Strange

It’s my Day 14 today, and I’ve been teetering on the edge. I don’t work on Thursdays, and I’ve been trying to catch up with my marking for school, and to get to grips with the almost overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. It’s ridiculous – people have much harder jobs than me – but I have this sledgehammer behind my eyes and haven’t been able to shake off a headache for 2 days. I only slept for about 4 hours a couple of nights ago, so last night I went to bed long before my husband, and tried to claw back a feeling of normality.

I am worried. The job is going well, and I’m really enjoying it, and, as I wrote in my last post (and thank you to everyone for your supportive comments – I’m sorry I haven’t been replying), I’ve been too busy to drink. But today, and yesterday, I’ve been thinking about drinking, about abandoning Dry January, and drinking something this weekend, to take the edge off the tiredness I’ve been feeling, to cope with the job somehow. I just feel so so tired, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tired, not even when I had my children. The job is so big in my life at the moment, the adjustments so huge, I don’t feel I have ‘time’ to concentrate on not drinking.  I know that sounds stupid.

I did a big supermarket shop this morning, and bought wine and gin. I told my husband that I wanted to have a ‘small drink’ with him tomorrow night, and he said nothing, just looked wry, as I’ve said the same thing every day (almost) since January 1st.

I paused in my marking of books at lunch today, and watched a recording of a documentary which was on Channel 5 last night: ‘My name is…’, frank interviews with alcoholics. It was a timely reminder to me that I can’t allow the job, or anything else, to derail me.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Strange”

  1. You have been doing so well…why are you setting yourself up like that? You are planning a relapse and you know it. Seeing drink as the “reward’ at the end of a long day or week is merely a rationalization and holds false promise. And you will have the same regrets afterwards. Perhaps you need to see a doctor about your exhaustion – there may be an underlying health issue. You would not be the first person who drank that developed anemia or was very deficient in B vitamins which may be contributing. One thing is for sure…alcohol will not help.

  2. Go dump those bottles. There is nothing good in them for you. Choose. Stop thinking and actively choose your sobriety. It’s not complicated. Dump them. Then fight off the tiredness with rest.

  3. Annie, fight for your sobriety.. fight the good fight.. Hold on to those 14 precious days. Pour that poison down that drain. Each time you relapse I think it could it get harder because the “kindling” effect may come into play. Sometimes you have to feel worse before you feel better. The fatigue you are experiencing is part of the early recovery process. You body is trying to heal and adjust. The years or decades of drinking.. it takes time it’s not going to happen within couple of weeks.
    with hope

  4. Pour that shit out. Don’t self-sabotage. You won’t feel any more rested with a hangover. And it won’t be just a “small drink”. That ship has sailed and good riddance to it.

    You can do this!!!

  5. Dump it hon!! I used to be a teacher and there is no greater miserable feeling than going in front of a classroom full of students hungover. I had no self esteem, forgot things, made mistakes during lessons, it just dragged me down even further. Made me feel like more of a failure than I already was. Please, please, please – you are doing so well. Fight this relapse idea. YOU CAN DO IT!! Dump it!

  6. Oh puh-lease. You know exactly what you’re doing so stop it. Pour the crap down the drain or return it to the store. Do not keep it in the house.

    And really? A ‘small drink’? There is no such thing as a small drink in our world. Right now your ‘small drink’ may be the biggest you ever take (or don’t take) it’s your choice. One minute of relief or your life.

    You can do this and you know it. I believe in you.

    Sherry

    1. Well said Sherry. We all know what we are doing when we buy alcohol. If I had it in the house I would drink it. Especially so early in the game.

  7. Please don’t go down the same path! There will always be a “reason” to drink: too tired, not tired enough, to take away a headache, to take the edge off, to cope, to celebrate. . . But you know they are all reasons to NOT drink. Especially with such an important new chapter of your life – this great new job – in jeopardy if you start again. When the urge strikes, tell it “No!” and push it out of your mind. Stay strong for that very precious part of you that you’re trying so hard to save. Stay strong for your husband’s Dry January commitment, and for your commitment to your new job. You can do it – without wine and gin.

  8. Hi Annie. I believe that trying a new approach or trying during new circumstances is key to finally quitting booze. For you this time it’s the new job and dry January. This may be your one of your last chances. Why throw away 2 weeks? I promise if you hold out a bit longer you will truly see this poison for what it is. A slow mental and physical killer. Please give the booze away. X

  9. Annie, I,m tired and have just made the 4 hour trip home from London. Which would always be an excuse to start the Thursday session. There is plenty of booze in the house but I am sitting here with a diet coke. I will not drink today and I,ll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Please stay strong.

    Justonemore

  10. Throw it away, Annie. This is the first time for months that you have managed to stay sober for so long, and this particular set of circumstances (Dry January, new job, husband on board) won’t be coming round again. You have overcome the cravings before, you can do it again. And really do throw it away – you can do without that temptation in the house.

  11. Annie, on the one hand you say you have been too busy to drink, and on the other you say you are too busy to concentrate on your sobriety. You are looking for a way to fail. You have done 14 days. You have done the really hard bit. You have a job and a full on family life. How fabulous to have all that. Don’t let it slip away.

  12. I agree with all the comments above. Snap out of it. Bringing booze home is setting yourself up, as you well know. You have just finished proving to yourself that you CAN do this, that you can beat back the cravings, and now you are determined to prove the opposite. As soon as you get some rest and a few more weeks of sobriety under your belt, you really have to look at the part of you that loves the drama of this whole back and forth. What makes you, just when you are doing well in a challenging new job and gaining back the respect of your family, think it is a great idea to become poor old lost cause, drunk Annie, out of control again? You knew getting sober would be hard — the tiredness is very much part of it. But I guarantee you, trying to balance all you have on your plate and being a full-blown drunk will be a lot harder, and without the possibility of the light of joy at the end of the tunnel. But you know that and are choosing not to believe it, a choice you have made again and again. And that has worked out for you, um, how often? Don’t drink, Annie.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s