Things have not been going well. That’s a bit gloomy: some things have been going well – the teaching is great and I’m enjoying it – but since my Dry January Crash, the drink has crept back in, and swiftly I have lost control of it.
Today I am ill – not from drinking, though the glasses I had last night haven’t helped – but because the children and I all have a coldy bug. It’s not a little cold, it’s a throaty, wearisome thing, and it’s wiped me out. My husband and I had already cancelled our trip away – too busy at work, and various other reasons – but it has meant that I have been working working working and not looking after myself AT ALL. And somehow, this seemed OK to me – clearly ludicrous. As I approached my 23 day slip, I lost motivation, and afterwards, I failed to pick myself up, instead digging myself deeper into the wretched pit.
That pit! It is soul-destroying. I need to go back to meetings, read blogs again, get back in touch with the addiction clinic (who rang me last week), connect with other sober bloggers, many of whom have reached out to me. And the awful thing is, for many days in the past week, it felt easier to drink than to do all that.
It is fortunate that I’ve caught this coldy illness; it means I have to stop, and take stock.
A Dappled Path 
Dear Annie, hello x. I’ve been thinking about you this week. I know it feels easier to drink and stay where you are – the ‘pit’ walls are steep! But once you’re out the air is sweet and the view’s great. Reach out, grab all the arms offered to help you out…and go for it. You can do it Annie.
I am desperate to get out, desperate to get to that ‘sweet air’. Thanks for thinking of me. Annie x
You’re here and that’s a great step! Return the addiction centre’s call. They can help you. You can do it Annie xx.
Hi Annie, I have been thinking about you too! I am glad to see you back. You had a slip. 99% of us here have had a slip (or twenty) but you are here now and that is a great sign. And CONGRATS on the 23 days. That is HUGE. See? You can do it!
I need to get some momentum back. I was pleased with 22 days but I definitely lost focus, and stopped trying, and then I plunged downwards. I can’t do it on my own. Annie x
Annie, I am a newbie at this other than the 10 or more fucking years when I knew what I needed to do but didn’t grab the nettle, so to speak. I am amazed at what I have seen and read in the blogs and the support out there is tangible. Don’t worry about the past – this is no little thing we are all doing. I am unpicking more than 35 years of a mess and I know that unless someone invents time travel then this is going to have to be done the hard way, with self-doubt, anxiety, looking in dark places and trying to step back from the fucking abyss once and for all. I wish I had a n addiction to aubergines – I hate aubergines and could easily avoid eating them for theorist of my life but unfortunately its booze and I love a decent shiraz, sauvignon, Plymouth Gin, malt whisky and craft beers. You can do it, I can do it; lots of others have done it. If I don’t do it its probably going to kill me or at least contribute to an early demise so its definitely worth the effort and I am looking forward to a slimmer, wealthier me in about 6 months and telling the next GP who asks how many units I drink, the truth rather than a the usual evasive lies.
You’ve been at this a long time and you have achieved enormous gains. Keep going, you can do it. Dig into that support network and send me some positive waves as I am thinking of you tonight.
Justonemore
Hello! Am feeling a bit rubbish, in bed with this fluey cold, but will send you some positive waves if I can…Thank you for commenting here, and for your support. Annie x
Hi Annie,
I am just getting over the cold thing and it was not fun.
So I hope you and the kids get better quickly!
xo
Wendy
Thank you, Wendy. I keep trying to leave a comment on your blog, but it won’t work – I’m not sure why. Annie x
Dear Annie
I’m really praying for you. Please find real help.
Anne
Dear Anne, I need to put a plan for real help in place. I’m finding that difficult, but I know I need to do it. Annie x
Oh Annie
I’m sorry to hear you sounding down. I know you want this as much as I do. Each time will be helping you to get stronger. Eighteen months down the line of trying and failing I am on day 15 again and like you I know the rewards. But it is hard.
Take care of yourself
Sarah (somuchtogainfromthis)
Dear Sarah, I feel as though you and I have been travelling this path together. I send you lots of love. Annie x
Thank you and I’m looking forward to continuing to travel with you. You were one of those who initially inspired me. You are stronger than you know. Good luck with your journey 🙂
Hey Annie – so glad to see a post from you, been wondering how you’re getting on. Sorry to hear you and the family have been ill – it’s such a drain on your mental and physical resources isn’t it? Really pleased to hear the teaching is going well, that’s huge. I’m glad you’re still thinking about getting sober. I’m still finding it really hard, but I’m still here and rooting for you too. Keep on tapping into this support network, it’s been critical to me getting this far that’s for sure. Seeking the other outside help from the addictions clinic is a very good plan too. Very large hugs, Red xx
I’ve been following your blog, and you’re doing brilliantly. Annie x