So why blog? Well, for me, I like to try and organise my thoughts, make sense of what I’m trying to do; and the sense of community keeps me coming back here. I’ve had a mad few days where I have repeatedly opened and closed the blog, and I’m not really sure why. I think it must be fear, fear of knowing that my thoughts are here for everyone to see. But also, embarrassment – and shame, that I am taking so long to succeed.
Back on Day one, but suddenly I am not afraid to write that, because it is pointless to write here and not tell you what has been happening, not tell myself what has been happening.
Deep in denial, drinking in secret, and pretending to myself that ‘by tonight/by the weekend/by next term’, I’ll have the whole thing sorted. Of course I won’t; and I also know that I have to celebrate even tiny successes, where I manage not to drink today.
I need to find a counsellor – not the one I used to see a few years ago, who told me to sip more slowly. I want to talk to someone. But at this moment, I have my blog; maybe it is not enough, but it is something that may help me get through today.
It may seem as though I am not taking the advice that people have suggested on my blog. But please know that I take every comment seriously, and that you are all helping me to find a way out of my big mess.