It’s Friday, and I’m on Day 5 but I’m having a major wobble. It began last night when my husband expressed surprise when I said I wouldn’t be drinking this weekend. He said he thought I’d meant that I wouldn’t drink in the week. It’s probably my fault for not being clearer (although I had thought I was clear). But of course it made me see a chink in my plan – I slept badly, thinking of ways out, and then looking at how glad I am that I haven’t drunk this week.
So, with the wobble in full swing, I texted my husband this morning and said, ‘Shall we drink this weekend, then?’ and his reply was ‘That would be the dream!’
It’s a mess. I’m so unclear in my own head. And I don’t want to undo my good week.
A Dappled Path 
Think it through. Drink tonight…..horrible anxiety/self loathing and feeling like major dog feces tomorrow. You’ll feel guilty that you let your son down (although we can only get sober for ourselves) Then you’ll blog about the above tomorrow. Then you might close your blog. Then you’ll wrestle all day tomorrow with the “drink don’t drink” thoughts. Which then (may) lead to more drinking by tomorrow by 5 pm…rinse repeat.
These are the hardest days. At day 5 (and a Friday to boot!) all I kept saying was “goddamnit I want a drink!” It’s truly maddening. Get to a meeting. Call someone. Go to bed. Just get through this and use the power you gain from this victory to strengthen you for the next (insane) drinking battle.
Well, you were right! And when I first read your comment, I thought, ‘I’ll manage this, I absolutely won’t do all those things!’ And then I went ahead and did them all. Still here, though, and not going to disappear. Annie x
A dream of what? A hangover/foggy brain and all the regret and self loathing that comes with it? We have all been there. Keep on track. You are doing really well. Go to a meeting. Remember the last time that you regretted drinking and use that as a reason not to drink today. We are all behind you. Good luck.
Yes, the ‘dream’ turned out to be another weekend where I wish it had gone differently. Annie x
For your husband, who doesn’t have the addiction, it seems a reasonable dream to only drink at weekends. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t understand how it is for you – I don’t think my partner does either, that I don’t really have a fully functional off switch. For those of us that struggle to control our drinking though, just drinking at the weekends usually ends is up back where we started. It’s not as if you haven’t made that your goal before, do before you decide, think back honestly to how things unfolded. For many of us at the beginning, moderation would have been our holy grail, but further down the line you realise that actually true freedom from that whispering, bargaining voice, the regret and self-flagellation, only comes from total abstinence. And not immediately. It takes time, but it’s worth it. X
Total abstinence seems out of reach, and I feel really hopeless that I haven’t yet been able to achieve it. Annie x
It is toally amazing to have someone who will 100% understand when you want to stop drinking. However, alot of people have their own ideas and loves around booze. Unfortunately the only person that can stop you from drinking is you. I know that might sound a bit harsh but it’s true. You are the only one who can try and give yourself that tiny bit of love (was hard for me! didn’t think i deserved soberity) to not pour the wine in the glass and lift it to my lips. It can be really, really hard. But it’s worth it. I promise, promise, promise it is. Please believe in yourself and the justice you’ll do to yourself by not drinking. It is another world out there. And if I can do it, anyone can!!! Drinking was my life now I actually have a life.
Has your husband seen your blog?? Maybe it’s time to show him how important this is to you.
As for the weekend, go to a meeting, eat food, pm me, stay close to your laptop for sober support. Just don’t drink. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMtts
I don’t want to show my husband my blog. Having said that, he knows it exists, and he could read it at any time. I think he chooses not to read it, because he doesn’t want the me that writes this blog, to be the person that he is married to. I have just read what I have written here, and it is terrifying! Annie x
Are you sure that was what he said? It sounds very hard to imagine the same person who thought you were a drunk now can’t imagine a weekend without booze.
I’m pretty sure your son won’t be echoing and pro drinking sentiment.
This is something you must do. This is time time to choose for yourself. Do you want to be free? It takes work, effort and time.
Yes.
I know. I don’t think I’ve yet been putting in that work and effort – not enough. Annie x
There is no such thing as “part time” sobriety when you are addicted. There will always be an excuse/reason to drink if you are looking for one. That dreamy weekend of boozing could turn into a long nightmare should you choose to drink. Guard your sobriety like a treasure you don’t want to lose. Be decisive Annie, don’t vacillate about not drinking.
With hope.
I don’t think I’ve been decisive. I am definitely vacillating! That is a big part of the problem. Thank you for commenting. You really help me. Everyone here does. Annie x
I am shocked that is what your husband said! Is this not the same man who said he would support you? What did he mean? Again, like all the others said, this has been an internal battle for you for a long time, and you got to day 5 – the hardest part is almost over…..everybody is different but for me getting through 2 weekends made it so much easier after that. I am with all the others on the comments – keep trying. At a meeting the other day, somebody demonstrated two pressure points to help relieve the anxiety they have when triggers occur and I am using them and they helped SO MUCH!! Last night when I was filled with anxiety, triggering like fireworks, I worked out, then I did 5 minutes of these 2 pressure points – one is pressing the sternum between the breasts for 2-3 minutes while deep breathing….the other is a more common pressure point which is pressing at the base of the thumb for a couple of minutes….Again – different tools work for different people – continue to seek out the tools that will work for you! Good luck
See my next post about my husband. I felt bad when I read your comment, as I felt I’d mis-represented him. Thanks for the ideas about how to relieve anxiety. Annie x
Oh my gosh, Annie, if you spent even 25% of the energy you spend figuring out HOW to drink on protecting your sobriety, you would be the UK’s most sober blogger by now. I hate to say it, but I think you have a real problem with honesty — with your husband, with your kids, with AA and non-AA friends, with your cyber sober buddies, but most, most importantly, with yourself.
First, husband. I agree heartily with ainsobreity. A man who you say sees how changed for the worse you are when you drink? A man you have supposedly, more than once, told in all honesty that you feel you have a life-threatening addiction that is making you miserable? Either he is a monster, and I don’t sense he is, or you have lied (or told half-truths) to him or to us. There’s just no other way the scene you recount here adds up. Have you shown him the blog? If not, why not?
If showing him the blog is too painful, why not ask him to check out Al-Anon – or even a decent website for partners of alcoholics. Give him the information he needs to support you. Don’t make him the scapegoat for your self-destruction. That’s so unfair.
Second, yourself. Really, Annie, the woman who has written these pages for, how long? Almost two years? Who has struggled so mightily to get a hold on her addiction? Who has read enough on alcoholism to get a Phd in the subject? And you are honestly telling us you think moderation is still an option for you? Who do you think you are writing to?? Do you really expect someone here is going to say, drinking on the weekend, there’s a good idea, I’m sure that will work out for you?
Of course you don’t.
Annie, I don’t think you are dishonest or helpless or pathetic or self destructive or selfish by nature. I think the addiction has trapped you in those traits, just like the head of L’Homme au Masque de Fer wasn’t really made of steel.
Please come back to your true self. Don’t drink, get honest, and find some more help to break this crippling addiction.
This is such a great message – please listen to it, Annie!
Your comments always help me, and they always make me think. As to my ‘true self’, I am not sure what that is half the time. I am so glad you’ve started a blog, and I am sure other people here are glad too. Annie x
You’ll find your true self slowly but surely when you quit drinking x
The comments above are so full of care and love and experience and everyone wishes you SO well that it makes me want to cry. Read them Annie! Listen to them – properly.
I read them, and I try to listen. See my next post! ‘Care…love and experience..’ – I am really grateful for the advice I receive her, including yours. Annie x
Dear Annie! I’ve just read your post and am sending you a virtual hug and a squeeeze (very un-English behaviour!) for being honest. Bravo you. It’s a step towards happiness. Stay in touch xx.
I used to wish I had my DH on my journey with me, but now…maybe not. This is your path, there is not room for two on it. Every time you are led off, you have to fight your way back and it gets harder and harder. You can always find someone who tells you it’s okay to drink, but you will always know that isn’t your own voice, it isn’t what the real you, the one that is trying so damn hard-wants. I hope you didn’t listen. I agree with what others have told you, you need more voices in your life that can hear the real you, especially when you can’t hear yourself, and not just the voices on this blog. You need someone you can talk to when you’re getting ready to pour that drink. Email me real time any time. karymayhickey@gmail.com
Thank you. And thanks for giving me your email. Annie x
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now….so worried every time your blog disappears….- always praying for you and hoping you find your way. This post of yours cried out to me so loud that for the first time ever I created an account so that I could respond. You have either not been completely honest with your husband or he just truly doesn’t get it which is possible . You need to tell him the whole truth…the uncomfortable truth. He clearly loves you and wants you to be whole and healthy….if he said that than he either doesn’t get it… Really get it or he is sabotaging you and from what you have written that doesn’t seem likely. I am just going to say it…. At this point, today….the way life is right now…..you can’t do this on your own. No matter how hard it is, no matter how inconvenient it is, no matter how much you don’t want to….either find an inpatient program or get to a meeting and keep getting to a meeting for as long as it takes. You will continue to be in my prayers…..you are clearly an intelligent woman with so much going for you…. Time to get real…. If you keep on doing what you’ve always done you will keep on getting what you’ve always gotten. I have been lurking on your site and many others and respect the experience and knowledge that is out there so if I am out of line I hope the other bloggers that I follow…SM, KaryMay, Ainsobriety and many more will tell me to be quiet. If not I hope this strikes a chord…..I have made so much progress this year by getting real….I hope you can do the same. Either way I will continue to pray for you and hope to be cheering you on as the year continues. Be strong….be real…..life is so good……don’t settle for anything less than the best you can be……hugs and high hopes for you…..jbm4n
Well said 🙂
I agree. Everyone has a different path. x
Jbm4n, I am glad that you created an account so that you could post a comment here. Thank you. Annie x
This stuff is hard for sure. Both when I quit smoking years ago and when I quit drinking, there were (are) people who encouraged me to return to my habits because they liked me better that way. Newly sober Jenn was no picnic…but it was a necessary place to pass through. The past Jenn that some people miss is a fantasy because drunk Jenn was a poor parent and friend…depressed, scattered and miserable.
I am none of those things now.
There’s no circumstance under which drinking is a good idea for you. None. Period. Just dont. Even though it’s hard. You can do this. You really can.
Jenn
Thank you, Jenn. Annie x
I thought I was lucky to have a husband who is completely supportive of my sobriety. And I am. Yet, if I said to him tonight – I’ve changed my mind, I am going to drink wine, he would say, ‘that’s your choice”…because it is. This has nothing to do with your husband. Or anyone else. This is not about your husband enabling you. This is about you. Why text him? Doesn’t matter if he misunderstood, or even if he didn’t – YOU made the decision, you have to OWN it. Wobbles are natural. Wobbles are normal. But they are yours. Stay Sober Annie. You can do it. xxx
I think I texted him because I WANTED him to say, ‘It’s ok, let’s drink!’ I put him in a difficult position, and I need to stop doing that. Annie x
Hey Annie! I read your post in Jamaica where I’m awake at 5am (jet lagged and overexcited). It’s lunch time on Saturday in the UK and I’m praying that you didn’t drink last night! Hopefully you’re now on DAY 6 and feeling hugely proud of yourself!
That was not your husband talking last night, it was the wine witch. She will twist anything anyone says in your head, and engineer any situation/conversation that will allow you to justify what she wants you do do – drink.
The only way to kill her off is to NOT DRINK and, eventually, that endless debate in your head (which you’ve played out on this blog for years) will go away, and you will be left with PEACE.
Awesome.
So if you did drink, don’t blame it on your husband, don’t blame it on yourself, blame it on the addiction and stop right now. It’s the only way to kill the witch….
Love SM x
I’ve been thinking of you in Jamaica, with your green tea. I hope you’re having an amazing time – you deserve it. Thanks for your help and support, which I really value. Annie x
Everyone’s words are so true and strong. Wondering how you are, Annie. Also, I had the same thought as mytimetoshine – Has your husband read your blog? It might help you (both) on so many levels.
My husband, my blog… he has always known about it, and at the start, I showed it to him, and he read it. After that – quite frankly – I think he got a bit bored!!! I think he thinks I’m looking too deeply into things, that I fixate and get obsessed about stuff. It’s tricky. Annie x