My dappled path

Not so much dappled, more totally obscured, it has been hard to see along my path in recent weeks. For a while, I gave up on giving up and let myself go, drinking every day and trying not to care about it. How I thought a solution would appear in this dark route, I’m not sure, but today I have started to read Jason Vale’s book about stopping drinking, and I am trying to re-engage with sobriety.

The fear of not drinking, even for a day, is intense. But I have a couple of days off work, and am here alone with my thoughts; and for the first time in a while, I feel quite calm, and more ready to give it another go.

I remember once saying to a therapist that I needed to feel ‘rubbish’, that I needed to drink in order to satisfy some notion of relaxing, not being so ‘perfect’ in the evenings. For the last few weeks, a lot of this ‘rubbish’ has been happening, every evening awash with a sense of hopelessness as I descend into it, and allow myself to give in.

Well, I’m back, and I’m going to try again.

6 thoughts on “My dappled path”

  1. Hey Annie! Glad you’re back! March 2nd is a great quit day 😉
    One thing, though. You keep talking about ‘trying again’, and even the language implies that you think you’re going to fail. You are not ‘trying again’, you have QUIT DRINKING. You are a NON DRINKER. As of today.

    Tell yourself that, over and over. Don’t tell yourself you’re ‘giving it another shot’. Whenever I see you using words like that I know it’s not going to work…

    Go girl!!!!

    SM x

  2. Hello Annie, I am very new to this myself and found the first weeks incredibly painful. Just want to share my experience with you (also as part of no-lurking policy); do not really feel in a position to give sage advice. In my own small pit of despair, while Googling the words anxiety alcohol withdrawal, I came across a forum called soberrecovery.com which has many people describing the same experience, sometimes much worse probably than what you or I have to go through with terrible DT’s and itching. A lot of the anxiety is caused by withdrawal, which lasts days or weeks, for some people months. Once this clicked with me, I thought it would be preferable to not have to stop again, so to try at all cost to get it over with once and for all, I just kept sitting in a dark room, not drinking and anxious, waiting for the withdrawal symptoms to stop, even if it were to take a year. This really really bad part lasted maybe 2 weeks, feeling a bit better now, and hope you will too. Love, Elis

  3. Hi Annie,

    I am glad that you are back. I have commented here a few times that I am trying to quit too and struggling. I’m into the 4th week now which is longer than I’ve gone without any alcohol in over 20 years. It’s painful to admit that! A few days ago I was so irritated and angry as I stood in my kitchen at 5:00…the worst time of day for me because that is always when I gave in and opened that bottle of wine. I just wanted to pull my hair out and rip my face off. Everyone says this will go away once I get some more time under my belt. Yesterday I went to a yoga class at 4:15. I haven’t been to yoga in over a year. By the time I got home, showered, fixed dinner, and cleaned up the kitchen it was after 7:30 and I’d hardly had time to hear the voice in my head. I have a habit of signing up for yoga and other fitness classes in the morning then canceling them later in the day, but my evening was so much better yesterday I’m going to try to keep doing things like that. Hang in there and just keep moving forward.

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