Just after 4pm, and the nagging voice has started: the you don’t need to be doing this voice, the you’re always setting yourself challenges, the why do you make it so hard voice. My son is still poorly, and I feel emotionally a bit wrung out. Yesterday, blogging through the craving, reading everyone’s comments, really helped me. And yet here I am again, feeling the same itchy feelings as yesterday.
I went shopping this morning and bought lots of food and alcohol-free drinks, sailing past the wine corner without a backward glance. Often at 4pm, I start to regret this sailing, and wish I’d ‘stocked up’, but of course it is crucial that I haven’t bought any booze, and can’t be tempted by the easy opening mini bottles I would often buy. But inside my chest, I feel this constricted feeling, a tightness which I can’t shake off.
A Dappled Path 
I know it sounds trite but it will pass. These are the hardest days. Call someone. Keep blogging. Listen to a podcast. Just don’t give in. Sending you the strength you need! Really think about going back to meetings!
Don’t even get into a conversation/debate with that nagging voice, it knows you inside out and it’ll stop at nothing to get its fix. You can’t reason or argue with it, and if you do it’s likely to win. I wasted a lot of time going back and forth debating with that voice, which said the same sort of things to me as yours does to you, and eventually I found that the only way it would pipe down, even temporarily, was not to engage with it at all. Treat it like you would a toddler having a tantrum, and then wait for it to pass. Thinking of you Annie, you’re doing great. X
You really ought to find a 4 pm meeting. Even if you don’t buy ANY of what AA is selling, just sitting with other alcoholics as you experience the craving will help you get through it (plus it is hard to find anything alcoholic to drink at an AA meeting).
You have to stop looking at this as if you are setting unreasonable goals for yourself. You haven’t signed on for a triathlon (though getting through these first days may seem equally daunting). Not drinking isn’t a lifestyle choice for you, it is a necessity if you want to save your life and family.
Call someone and talk through the cravings. Do all the things you did to get through it yesterday. Even more importantly, remember it DID eventually pass yesterday. It is not how you will feel forever. And though it is probably how you will feel again tomorrow at 4 pm, the time for it to pass will be quicker each day.
You know this takes time. You can’t expect to be free of a serious addiction in three days. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Do what it takes. And PLEASE get some help beyond what you have sought out so far. If not for you, then for your son, who expects you to fail, or for your husband, who is missing the you who is not a ugly drunk.
That rightness is excitement. Excitement that you are ding this.
It will feel itchy, annoying painful for a while.
That is a sign you are doing the right thing.
Don’t drink. Read haplesshomesteaders comment.
Hi Annie,I know exactly how you are feeling, it’s called addiction. once you’ve passed the hump, you will not get the compulsion any longer. I still get the thought of drinking, but not the urge. It takes time and effort but it is so worth it. When you do get sober ( I hope this is your time) you will wish you did it years ago. You can do this. Noddy X
I am working through the early days too (again) and I think it is just really important to acknowledge that it is going to be hard, and you have to walk yourself off that ledge….deep breathing, doing something you like, sleeping, walking; whatever it is. I have done this before also and honestly it is just going to feel really crappy for a while until your addicted, habit formed brain acknowledges that there is a new you and a new way! I have recently been following Tommy Rosen and participating in the “”In the Rooms online forums” and they are helping IMMENSELY!! We all have to search for the tools that will help us individually and then use them. At the same time it is just completely understandable that you are having white knuckle moments, cravings, urges and feeling crappy. Hugs! This time my mantra is truly “Just today” – I don’t think about days, or the future, I just think about today.
Annie, its my birthday today. I told no one at work and I have been sat here, away from home, keeping my mind and hands busy. I don’t keep booze here anymore and I take it one day at a time. It does get easier, you know this because you have clocked up some pretty good figures before. Keep busy or take yourself out of the moment. I like donohuli’s words but I think you should read what hapless has said here and before.
Justonemore
Happy Birthday xxx