Lethargy

I am sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I was exhausted, and didn’t have any time or energy, but then in the night I worried that people might be worried about me, hence my brief post earlier today.

My first lesson went well – at least, I think so, though it is hard to tell, of course. But by the evening, I felt completely shattered. I had huge cravings, and was on the cusp of drinking about 1000 times. Those Friday nights are still a major challenge. At one point, I looked at my blog and read a comment from someone who wrote that weekends were tough, and she hoped we could muddle through together, and her words – and the other comments which I read and reread – gave me strength, and helped me to get through. I am often amazed by the power of the blogging world.

Day 9, and I am a bit disappointed that I don’t feel more upbeat; rather, I feel sluggish and very tired. And I am still spending so much time thinking about how not to drink. This evening, I will try and look after myself more – I actually hate writing that, which perhaps explains why I am so shattered, because I am not caring for myself. I hated writing that as well!

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14 thoughts on “Lethargy”

  1. Day 9 is fantastic, yet I hear a little self-flagellation in your post. Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. You’re tired, give yourself permission to feel that way and to take a long nap, because what you’re doing is hard, and your body needs the rest. Give yourself permission to feel scared and unsure. Don’t listen to Wolfie telling you that you “should be feeling better” or that you need to push through your exhaustion. Give yourself permission. I’m rooting for you!

  2. Annie, I’m so glad you made it through the evening. I was worried about you yesterday, not because you didn’t post and you owe me anything, but just because it was your first day teaching and I wondered how you’d feel after that. I think it’s so surprise you’re tired. I was shattered when I quit, and I really did have to sleep a lot. It took some time for my energy to come back. Yours will, too, just give it time. I hope you are proud of yourself for making it through the Friday! Congrats! And I’m not at all surprised the lesson went well. I hope you have a lovely restful weekend. Take care of yourself xo

  3. I agree with Sober Geek…you feel how you feel. This healing takes time. Take care of yourself. Drink enough water. Sleep more, Feed yourself something you enjoy. When we drink, we are used to instantly controlling how we feel by taking in some wine, then numbing. Now you might have a little less control. It’s okay. And it takes time to begin to heal, stabilize then start to understand and grow from there. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend or a child recovering from an illness…kindness, understanding, care, rest when you can.
    Proud of you.
    Jenn

  4. The stress of teaching – of being responsible for the learning and behavior of so many young people – can definitely be a trigger to drink. I know this from personal experience, as a former middle school teacher of 6+ years. I also know that having caring colleagues you can turn to, and a supportive admin, goes a long way toward mitigating that stress and those drinking desires.

    Remember that the only person in the classroom you can control is YOU. Some kids will try to do everything they can to get out of learning, including pushing your buttons, challenging your authority, and generally making your day shitty. Deal with it dispassionately and remember that none of that behavior is about YOU. It’s about THEM, and the baggage they’re bringing to your room.

    Be your very best self every day, and remember, “The kids won’t care about how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

    May I recommend a great book that saved my sanity as a teacher? It’s called “Teaching With Love and Logic”, and while it seems a bit expensive on Amazon UK, based on my limited knowledge of exchange rates, it’s nonetheless worth every penny.

  5. Happy 9 days Annie – am still here too. My hat is off to you for getting through your tough week!! Keep going. Some excellent points above re: looking after yourself as much as is possible! Red xx

  6. That’s awesome news. Also, more good news, all traces of alcohol in your system will be gone, you’re body will start to feel better and better. Drink LOTS of water. This tiredness is normal – and remember you’ve just rejoined the work force! Of course you’re tired – but isn’t it so much better than hungover? Big Hugs to you xxx

  7. Good for you! Nine days! Another sober Friday (and Saturday, I hope)! first day/week/class! That’s a lot, so I agree with all everyone said above — give yourself permission to be exhausted. It would be weird if you weren’t.

    Also, as you and I have discussed (or I have lectured and you have politely listened), it takes a while (different for everybody, but usually months not days, and I have even heard years) before the positive physical improvements outweigh the negative withdrawal symptoms. Some of that is just fact — you (and me and most alcoholics) abused our bodies and poor livers for a long time, with great consistency. We’re not going to bounce back right away. You are, as others have said, healing, just like healing from any other sickness or injury — and healing takes time and is tiring. Some also is spiritual — you have relied on alcohol to do everything for a long time: put you to sleep, relax you, make you social, loosen your anxieties. You are having to find other ways to do that — healthy ways. If you are scared or anxious or unhappy about something — anything — the answer is no longer as easy as pulling out the cork. Of course, that was never an answer in the first place, more of a delaying tactic. But it is tiring and hard, especially right at first, to feel all those things that make us human. Hard but ultimately rewarding.

    And because you are panicked that it is always going to be this hard, that you are always going to have the cravings, that you will always be tired (not true, by the way, but if you are like me, you always extrapolate your current misery out forever), you might be missing the benefits of sobriety that are already cropping up: You’re not hungover for school; you are not disgusted with yourself for drinking too much; your husband is proud of you; your kids are proud of you; I’m proud of you as are so many people in the blogosphere.

    Nine days is a lot and an accomplishment, especially given how much you have struggled in the past. But it is also just the very beginning of your incredible sober journey. Give it some time. It will get easier.

  8. You will need to spend time thinking about how to stay sober for a long time. I still put thought into how to best set myself up for success-exercise, food, breathing, sleep, whatever. Recovery is a life long adventure in ensure every day is as good as possible.

    And then life becomes enjoyable.

    Hug. You are healing. Your body just needs gentle care.

  9. I’m not surprised you’re exhausted, going back to work uses up a huge amount of mental energy which can be absolutely draining. You are doing incredibly well – I hope that despite feeling lethargic, you are also feeling so proud of yourself for what you are doing. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and spend the rest of the weekend taking care of you – you need it and you deserve it.
    Trish xx

  10. Stick with it.. You are doing so well… Nearly in double figures.. Whoop whoop! I’ve taken on two rescue cats as a distraction technique.. Oh yikes.. What have I done!?! 😀

    A few short hours and the weekend is done and dusted, the new week and your new job will bring lots of distractions (and challenges) so stock up on non-alcoholic treats and let’s ride the wave towards the 2 week milestone!!! (I have single handedly decimated a box of Belgian truffles today and I just don’t care!!)

  11. Hey Annie, you’re doing so well. The first at least few months is like trying to ride a bike with the stabilisers off! It’s wobbly, unfamiliar but you do eventually find your groove! Make sure you reward yourself on a daily basis with whatever you like. Seriously, that is so important. I ate what I wanted and lit candles and read crappy books. Anything to make myself feel better. Treat yourself like a small sick child. Kid gloves all the way. You’re doing great. xxx

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