The supermarket

It feels huge that I’m on day 2. I’ve had plenty of day ones, and day twos, but this one felt harder to get to. In the supermarket this morning, I put a 3/4 bottle of prosecco in my basket (what kind of size bottle is that? Not tiny, not a whole bottle…what’s that all about?), then a moment later, took it out and walked back to the shelf to put it back.

WHAT AM I DOING?

It all feels horribly fragile. I cannot think beyond the next few hours. The thought of tomorrow evening, Friday, is too big to contemplate. Never has the day at a time mantra felt so relevant. What I am trying to keep uppermost in my mind, is how pleased my children will be if they see me having alcohol-free drinks, when they can be sure that they won’t smell alcohol on my breath when I kiss them goodnight.

Strength

I feel a bit stronger today. I’m on day one – again – after drinking last night. But I then poured a whole bottle away, and I don’t think I’ve ever done that. It’s a small step, but a step nonetheless.

I am utterly fed up with my situation, and with myself. The spiral downwards is twisting me, and I want to climb free. I am going away next week with the family, and I have told my parents that I won’t be drinking. My husband is unwell at the moment, so he will be grateful for an alcohol-free holiday too.

I just feel as though I’m done with drinking.  Even in my most determined times, I never really felt that, so I am hopeful that I can do this. I want my despair to lift.

 

Sober blogging

So why blog? Well, for me, I like to try and organise my thoughts, make sense of what I’m trying to do; and the sense of community keeps me coming back here. I’ve had a mad few days where I have repeatedly opened and closed the blog, and I’m not really sure why. I think it must be fear, fear of knowing that my thoughts are here for everyone to see. But also, embarrassment – and shame, that I am taking so long to succeed.

Back on Day one, but suddenly I am not afraid to write that, because it is pointless to write here and not tell you what has been happening, not tell myself what has been happening.

Deep in denial, drinking in secret, and pretending to myself that ‘by tonight/by the weekend/by next term’, I’ll have the whole thing sorted.  Of course I won’t; and I also know that I have to celebrate even tiny successes, where I manage not to drink today.

I need to find a counsellor – not the one I used to see a few years ago, who told me to sip more slowly. I want to talk to someone. But at this moment, I have my blog; maybe it is not enough, but it is something that may help me get through today.

It may seem as though I am not taking the advice that people have suggested on my blog. But please know that I take every comment seriously, and that you are all helping me to find a way out of my big mess.

Memory

Thank you for all your comments in my last post. They are so helpful.

I am not finding it easy, and have rather crawled into Day 4. I know that opinion is divided about going to meetings, and the word ‘alcoholic’. I am so busy at work, and with my family; when I look up meeting times, they never seem to fit with my schedule.  Then my mind races into: well, if I can’t get to meetings, then there’s no point in trying to get sober, so I may as well drink.

How far will I be able to do this on my own, with the help of my husband, people here, and my blog? If I can’t commit to the whole AA spirit, will it never work, or could I try and go to meetings when I can, and keep working on things here at home?

Certainly, I need to do something. When I was drinking in the past week, I realised latterly that I couldn’t remember whole conversations. My husband has looked increasingly puzzled when I’ve started talking to him about something, and he reminds me that I’ve already said exactly the same thing a few days before. So, it is clear to me that things have been getting worse, and that any thoughts of moderation or control are long gone as an option.

My mind still feels cloudy.

 

Self-compassion

 

Someone recently commented that I was attention-seeking in my blog. I have been worrying about this over the past few days. I like writing here because it helps me process my thoughts, and keep track of my sober days. But attention-seeking? I had never thought of it in that way, and it troubles me.

Anyway, Day one today and I feel determined. I am 100% fed up with the cycle of drinking that I’ve been stuck in, and I am climbing out and heading to a better place. That makes it sound like I’m dying…

My sober journey is so imperfect. Way back when I started this blog, I had a vision of how it was all going to be; it has not gone according to plan, and I feel as though I am finding (and losing) my way slowly slowly slowly. Primrose posted a short video about self-compassion on her blog today (takinganewpath) and it made me realise that I need to be gentler with myself. I’m so all or nothing.  I was listening to The Bubble Hour earlier, and Ellie was talking about how hard it is in early sobriety to be kind to oneself, not to give up if you slip up. So many times in recent months, I have given up trying because things haven’t gone ‘perfectly’. I need to move forward with greater self-compassion, and respect for myself, I think.

Oh no – now I think that sounds self-centred! Attention-seeking, even? Or just seeking?

Fear

How can I describe it? Well, it’s not good.  I think I’m in control, but I’m not, and I feel trapped. I have always valued this blog as a place in which I can spread my feelings out, air them…put them into words.  And I really appreciate the responses I get, and value and need the support I receive here.

But one of my problems is that I worry so much about what people think.

I’ll tell you what is happening. I’m still drinking, and I can’t stop.  My attempts to stop thus far have failed.  I have tapped into sober blogs, listened to sober podcasts, contacted sober people, read sober literature and been to AA.  I have been to an addiction therapist.

None of it is enough, I know because I haven’t fully engaged in any of these things.

I want to get better, but I keep going round in circles.