It’s my Day 14 today, and I’ve been teetering on the edge. I don’t work on Thursdays, and I’ve been trying to catch up with my marking for school, and to get to grips with the almost overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. It’s ridiculous – people have much harder jobs than me – but I have this sledgehammer behind my eyes and haven’t been able to shake off a headache for 2 days. I only slept for about 4 hours a couple of nights ago, so last night I went to bed long before my husband, and tried to claw back a feeling of normality.
I am worried. The job is going well, and I’m really enjoying it, and, as I wrote in my last post (and thank you to everyone for your supportive comments – I’m sorry I haven’t been replying), I’ve been too busy to drink. But today, and yesterday, I’ve been thinking about drinking, about abandoning Dry January, and drinking something this weekend, to take the edge off the tiredness I’ve been feeling, to cope with the job somehow. I just feel so so tired, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tired, not even when I had my children. The job is so big in my life at the moment, the adjustments so huge, I don’t feel I have ‘time’ to concentrate on not drinking. I know that sounds stupid.
I did a big supermarket shop this morning, and bought wine and gin. I told my husband that I wanted to have a ‘small drink’ with him tomorrow night, and he said nothing, just looked wry, as I’ve said the same thing every day (almost) since January 1st.
I paused in my marking of books at lunch today, and watched a recording of a documentary which was on Channel 5 last night: ‘My name is…’, frank interviews with alcoholics. It was a timely reminder to me that I can’t allow the job, or anything else, to derail me.