I feel disgusting today. Last night, we went to a drinks thing for parents at school. All day I thought about it, and by early evening I couldn’t wait to get there. I drank several glasses of warm wine, fast, and talked rubbish. Back at home, I poured brandy into my tea and stayed up until 1 in the morning watching terrible television.
I am in serious trouble. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. Every illusion about my control over my drinking is crushed, gone. I feel lonely, sad and disgusting.
A Dappled Path 
Take that disgust, get in the shower and then get to a meeting. This is the time to go, while the rawness and self loathing is fresh.
Oh, honey. I want to wrap you up in a warm blanket, make you some herbal tea and talk for hours. I’ve felt that disgust so many times. Please don’t keep seeing not drinking as the end of a life you want or need. See it as the beginning of something beautiful and new and fresh and lovely.
I am one-hundred percent with Ms. Jones. Wish I could take your pain away. …. That disgust and self-loathing was what finally pushed me to my breaking point. I was tired of hating myself every day, and I was hating myself because I was drinking every day. Rinse and repeat. I had to stop because it was the only way to stop the vicious perpetual motion machine I was in. …… Sending you love.*
Once the reality sinks in that you are addicted, know that your only choices are to sink further into this hell, or climb out. You could spend your whole life chasing the drink. Choose freedom. Accept that beating an addiction is very hard and takes time, support, self-care, healing….and there’s no one right way to do it…just find a way to live alcohol-free. It seems very horrible at first to give up wine…but over time I’ve become proud of my accomplishment of living alcohol free and I hope to be able to help others one day too.
Annie…I sent my last comment before it was finished! Anyway, please treat yourself with care and compassion. Sorry this is so hard.
Jenn
Annie, you need to get back to an AA meeting. It will help you. You can’t keep going on like this. Tell your husband what is really happening so that he can understand fully what you are going through. I am sure he will support you 100%. Thinking of you. A x
Please consider going to rehab. It is very clear to your readers (this reader at least) that your addiction is out of control and that you cannot do this on your own, no matter how much you might want to.
I agree. I know the idea of rehab sends you scurrying back to the drinks cupboard, but you are having a really hard time taking that next step to sobriety. At least get to a meeting, as if your life depended on it. Because it does.
Some good advice above. Sending a big hug xo
You are not disgusting. You are addicted to alcohol.
Destroying that illusion of control is so very important to stop drinking. It’s the illusion that keeps us from acceptance and from moving forward.
Re-read your post here every time the illusion starts to take hold. Wishing you strength and courage to break free. xo
I know I’ve said this before, as have others, but I REALLY think you need to consider rehab. I don’t think you can do this on your own and I think you need support. This is for you and your family. I don’t really think you have a choice at this stage.
Big hugs and virtual love. xxxx Mtts
Hi Annie. I just found you again! I didn’t realize you had started blogging again after time off. Anyway, I think I agree with everyone else you, need professional help. After trying the sober blogging world for so long it appears that this doesn’t work to keep you sober. One on one suppport may be the answer.
TinaJeanne
Annie, go and see your GP. Be honest. Don’t hide the severity of your relationship with alcohol and the depth of your desire to stop (your blog tells the story). This could and might already be really doing you some life changing damage.
Justonemore