I have been stuck in the continuous loop for so long now. Day one, day two, then back to the start. I’ve also noticed that the weeks in between, when I give up giving up, are the worst; it is then that I feel at my most hopeless. Many bloggers advise well on getting out of this loop: Mummywasasecretdrinker has a brilliant post on the ‘obstacle course’ – I’m pretty sure it’s one of the links on her blog. If I can get through these muddy fields, and get to the other side, I am sure I will find some peace.
But I still have to get through this mud somehow. Today is day 2 – and thank goodness, because I’ve been struggling to get here. I woke this morning genuinely relieved that I’d made it and keen for more of this relief. Discussing Easter Day plans with my family, and with my parents (we are all together here), my mum proposed champagne at lunch. ‘Not for Annie; she’s in recovery,’ my husband said. I’ve had a bad cold and was in bed yesterday afternoon being nursed, so partly that’s what he meant, but it was the very first time I’ve heard him say RECOVERY and it felt right.
A Dappled Path 
I’m in the same boat Annie. I got to 24 days again and then had six weeks which were awful. I could make excuses. My dad had major surgery. Work was stressful, but basically it’s just me, scared of life without my prop!
I know if I gave up socialising I could do it, but I too am on day 2 and already worrying about a minor social event on Tuesday and a major one in May!
Yet another child I work with list his parent to alcoholism this week. I hate this stuff! But it’s really got me.
Take care and let’s really do our best this time Sarah x
You don’t have to give up socializing forever, but if you think that’s what it will take to quit drinking, try it.
It takes effort and work to get through early sobriety. It’s so worth it.
Anne
Does it ever get easier Anne? I enjoy an hour or two but then want to go home. I know that’s ok but people are so used to my sociable self I feel I’ve got to give all that up. Did this side of life have to change drastically for you Anne?
I don’t like long nights socializing with drinkers anymore.
It feels like such a waste of time. And people act so poorly.
I do love to go out! Concerts have become my new thing. I love loud music. I get a real buzz and that natural high. I dance with no self consciousness. That is almost impossible for me to believe. I used to be painfully self conscious.
At some point the light went on for me that I don’t want to drink. Even if I could with no negative impact. Loving life with clear eyes is exactly what I want. It is true freedom and joy.
I know that sounds a little crazy. I never, ever thought this was how life could be. I liked to drink. I had lots of fun. I was sure I would be choosing a life of deprivation and boredom.
Give it a real change. I started with a plan for a year off. A year to find myself. To become the me I always was.
Anne
Thank you for replying Anne. Your advice is always so helpful. I know I have to give it time to really see the benefits. It’s just so tough when my whole social life is/was based around alcohol x
My whole social life was too!
Our house was called the Simpsons sports bar.
My husband was notorious. He has a jack Daniels tattoo.
And he loves our sober life too.
It’s really incomprehensible how blind drinking makes us. Physically, mentally and socially- everything is easier.
New start for me today Anne. 1st April. I’ve even changed plans for the weekend which means letting someone down, which I hate doing, but this will never end if I don’t do something.
How old were you when you finally made it?
And thanks again.
42. April fools day sounds like a perfect day to start!
I was doing ok until I started to worry about future events without alcohol. This tripped me up and put me back to day 1 TWICE this week after 65 days sober. Also, I didn’t reach out to anyone in AA, I just decided to drink. My emotional state was horrible the day after. Went right to a meeting and started my quest for sobriety again. The outpouring of support and strength was incredible! That’s the beauty of AA. Hopefully all our “mistakes” will help us to attain the happy/joyous and free life promised by AA!!
Easter and the Vernal Equinox are about resurrection, arising from the hidden dark. The miracle of hope when all seems lost. Recovery is like that, it is there and within reach, for you.
Annie…when I quit….I really had to allow myself to grieve the loss of drinking-Jenn. Even though there’s so much life to be gained, there is still a painful sense of loss when letting go of a part of yourself. Some call it surrender…that moment, or series of moments when you realize…”yes, I really do have to give this up if I want to really live”….For me, I know I have a clear choice….either I’m addicted, or I’m sober. For whatever reason I don’t seem to have a middle ground with alcohol. And I have a bunch of day 1s under my belt to prove to myself that I just don’t moderate well…this isn’t easy…but sobriety is so, so much better than being stuck.
Love and hugs,
Jenn
Currently I am stuck in this mud. I am in the loop, but instead of a couple days I manage to go four or five and then back to drinking. It is a hopeless place. And it is so hard to pull myself out of it. But I will keep on trying. Because I still believe that eventually we can reach the end of that field.
Once you get some days behind you, your life will settle down and it will become so much easier. Try some new activities where people don’t drink. You’ll meet new friends and begin to enjoy life without the bottle.
There is so much honesty here in the comments. So much support and yet so many people struggling. I like Zentinent’s comment about hope and resurrection.. I’m going to hold on that. xx
The painful time spent agonising over to drink or not to drink each evening (not to drink keeps winning) is easily outweighed by the relief I feel every sober morning and I have used that new found strength to make the evening battle that little bit more winnable. I have avoided most social situations for the last 12 weeks. Somebody in one of the other blogs said you don’t hear anybody ever saying they wished they’d had a few more drinks last night. I don’t think about the summer, chelsea flower show, parties, sunny weekends or holidays. They are all just avenues that will weaken my resolve at this stage.
Justonemore
I can relate to this. I keep on giving up, giving up. It all gets too hard I need a break. Then during the break I’m more miserable, so I give up again and so the cycle continues. I want to get to the other side too, just not sure how to get there. Every time I regret what I have done. I could have been at over 2 years by now…well and truly on the other side.