening, so that will take my mind off it, but I have visions of walking into the classroom tomorrow, feeling old and behind the times, and 20 kids looking at me in horror. It’s obviously not ideal to be embarking on the new job at the same time as trying to deal with sobriety, but I was only asked to do the job a few weeks ago, filling in for someone who is ill. And perhaps there’s never a good time to do these things.

I also wanted to mention that I think I may be isolating myself a bit. A couple of friends asked to see me today, and I said no, I wanted to be on my own.  I’m not sure why I said this; I guess I didn’t want to go over my fears about my job, or tell them about trying to get sober.  But I know that being inside my own head can be a dangerous place, so it’s something I need to watch.

I will do my best, though I feel a bit of a wreck. But at least I am now on Day 7.