Thank you for all your comments in my last post. They are so helpful.

I am not finding it easy, and have rather crawled into Day 4. I know that opinion is divided about going to meetings, and the word ‘alcoholic’. I am so busy at work, and with my family; when I look up meeting times, they never seem to fit with my schedule.  Then my mind races into: well, if I can’t get to meetings, then there’s no point in trying to get sober, so I may as well drink.

How far will I be able to do this on my own, with the help of my husband, people here, and my blog? If I can’t commit to the whole AA spirit, will it never work, or could I try and go to meetings when I can, and keep working on things here at home?

Certainly, I need to do something. When I was drinking in the past week, I realised latterly that I couldn’t remember whole conversations. My husband has looked increasingly puzzled when I’ve started talking to him about something, and he reminds me that I’ve already said exactly the same thing a few days before. So, it is clear to me that things have been getting worse, and that any thoughts of moderation or control are long gone as an option.

My mind still feels cloudy.


14 thoughts on “Memory”

  1. There is still a point in being sober even if you don’t go to meetings! You know this, but I answered anyway 🙂 I’ve never plucked up the courage to go to a meeting so you’re braver than I am for a start…but that hasn’t stopped me (yeah, Ok, in the past!) Being sober.

    I would suggest doing exactly what you said – go to meetings whenever you can get to them. Do you also see a counsellor? Perhaps you could plan those appointments to compensate for any long gaps between AA meetings?
    Lastly, try not to worry about if, then, etc. As in, ‘how’ you are going to stay sober… you are there, doing it right now. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.
    Thinking of you, Annie xx

  2. Good job on day 4. It’s so hard, I know.
    At the risk of sounding harsh, as I read this last post I hear a lot of “can’t”. (Can I say, “I call BULLSHIT”!!!)Which to me says “I can’t take care of myself”. Make yourself the priority. Find a meeting that you can “squeeze” in somewhere. Delegate. Stop using your “busy life” as an excuse. I work and have 4 children so I know all that’s involved. I’ve learned that some stuff isn’t a priority.
    I really believe that you need real live in person help. It’s Sunday. There’s bound to be a meeting that you can get to today. Let your husband do some of the “stuff” that needs to be done.

  3. Hi Annie
    I had started forgetting conversations too. I also fell asleep in a bar and fell over on the way back from another night out. Mortifying!! Thank god my children didn’t see the fall!
    I also read last Saturday’s Guardian front page article about the dangers of alcohol. It terrified me! 35 units a week (only three and a half bottles of wine) is regarded by medical experts as seriously endangering health.
    I’m on day 22 now and this weekend has been the toughest. I’m already worrying about how I’m going to get through future events that are planned. But I have to keep reminding myself that it’s a small price to pay for the rewards. Keep going Annie x

  4. Hi Annie. You’re on day 4, which is really something. You CAN stop drinking – you HAVE stopped drinking! Try this – think of yourself as a non-drinker; not someone who’s trying to quit, or who has quit but relapsed in the past, or who wants to quit, or someone who wants to be like ‘so and so’ who’s quit. You are YOU and you have quit. You’re a non-drinker. And fully engage with it Annie. You said yourself in a recent post that you hadn’t fully engaged with the process and the support that’s out there. It’s a crap phrase but here goes, “You’ve got to be in it to win it”. Love from the Sober Garden xx.

  5. Oh Annie, you’re so close if not already into a dangerous health crisis. The described loss of memory should be enough to catapult you into every possible venue of support. If all you say is true, your level of addiction is no less worthy of immediate and significant attention than a cancer diagnosis. Exchange cancer for alcoholism. Could you not find time to care for yourself under those circumstances? Heavy drinking, which you admittedly engage in, puts you at greater risk for multiple forms of cancer and other life altering diseases. You have my best wishes. I hope you will get significant professional help.

  6. Hello Annie,
    Sobriety is not something you try to fit into your life. It has to be the main thing right now. You have to move beyond your thinking, analyzing, good intentions, knowledge and take action. I hope you will consider professional intervention.

    with hope

  7. Hi Annie. If you’re really reading and taking to heart everything these people have all said, you know what you have to do, you’re just not yet willing to do it. Plain and simple. Nothing can be off the table, including quitting your new job or going to an in-patient rehab to get sober and stay sober. You control your life, not your job, not your husband or kids. You are solely responsible for the choices you make, and yes, that’s terrifying. For all of us. If the circumstances are making it harder to get sober, you have to be willing to change your circumstances. That’s sometimes easier said than done because our addicted brain distorts reality and makes us see mountains when there are only molehills. That’s why it’s so important to get momentum with a good long stretch of not drinking so you can start to see those choices clearly, with less of that distortion that makes simple changes seem so daunting. I do hope you continue to not drink, and get some real support where you are. Sometimes it really helps to talk things through with someone. It’s like putting a lens up to your distorted view so you can see things for what they are.

  8. Annie,please listen to some of these kind and experienced voices. Of course, you can get sober without AA. But can you get sober without changing what has not worked for you for so long — half measures, blogs and online support, your patient husband’s encouragement (which, incidentally, is probably not infinite), prioritizing your sobriety below almost everything else (job, getting dinner on the table, vacation, keeping your drinking parents happy, medicating your anxiety, not admitting that you are an alcoholic, staying the seemingly-happy good-time girl)? I doubt it. It hasn’t worked for the two years you have been at this so far, and I am not sure why it would magically work in the future.

    I hear in this post a desperate desire for someone to tell you one of two things: (1) It isn’t THAT hard or scary to get clean — you can break a life threatening addiction with half-measures or (2) It is impossible for you, special Annie, to get sober, so you don’t have to. Both are just seeking permission to keep drinking — or to get the benefits of leading a sober life without actually having to lead a sober life. That would sound crazy to a non-alcoholic, but it makes perfect sense to me, as it probably does to most of us who tried everything to get sober short of stopping drinking. It is the addiction talking.

    Until you see and admit — in aa or in rehab or in a counselor’s office — that you cannot think your way out of this, because your addiction has hijacked your mind, I believe you will have a really hard time beating this. And beat it you must because, as others have said, it is a progressive disease, and you are spiraling into supremely dangerous territory very quickly.

    Take care, friend.

  9. Sobriety has to be the number 1 priority in your life. Otherwise it won’t matter about your busy life anymore. That’s the reality. It isn’t a “nice to have”, or an option. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t say, “Oh, I would go to the doctor or the hospital, if I could fit it in”…you would just GO. I don’t think anyone is divided about AA. As lots of us have said before, there’s no “one size fits all” for getting sober. Some of us have become sober through blogging, joining on line communities. Each one of us uses different methods, but puts the same amount of commitment and hard work in. If this online community is not enough, if it’s not working, then you need to try another approach. Go to AA. Go to SMART meetings. Drive to another town to find a meeting that fits your schedule if you need to. Get a babysitter, ask your husband, or your family to help with your life, take time off work…but DO IT NOW. xxxx

  10. hi Annie,

    I’m sorry I haven’t offered you much support recently, especially when it seems you have been having a really rough time. I seem to be locked out of your blog at certain points of the day (or maybe its certain devices?) I have no clue! Anyways, even if I cant always get on here to post, I am thinking of you. This alcohol free malarky is not straight forward.. if everyone found it easy there would be no problem in the first place!! Keep persevering as you will get there and when you do it will stick and you will massively help others as you will understand. xx

    Ps: I somehow posted this in completely the wrong place to start with… I think my computer has gremlins!! 🙂

  11. Annie, these are all incredibly wise words and as I have said before, I am a newbie at this but I recognise the real danger that I am facing. I have been drinking harmful (no, very harmful) amounts of alcohol for years. I have seen a bright, gifted relative die from liver failure at 53, leaving a partner and child (that didn’t spur me on – takes a real fool etc) and also a friend who was a GP die from a related illness. I doubt I have got away unscathed and who knows what I have stored up for the future but I know that I am staring into the abyss and that anymore booze is likely to hasten my decline into something really serious – the medical facts are terrifying and everything else such as embarrassment, falling asleep, being a slurring fool at parties or just at home on a Saturday pales into insignificance. All of your friends here harden my resolve. I want to live and so do you. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who died after “a short illness” and I’m fed up with being defined by alcohol. I think our NHS fails drinkers, treating the aftermath rather than the cause but you probably do need to look for some intervention and put yourself first. We only get to walk this planet once and I’d rather spend whats left sober than the haze of the last few decades. Good luck, don’t drink, don’t get in a situation where you are tempted.


  12. Do you know about PAWS Annie? Look it up- you may find it a comfort. I was so glad when someone told me it was normal to feel confused and disorientated and not quite right after drinking.

    It passes 🙂 and like with everything and giving up drinking, it turns into glorious sunshine x

  13. Hear hear to all of the above. Looking back at your past year or so, there seems to have been a lot of wishful thinking going on, not enough prioritising and commitment. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but beating this thing takes more than encouraging words from others. Short term pain for long term gain.
    Hugs xx

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