So why blog? Well, for me, I like to try and organise my thoughts, make sense of what I’m trying to do; and the sense of community keeps me coming back here. I’ve had a mad few days where I have repeatedly opened and closed the blog, and I’m not really sure why. I think it must be fear, fear of knowing that my thoughts are here for everyone to see. But also, embarrassment – and shame, that I am taking so long to succeed.
Back on Day one, but suddenly I am not afraid to write that, because it is pointless to write here and not tell you what has been happening, not tell myself what has been happening.
Deep in denial, drinking in secret, and pretending to myself that ‘by tonight/by the weekend/by next term’, I’ll have the whole thing sorted. Of course I won’t; and I also know that I have to celebrate even tiny successes, where I manage not to drink today.
I need to find a counsellor – not the one I used to see a few years ago, who told me to sip more slowly. I want to talk to someone. But at this moment, I have my blog; maybe it is not enough, but it is something that may help me get through today.
It may seem as though I am not taking the advice that people have suggested on my blog. But please know that I take every comment seriously, and that you are all helping me to find a way out of my big mess.
A Dappled Path 
Hi there Annie, a big, massive hug to you. You poor thing. It’s such a horrible, horrible addiction. But somewhere inside you you have the will to stop, to give up and to be FREE. I wish I could put my mind in your mind (weirdo!) and show you how 9 months sober feels. It’s amazing and all of that ‘stuff’ that you’re going through now is gone. But I can’t so all I can do is let you know that there’s a whole truckload of us out here, listening to you and wishing you the best. xxxx Mtts.
I WISH I could project myself forward, past this, to the other side. I really wish it. But I know I’ve got to do the hard work. Thank you for listening to me. Annie x
Don’t worry so much about what others think of your blogging or not blogging. You need to take care of yourself right now. Like they always say in guided meditation (which I HIGHLY recommend as a way to learn how to sit with those feelings we are used to medicating): There is no right or wrong way to have this experience. There is no right or wrong way to get sober (of course, drinking to get sober would be wrong, but only because it isn’t getting sober). And what mytimetoshine said — all of us with more than a few months under our sober belts wish we could convey to you how much better it is on this side, how worth it the undeniably hard physical, emotional, and spiritual work and pain to get here is. But we can’t — as someone said on an earlier post: if we could see when we are drinking how much better NOT drinking is, we would’t need aa or treatment or blogs. Every alcoholic would just get sober.
So keep doing, with your blog and everything else, what you think will get you out of your well described “big mess.” But don’t do it to please the commenters or to seek validation for your current course. We can all root for you and advise you, but in the end you and only you can decide to free yourself from this life threatening addiction — by, counterintuitively, surrendering. By admitting to yourself, your family, and (I hope) a room full of AA members or an addiction group or a doctor/therapist/addiction counselor — and maybe all of them — that your life is out of control, the addiction has the best of you, and you will do whatever it takes to get free of it. Then take the steps prescribed by others who know more about the path you are on then you do — not because your sponsor or doctor or husband or me wants you to, not because it is “taking you too long to succeed,” but because that is the only way to the other side.
Concentrate now, Annie, on saving your life. Worry later about pleasing the blogosphere. I know you can do it.
When I started out, I thought I had it all sorted: I felt good, motivated, full of energy for the task. Now, I just feel crippled by it, as though I can’t get out. I don’t feel strong at all, I feel terrible. I know what I have to do, and I feel crushed by the weight of it. I wish you were here with me. Annie x
There are people, just like me, in every AA room I’ve walked into — and I travel a lot so I have walked into quite a few. I know your experience there has been mixed, but maybe you are more ready now. If you walked into a meeting today and said “I feel crippled, as though I can’t get out. I feel terrible. I feel crushed by the weight of it. Please help” — you would get immediate and powerful support.
Note, by the way, what I left out: “I know what I have to do” — that’s not surrendering, that’s trying to think your way sober, which doesn’t work (for many reason, but one is, it is often followed by — I know what I have to do, and I can’t). The beauty of not knowing, admitting you don’t know, turning your process over is that you don’t have to be strong or all wise. You just have to be humble and not fight fight fight those who are trying to help (with your set ideas about “what you need to do”). Just the process of giving up, saying this is out of my control, if done without condition, will be a huge relief.
You don’t need strength to take the first step — just the opposite. You don’t need to desperately hold on. You need to let go.
Please don’t stop blogging. If people are only interested in reading success stories then they can stick to reading them. You are on your way to being a success story but you’re not quite there yet, and blogging will help you to get there. We are glad to share your ups and downs as we are all human and have our own ups and downs. If it was easy we wouldn’t need to read and write blogs. You sound so sad Annie. I hope you find some peace soon x
I’ve just read your blog. Day 24! So good. Annie x
You’ll soon catch up 🙂 I’m sure like me you’ve learnt a lot over the past 18 months or so which will help you to succeed when the time is right x
Hi Annie!! I’m here with you. You can do this, it will just click one day. Hugs. Noddy.
I hope so. Annie x
Annie, I’m with you as well. Its not easy. I have been thinking about this for years, hating my lack of will power, hating the deceptions and scared to the point of exhaustion by what I have been doing to myself. But I am now just beginning to see what it looks like from the other side and I like what I see but it is sooo hard!! I think I have enough support mechanisms for now but you will need to seek out your own unique set. Find an empathetic GP, not one who gives you 8 minutes and refers you to the addiction nurse (no disrespect to addiction nurses) but one who will listen to your story and appreciate how hard you have tried to overcome this killer of a problem. Annie, good luck and go gently.
Justonemore
Thank you for being here with me. Annie x
Hi Annie – I’m still here willing you onwards – please keep blogging!!! Red xx
I will. Annie x
Find that help. You deserve it.
Take action while you are clear.
Anne
Thanks, Anne. Annie x
Keep blogging Annie. But don’t feel you have to blog for us, do it for yourself. Trying to get sober can be lonely, so online support can be helpful. Try and get help. Go to a meeting. It might be a struggle with your busy timetable, but you just have to do it. Someone said the other day, if you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t question getting help. This is your life Annie, you want to live it the best way you can. I’ve been realising lately just how short life is. You don’t want to waste it on booze. Just don’t give up and keep trying. I am here for you. A x
Angie, I am wearing the bracelet again. Annie x
Angie is right. Do it for yourself. I’ve been blogging for about a year and I had PLENTY of day 1s. Sometimes I think I have no will power at all. Sometimes I think I am rocking my sobriety. It is truly one day at a time. Don’t give up. Keep on trying. It counts more than anything else.
Thanks for this advice. I so easily give up when things go wrong. Annie x
I FINALLY have a month of sobriety. I know that it’s because I’m giving AA the work needed instead of just sitting in meetings and letting it “wash over me”. I never wanted to ask for help. I am so glad that I did. I wasn’t ready before. When it’s time, it will all fall into place for you.
You are doing so well. Annie x